A festive apology

The Defendant would like to apologise for the interruption to your favourite satirical news service over the Christmas and New Year period. Politics stops during the festive season anyway, except in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan where they don't have Christmas because they are a bunch of savages. The delivery of bombs continues of course but Santa refuses to take them on his sleigh, preferring to remain neutral. Santa refutes all accusations that he is a coward, claiming instead to be Swiss.

Cameron denies it will always be winter but never Christmas

A cold wind blows from the Palace of Westminster

In the wake of widespread disruption to the country caused by a combination of snow and angry demonstrators, David Cameron, Prime Minister and very rich man, has been forced to deny that he has done a deal with The Witch of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe fame to introduce a permanent freeze, and to cut Christmas this year and for the forseeable future.

"These are lies put out by Labour, and the Trotskyists, and the anarchists, and the public sector workers, and the low-income workers, and the unemployed, and the sick people, and the disabled people - basically, everyone who hates us because of what we stand for," explained Cameron to assembled journalists. "They can't stand it that we are winning and they want an excuse to riot, so they put out all this nonsense about me cutting Christmas and being on the side of darkness and winter and death. It's nonsense. I'm a very compassionate man. I've helped old ladies across roads. I have to listen to them moan about how I'm taking their pensions away, but I do it anyway, because that's the kind of guy I am."

But many people have drawn the connection between the unusually harsh, snowy start of winter and the policies of the coalition government. "It's just too much of a coincidence," said John Terence of Nottingham. "A bunch of cunts get into power, suddenly there's snow everywhere. I'm worried, and I think he might have cut Christmas. He'd cut anything, that bastard, and it won't affect him, because you can bet he'll just go off on holiday to somewhere that still has Christmas. Well it's all very well for him, but I can't afford to go away and I need an excuse to drink the good whisky."

Hannah Ringley, a nine-year-old from Newport, uses more moderate language but is equally concerned. "I don't think Christmas will ever come," she said, a glum expression on her face. "It's so cold outside that I just sit inside and watch television. But all I see is that David Cameron man. He's always smiling but it looks fake and I think he might be lying. I think he might have killed Christmas without telling anyone. I bet he's killed Santa too."

Meanwhile media commentators have been debating whether, if David Cameron has indeed done a deal with the Witch to prevent the arrival of Christmas, he may in fact have good reasons for doing so. "There could be sound economic reasons for introducing the permanent freeze but preventing the approach of Christams," said Quentin Potts, a person with a column. "If for instance he is trying to drive down the deficit by ensuring everyone has to spend lots on fuel and also keeps buying presents for a Christmas that never comes, he could be doing just the right thing."

Penelope Tunney, another person who gets to talk in the national media agreed. "It might on the face of it look bad if he has done a deal with the evil Witch, but I'm sure he would be acting in the national interest, and he has the backing of the British people because they voted for him. Some of them. And he's always struck me as a very reasonable person whenever we've had dinner together. Yes, if he's done a deal with the Witch then he's got a democratic mandate to do that and I'm sure he'll be proved right in the end. We're all in this together, remember? I'm sure he has good reasons. Just turn the heating up to full. If you can afford it."

But Paul Simpson, a seven-year-old from Berkshire, is taking a different line. "If David Cameron is thinking about cutting Christmas," he said as he strapped his silver plastic sword to his waist, "Then that means he's a bad guy and I'm going to fight him. And if the evil Witch is in parlyment then we have to fight parlyment too or she will stay there forever and we will all be cold forever. I don't want winter to last forever. I want summer back again."

Government devolves national food security responsibility to gardening grannies, cuts pensions, also tools fund for disabled gardeners: 'The market will do the rest', says Osborne

More news soon on the government's magic formula for solving every problem.

What to think about...violent protests

I'm not saying do it, but look at the pleasure on that man's face 

 WHAT TO THINK ABOUT VIOLENT PROTESTS 

• Violent protests are criminal protests and therefore bad
• They are usually caused by anarchist agitators or hoodie gangsters, who aren't human anyway and so shouldn't be at the protest at all
• They undermine the credibility of the protest in the media, though they are also the only thing that gets protest into the meda
• They frighten people, particularly  members of the royal family or people who haven't actually been threatened but who otherwise wouldn't have anything to say to journalists
• Violence against bus stops or buildings is as grave a moral error as violence against grannies and therefore the protest is violent even if no one has been hurt 
• Hurting the police for doing their jobs is like hurting a paid informer in stalinist Russia for...wait, no, this logic has gone wrong...
• Anyway, we are definitely agreed that the police really should put a stop to this violence on the streets and should do so by...being violent on the streets

And what not to think (thoughts such as might occur in a crazed delirium, whilst not in control of one's faculties, or whilst feeling faint with hunger in a police kettle):

• Mass detention as collective punishment for protest - with less rights than you would have in a prison cell - is a violent act using the resources of the state against people who disagree with it 
• An increase in police violence on the streets generally leads to an increase in violence on the streets 
• Violent protests happen when people have had enough of being abused by people in power. It has always been so - in the face of this fact your judgement or mine look like a child screaming at the sun for shining too brightly
• Politics is about who has control. If a protest is controlled by the authorities it is merely symbolic, bothers no one, and has as much impact as a fun run 
• A bus stop or building feels no pain  
• If we for a moment suspend judgement on  the 'thugs' and 'hooligans' and 'leftist extremists' we might notice that people could have perfectly sane, rational reasons to want to fight their way through police to reach parliament or to batter down the doors of government buildings

Police take moral high ground by force, many flock to join them

Police impress their morality upon protesters

The police are reported to be in complete control of the moral high ground today after yesterday beating the shit out of anyone on the streets attempting to claim it for themselves. Politicians are reported to be flocking to the police-protected area of high ground, eager to point out that the protesters who were angry at the politicians have no moral high ground left.

The police attainment of the moral high ground was hard-fought, involving the detention of several thousand people without charge for some hours, and indiscriminate beatings of anyone who got in their way. Commentators have praised the police efforts but some have suggested that not enough blood was shed, and that policing should be firmer in the future in order to give the moral high ground greater security.

An anonymous protester, asked to comment on the police attainment of the moral high ground at first refused to comment, but when pressed said, "If you think about it, the police were protecting the politicians from their angry citizenry, and the police moral high ground - if we ignore breaches of fundamental rights and so on, which we seem to be - the police position, as I say, is is only actually a moral high ground if those they are defending are on the moral high ground themselves."

Met Police 'infiltrated' by violent minority of hardcore thugs who hate protesters

We'll be bringing you the latest news from within the ranks of the police as the 'hardcore right wingers' among their number 'gear up' to hijack legitimate police action in order to suppress protests by people they consider to be layabout scum.

What to think about...The Liberal Democrats

Here is another in my triumphant series of educational posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and because I have also switched my brain off I can't help but agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS 

• The Liberal Democrats lied at election time, thus further undermining (aim ever higher!) confidence in politicians
• We know that all politicians lie but this time they have been called on it, which is a surprise to everyone, especially the mainstream media who have got used to not doing it themselves
• The Lib Dems positioned themselves as the most 'social' party at the last election and should not now betray those who voted for them, nor show such indecision if they want to be 'credible'
• They make unnatural bedfellows with the Conservatives and should not have gone into coalition with them if they can't wring any more concessions from them than a hostage could get from their armed kidnappers
• Nick Clegg is a two-faced lying careerist scumbag to rival the best that Westminster School and Cambridge have produced

And now, what not to think - thoughts such as might be entertained by 'problematic' or mentally imbalanced types who will probably end up wandering the streets begging for 5p 'for a coffee':

• The Liberal Democrats are an economically right-wing party who, along with the Conservatives and New Labour, believe that the rich should be left alone to do what they do best - make money for themselves
• The Browne Education Review, the plan - by a millionaire Labourite businessman who oversaw the greatest oil disasters of our time - to not only increase fees but to thoroughly 'marketise' education was commissioned by Labour and picked up by both the Conservatives and the Lib Dems
• The Lib Dem's 'love me please' social posturing has always been contradicted by their economic ideals - if you look at their record in local government it is clear how they always resolve the 'contradiction' 
• Nick Clegg heads a party of two-faced lying careerist scumbags (Note: subjective idea not to be trusted) who like every major party in the country want to dismantle the welfare state and reduce government spending (not so subjective - careful now!) on people - though interestingly not on private companies - and are therefore getting most of what they really want from the coalition
• Our 'democratic' political system forces politicians to lie - the crime is to get caught. The real danger here would be allowing yourself to think that a parliamentary system in which everyone lies might be presenting itself to us dishonestly, might not even exist for your benefit at all (see first point in this list for clues on the most grievous error to avoid here) 
• The Lib Dems don't need their minds changing on tuition fees, they need their minds changing with surgery, perhaps swapping them with Doberman brains, which are much more trustworthy

Word 'fairness' found buried near A10 layby

The body was found here

The word 'fairness' was today discovered by police buried in a shallow grave off the busy A10 between London and Cambridge. A police spokesman announced the discovery in a sombre news conference, explaining to gathered journalists that it was 'one of the most inhumane and callous crimes' he had ever investigated.

Examination of the body reveals that the death of the word was neither slow nor painless. "We think this word was kidnapped some time ago," said the police spokesman, "By persons unknown - and it was more than one person we are sure. It was then held in captivity for months. There are signs of extreme ill-treatment and torture during that time. Forensic examinations show that the word was repeatedly raped by multiple people. We think it may also have been subjected to being dragged along on a rope behind a fast-moving vehicle, which may have been what killed it. It was finally dumped in this layby when its captors were tired of their sport."

The senior police officer wept as he spoke, and many of the assembled journalists could barely contain their horror at the treatment meted out to the word 'fairness'. Many of them afterwards spoke of the difficulty they would have in covering the story 'objectively'. One journalist who saw the body has taken himself off the story. "The body of 'fairness' is battered and malnourished and its face is...horror," he wrote in an email to his editor. "Such was the degradation it was exposed to that death probably came as sweet relief." He went on to say he could not cover the story "because if I even suspect who did this I will want them hung by the neck until dead, tomorrow, without trial."

The police have launched a massive investigation in an attempt to find the killers, but they are working with few clues and say that people have been reluctant to come forward. "People are scared," said the police spokesman. "They're thinking: if they would do that to an innocent word then god knows what they would do to someone who tried to bring them to book. But I urge you to come forward and not live in fear."

Meanwhile the only lead the police have to go on is 'an address in Westminster'. But they say that lead gives them little hope. "Whoever these people are, they are very clever, cold and calculating, and they are good at covering their tracks." said the spokesman. "We don't have much hope of catching them but we have to try, for the sake of 'fairness' and of justice."