triflingoffence

All parties unite to blame poor state of economy on elves

2011-06-22T17:52:00.006Z

A typically large family of strutting parasites

This has been a week of unprecedented unity and understanding in British politics, according to Westminster watchers - some are even call it a beacon of hope for the future. The cause of this burst of optimism is the observation that amongst all their many differences, amidst all the usual squabbling and tit-for-tat blaming, all three major parties have at last found something they can all agree on: the dire state of the British economy is the fault of the elves.

A notoriously criminal and parasitic class of faerie folk, elves have been known to steal milk from doorsteps, turn it sour out of sheer spite, and even suck milk from the mouths of children of hard-working people. "I think we've all had just about enough of these little hooded imps stealing our milk," said Boris Johnson, interviewed dining at a restaurant. "They get everywhere and they breed like rabbits. The very thought of all those little elves shagging away like there's no tomorrow makes me sick. I think about it a lot I can tell you."

Some commentators suggest that the elves are too small to cause as much trouble as is attributed to them, but Ed Milliband, Labour Party Whipping Boy, said their size can be deceptive. "These sneaky, selfish elves are a drain on the hard-pressed hard-working taxpayer," he said. "In not working their alloted eight-hour day they also undermine our ability to be internationally competitive by offering enormous salaries to people who don't pay tax here."

In a surprising turn of events it seems that David Cameron agrees with him. "The problem with tolerating this endemic elf laziness is that it just isn't fair to the rest of us," he said. "If the elves don't pay taxes they shouldn't be hanging around on our doorsteps at all, let along drinking and smoking constantly with their ill-gotten gains." He declined to be drawn in who he meant by 'us' and 'our' but said that he had tasked a taskforce with the task of ridding the country of the elf menace.

According to Nick Clegg, credit for this display of unity belongs to himself and the Liberal Democrats. "Firstly I'd like to say that I would have loved to have been nicer to the elves," he said. "But the hard truth is that we have to deal with the milk deficit, and that means hard choices. It is our party that has pushed the Conservative Party towards the same position as the other parties, which is also the same position as the Daily Mail, which as the true voice of the people holds the only position possible. This is what coalition politics is all about."

The elves have not issued a statement in their own defence. Opinions are divided over whether this is due to their habitual laziness or to the fact that they do not have a press office. "In a way its their fault they get blamed for everything," said press expert, Marty Twite. "In this day and age everyone has to be more media-savvy. Why don't they have a press office? That's the question we need to be asking."

But whatever the elves think of all this - and no-one has asked them - it has been a heartening and positive week for politics-watchers in Britain. It seems that at last the parties are putting the old confrontational approach behind them, getting round the table and agreeing on a very important issue: that the economic woes of Britain are not their fault. As for those who like to say politicians live in a fantasy land, for once their cynical voices have been drowned out by a display of true unity.

The last word is Boris Johnson's, from that restaurant interview once again: "Look here," he said, staring at the statue of himself carved out of frozen milk on the table in front of him, "It is astonishing that we put up with this nonsense. It is unconscionable that in this country we allow the existence of such a feckless parasitic class, who take so much from us and give so little. Only an idiot would deny we need to do something about it."

Man takes pity on Eric Pickles, gets pocket picked for trouble

2011-04-14T06:25:00.003Z

Pitying him didn't pay

A man has made a complaint to police after an incident today in which he met Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for CLaG, and left the encounter with several items missing from his pockets.

"The problem was that I felt sorry for him," said David Spittals, a warm-hearted man from Chipping Ongar. "I thought people are always taking the piss out of him for being a 'fat kid' bully and generally being enormous and so on, and actually he must be really unhealthy. I mean he can't want to be that shape. So he has a problem with weight control, and I thought, he's human too, even if he is a politician."

But upon hugging Eric Pickles Mr Spittals noticed a tugging at his pockets. "I didn't think anything of it at the time," he says, "But I checked my pockets afterwards and my mobile phone and a biro had gone missing. And a piece of string. Imagine! When I had just tried to be nice to him. You take pity on someone and that's what you get for your trouble!"

Police say they are investigating the incident as part of a series of 'related incidents'. They refused to be drawn on whether they were all related to Eric Pickles or whether other members of the coalition government have also been involved.

Talk to Frank No More

2011-04-05T06:09:00.002Z

Today Frank, the well-known drugs advisor to young people, was found dead at his home in Bishops Stortford. Reports say he was curled up on the floor clutching at his telephone receiver with one hand and a bottle of valium pills with the other. The likely cause of death is drug overdose. His age is unknown but from his advice it has always been assumed he is middle-aged.

Grieving family members have spoken to journalists expressing their shock that 'their' Frank could do something so stupid as take drugs. "It's unbelievable really," said one family member who did not wish to be named. "I mean, he was a drugs advisor. How could he do such a thing? After all the sound advice he's given to children and teenagers over the years. It's like finding out Jesus smoked crack or something."

Police are attempting to reconstruct Frank's final hours, asking members of the public to come forward if they can help explain why Frank went off the rails so badly. People who knew him have already been speaking to the press. "The problem with Frank," said one friend, "Was that he was always a bit curious. Nothing worse than curiosity is there?"

There is no evidence that Frank has been a regular drug user. Rather the police suspect a sudden binge as a result of an internal battle that has been going on for some time. "It seems that Frank was a conflicted man," said one police officer off the record. "He had been struggling with the contrast between his own advice, which portrays drugs mostly in terms of their side-effects, and the fact that many of the people he knew had done them, and most of those had had a bloody good time."

More evidence for this theory has been offered in the form of a cryptic text to a friend in his final hours. The text read simply: 'F**k it got to be worth a try'. The friend had no idea what the text was about and is now very distressed he didn't respond. "I was busy getting wasted at the time," he admits, "But if I'd known the text was about drugs I would have replied – you know, just to say 'Don't try them all at once' or something like that.

But it seems that 'try them all at once' is exactly what Frank did when he finally gave in to temptation. In his last hours Frank is said to have taken ecstasy, cocaine, smack, crack, valium, ketamine, a bottle of Jack Daniels, mephedrone, speed, 2cb, 2ci, 3-meo-dmt and several joints of lethal 'skunk' cannabis. His last call, ironically, was to his very own Talk to Frank hotline. The organisation, grieving the loss of its inspirational head, has put out the following statement:

We received a call at 4.21am yesterday morning from an unknown caller. His speech was slurred and his sentences unclear. He appeared to be asking the advisor what drugs he should take next. We informed him that we could not provide him with that advice. Unfortunately, since our operaters are unfamiliar with real life drug use they did not know what to do next. The line then went dead. It now appears that this call was from Frank.

Frank's personal assistant spoke to journalists about his reaction to his boss's death. "However sad I feel about his death, it does mean I will be working even harder from now on. It proves that our campaign to stop people taking drugs all these years is right. Frank took drugs. Now Frank is dead. That's what drugs do."

Frank's funeral will be attended by the many politicians who have supported him over the years.

Also posted on YourBrainOnDrugs

Cameron campaigns to end 'state monopoly' in provision of wads of cash to politicians

2011-02-21T18:24:00.001Z

More soon from the heart of Toryland, the land where everything is very, very simple: if it makes Cameron and his friends richer, it is good.

David Cameron enters new series of X-factor with rendition of 'My Way'

2011-02-12T16:20:00.000Z

Lyrics to David Cameron's 'My Way'

UK crime map undermining confidence

2011-02-01T22:46:00.004Z

An artists impression of the Westminster crime map

As a map of UK crime statistics was today released to the public, the map has been hit by controversy over the areas of Westminster and the City of London, causing consternation among those who had hitherto trusted the police, politicians and statistics.

One user of the map Hamish Talbot from Birmingham, recounts his experience: "I looked at the Westminster map first," he says. "But instead of seeing crime statistics, I just saw this great black splotch. I tried refreshing, but it was still black, just black, like a pit. Then I realised, it wasn't that the data was missing. There were so many crimes in the area they just blotted everything out. All the colours merged into this sort of darkness. I stared at it and stared at it, hoping something else would appear, but nothing. It was just black - black, black, black."

Users had a similar experience with the City of London. "I thought it was just an ink splotch on the googlemap," said William Fortescue. "I was just about to email google to tell them they had blotted out the crime statistics when I realised I was looking at the crime statistics. It was horrible. I felt like I was teetering on the brink of some dark chasm."

The controversy deepened when the police claimed they had not entered the crime statistics for Westminster and the City. "There were a few vehicle crimes, a few drunk and disorderlies," said the police spokesman. "That aside there are no crimes happening in those places, as you would expect. They are full of respected politicians on the one hand, and respected bankers on the other. We can't think of any reason why any of them should be arrested."

"I don't trust the statistics," said Eleanor Gibbon from Basingstoke. "Up to now I'd always believed everything statistics told me, even the ones that contradicted each other. But I can't believe our politicians are actually criminals. I mean, I know they lie all the time. And steal. And start wars. But serious crime? Come on now, they wouldn't be the top politicians in the country if they were criminals would they?

But the crime statistics have not gone away. Speculation mounts that they may have been entered on the map by a guilt-ridden civil servant. "Some people are feeling bad about some of the stuff we're doing at the moment," admitted one insider. When pressed to be more specific the source said, "Look, take a look at the modernisation of the NHS for example. Well it's not 'modernisation' is it? It's dismantling the NHS, but we knew people would go apeshit if we called it that so we came up with 'modernisation'. It sounded so...modern. Then we cherry-picked some cancer statistics to show how crap the NHS is, even though in general it provides comparable health outcomes to other countries for a lower cost."

But some say more is going on. Even spinning the dismantling of the NHS would hardly blacken the entirety of Westminster. Another source was more forthcoming. "Look, take the dismantling of the NHS," he said. "It will still be branded as the NHS, but organisations not in the NHS will procure health services from private companies not in the NHS, using taxpayers money. It is a massive subsidy from the taxpayer to private health companies - who have been lobbying government to get this. And by lobbying we mean paying. Some might call it corruption. Not me, I hasten to add, but some people less cautious than me might use that word.

"Or let's look at what's going to happen to the bureaucracy of the NHS. Clearly the bureaucracy will remain, possibly be even worse, but it will be outsourced. So, taxpayers money going to private companies, who may or may not be friends with government ministers. It's not corruption exactly, it just looks very like corruption, in the same way that the O2 still looks like the Dome even though it isn't the Dome any more."

Police have been alerted to the possibility of a massive crimewave in the Westminster area. They have announced that they are looking for a rogue civil servant who may be leaking data.

Kids refuse to grow up, believe David Cameron

2011-01-17T18:43:00.001Z

Look, I know what I'm doing - I'm bigger and better than you

Today a classroom of 9-year-old children addressed by David Cameron on the topic of his NHS reforms pointed out that no, they weren't going to grow up, not for a few years, not even because the Prime Minister wanted them to. Then one child put up his hand and said, "But we still know enough not to believe you sir."

Mr Cameron accused the child of 'playground politics', then went on to explain to the class that the removal of the NHS structure in favour of a pseudomarket mechanism was 'modernisation' and asked 'if not now, when?'

At that point another child put up his hand and said, "When you say 'modernisation' you seem to mean 'fucking it up', so how does 'never' sound to you dickwad?"

Before leaving the school Mr Cameron arranged for both children to have detentions, then took ten minutes out of his busy schedule of media appearances to sell their school to a consortium of businesses interested in 'tailoring education towards the call centre sector'.

Former anti-poverty campaigner repents of 'Politics of Envy'

2011-01-11T21:03:00.001Z

It's what you've always wanted, even though you've never dreamt of it

Three months ago Janine Stonleigh was a committed political campaigner, having spent most of her adult life fighting for better services and greater support for poorer members of society. Today she hangs her head in shame at the role she was playing in the world. "I was deluding myself," she explains. "I thought that I was promoting a world in which resources are shared so that we all have a good quality of life. Now I realise that was just an unwitting pawn of the Politics of Envy."

Three months ago Janine Stoneleigh gave up campaiging for good. "I gave up the 'save our library campaign'," she says proudly, "I gave up the 'Keep granny warm' campaign to raise the winter fuel allowance. I gave up the 'Cook a meal for a single-parent-family' scheme I was participating in and promoting to give poorer kids a good start in life. I gave up the 'Free electric wheelchairs to free the disabled' campaign. I gave it all up."

Janine finally saw the error of her ways when asked to take on one campaign too many. "Up until this point I was convinced I was just trying to help people," she explains. "I was sure that everyone would win from a more equal society. I even had the statistics to back it up. But what brought the whole house of cards down was someone asking me to help campaign for a 2% rise on the top two tax bands and an increase in capital gains tax above £500,000."

She suddenly saw all her 'anti-poverty' campaigns for what they were - a demand for handouts from the rich. "And I saw that it was just because we were all jealous. We wanted to be just like them. Oh I'd never actually thought it before, and no one I know from the old campaigns admits to it, but it's obvious isn't it? It's the Politics of Envy."

But it was worse than just wanting what the rich had. "I realised that if I carried on the way I was, we'd all end up bringing everyone down to the lowest level. Can you imagine it? We'd have city bankers living in council estates in Charlton. Yes, that's what would happen if we increased taxes on them. It's just not right. I can't believe I ever wanted that."

Within days of her Damascene conversion Janine had given up all her groups - all except the 'Save our local park' campaign that is. "It won't cost anything," she says. "It's already there. So that's fine. It's just anything that costs anything I can't get involved in. It's outrageous really, thinking that the we can 'set right' what the free market has decreed - just an excuse to try and get what we don't deserve. Yes, we all want our own castle but most of us don't want to work for it."

Without her campaigning Janine now has time to focus more on her job. "I'm actually working my way up the career ladder," she said. "My salary is already 10% higher than it was. It's not that I need more, but now I'm ambitious. I look at all those people above me earning more than me and I think 'I want that too'.

It seems that giving up the Politics of Envy has its benefits.

CEO 'totally deserves' 50% pay rise, says wife

2011-01-06T19:15:00.004Z

The desk, sometime altar

Philip Black, CEO of a top retail consortium, has earned a 50% pay rise this year, following ten years of similar annual pay rises, bringing his salary to £715,000, or £6.5 million including bonuses.

Other CEOs have praised his accomplishment, saying that Mr Black is one of the 'hardest working CEOs around', and his wife has said that he 'totally deserves it - he works like a navvy, poor thing'.

Philip Black first hit the 50% annual increase mark in 2000, as a reward for increasing the value of his company's shares by outsourcing half of the company's operations to India, where the salaries are a tenth of what they are in Europe.

The following year he received a 47% increase in his salary. While the increase in the value of shares was somewhat smaller than the previous year, the pay award came in recognition of his dedication to the job, as demonstrated by his availability to directors and clients at all hours of the day and night. "A middle manager is available only twelve hours a day," explained the renumeration committee, "So it is only fair that Mr Black, who is available 24 hours, be paid twenty times what they are paid."

In 2002 the company experienced a drop in share value but this was attributed to poor market conditions and Philip Black received a 49% pay rise as reward for moving his bed into his office so that he need not go home every night. This demonstrated a commitment unmatched except in the IT department, where top techies also habitually sleep in the office in order to increase their productivity and earn their £40,000 a year.

In 2003 Philip Black did 50% more work than in any previous year and forty times as much work as a low level manager in the company, or thirty times as many hours as one of his security guards. He was rewarded accordingly.

2004 was a dark year for Philip Black. His pay rise was only 31%, a mere 27 points above inflation. "Christmas that year was hard," he says, remembering the bad times. "I could barely look my wife in the eyes." But his wife stood by him. "Actually it was sweet," she said. "He was moping round the house like a lost puppy."

But 2005 turned things around for Mr Black, with a 54% pay rise. "There was no particular reason for that one," admitted a member of the renumeration committee. "Except that other CEOs were getting that too. In fact just to be safe we put it at 5% above what other CEOs were getting. I heard a lot of other companies were doing the same."

In 2006 Philip Black did not increase his personal productivity but the share price rose dramatically due to favourable market conditions. He received a 51% pay rise in recognition.

2007 was the year Philip Black became seriously dedicated to the job. "I remember thinking I'd better start justifying these pay rises," said Mr Black. "And since I was already working 18 hours a day and effectively on call for the rest of it, I began investigating the possibility of a time machine to make more hours in the day." But the time machine didn't work and Mr Black resorted to fitting a colostomy bag to himself so that he no longer needed to take toilet breaks. Everyone agreed that his 54% pay increase that year was richly deserved.

In 2008 Mr Black recognised that, while he had sacrificed his family life for his job, this was also true of many of his employees on £30,000 a year, many of whom he had asked to take a pay cut that year to help the company through the recession. It seemed he had to go further - fifty times further with bonuses taken into account - in order to justify his salary. Being unable to go any further by normal means, he hit on the idea of sacrificing not just his family life but his family. He killed his children on a makeshift altar in his office, burnt them and threw their charred corpses from a helicopter into the sea. "I still only got 49% that year though," he muses. "Funny how things work out isn't it?"

In 2009 Mr Black persuaded the company to provide a Lear jet for his private use. This shaved hours off his travelling time and earned him a 47% pay rise, taking his salary to 80 times that of an average employee in his company. "No one else showed such dedication in getting their travelling time down," said a friend. "The pay rise was inevitable really. It helped that they were worried he'd leave for another company of course. Because almost certainly no worthy replacement could have been found for a mere £530,000 a year plus a cap of £4 million on bonuses."

The 2010 pay rise of 51% is more of a puzzle, even to his wife. "It's true that last year he was doing 80 times as much as his average employee last year and 130 times as much as a toilet cleaner," she said, "but with the unemployment rate rising they all started working harder in fear of losing their jobs, so they kept pace with the him this year - for once." The surprise 51% pay rise was gratefully received by Mr Black. He awarded a 3% pay rise to most of his employees, 1% below inflation, and gave a rousing speech at the company annual conference exhorting his workers to 'give that little bit extra' to get the company through to the end of the recession.

Mr Black's pay rise for 2011 is as yet undecided. The renumeration committee is said to be considering a rise of around 50%, on the basis that 'he will almost definitely deserve it'.

For more on CEOs, see yesterday's link: aboutlordbrowne.com

A site all about that interesting fellow Lord Browne

2011-01-05T17:43:00.001Z

triflingoffence does not usually promote other websites but for this one an exception can be made - it is a site all about Lord Browne, who wrote the Browne Review of education and is a government efficiency advisor. He's a lovely chap and the politicians just can't get enough of him. Which is odd, considering his history...

http://aboutlordbrowne.com/

A festive apology

2010-12-27T14:56:00.004Z

The Defendant would like to apologise for the interruption to your favourite satirical news service over the Christmas and New Year period. Politics stops during the festive season anyway, except in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan where they don't have Christmas because they are a bunch of savages. The delivery of bombs continues of course but Santa refuses to take them on his sleigh, preferring to remain neutral. Santa refutes all accusations that he is a coward, claiming instead to be Swiss.

Cameron denies it will always be winter but never Christmas

2010-12-18T21:12:00.002Z

A cold wind blows from the Palace of Westminster

In the wake of widespread disruption to the country caused by a combination of snow and angry demonstrators, David Cameron, Prime Minister and very rich man, has been forced to deny that he has done a deal with The Witch of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe fame to introduce a permanent freeze, and to cut Christmas this year and for the forseeable future.

"These are lies put out by Labour, and the Trotskyists, and the anarchists, and the public sector workers, and the low-income workers, and the unemployed, and the sick people, and the disabled people - basically, everyone who hates us because of what we stand for," explained Cameron to assembled journalists. "They can't stand it that we are winning and they want an excuse to riot, so they put out all this nonsense about me cutting Christmas and being on the side of darkness and winter and death. It's nonsense. I'm a very compassionate man. I've helped old ladies across roads. I have to listen to them moan about how I'm taking their pensions away, but I do it anyway, because that's the kind of guy I am."

But many people have drawn the connection between the unusually harsh, snowy start of winter and the policies of the coalition government. "It's just too much of a coincidence," said John Terence of Nottingham. "A bunch of cunts get into power, suddenly there's snow everywhere. I'm worried, and I think he might have cut Christmas. He'd cut anything, that bastard, and it won't affect him, because you can bet he'll just go off on holiday to somewhere that still has Christmas. Well it's all very well for him, but I can't afford to go away and I need an excuse to drink the good whisky."

Hannah Ringley, a nine-year-old from Newport, uses more moderate language but is equally concerned. "I don't think Christmas will ever come," she said, a glum expression on her face. "It's so cold outside that I just sit inside and watch television. But all I see is that David Cameron man. He's always smiling but it looks fake and I think he might be lying. I think he might have killed Christmas without telling anyone. I bet he's killed Santa too."

Meanwhile media commentators have been debating whether, if David Cameron has indeed done a deal with the Witch to prevent the arrival of Christmas, he may in fact have good reasons for doing so. "There could be sound economic reasons for introducing the permanent freeze but preventing the approach of Christams," said Quentin Potts, a person with a column. "If for instance he is trying to drive down the deficit by ensuring everyone has to spend lots on fuel and also keeps buying presents for a Christmas that never comes, he could be doing just the right thing."

Penelope Tunney, another person who gets to talk in the national media agreed. "It might on the face of it look bad if he has done a deal with the evil Witch, but I'm sure he would be acting in the national interest, and he has the backing of the British people because they voted for him. Some of them. And he's always struck me as a very reasonable person whenever we've had dinner together. Yes, if he's done a deal with the Witch then he's got a democratic mandate to do that and I'm sure he'll be proved right in the end. We're all in this together, remember? I'm sure he has good reasons. Just turn the heating up to full. If you can afford it."

But Paul Simpson, a seven-year-old from Berkshire, is taking a different line. "If David Cameron is thinking about cutting Christmas," he said as he strapped his silver plastic sword to his waist, "Then that means he's a bad guy and I'm going to fight him. And if the evil Witch is in parlyment then we have to fight parlyment too or she will stay there forever and we will all be cold forever. I don't want winter to last forever. I want summer back again."

Government devolves national food security responsibility to gardening grannies, cuts pensions, also tools fund for disabled gardeners: 'The market will do the rest', says Osborne

2010-12-16T23:35:00.003Z

More news soon on the government's magic formula for solving every problem.

What to think about...violent protests

2010-12-14T17:29:00.002Z

I'm not saying do it, but look at the pleasure on that man's face

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT VIOLENT PROTESTS

Violent protests are criminal protests and therefore bad
They are usually caused by anarchist agitators or hoodie gangsters, who aren't human anyway and so shouldn't be at the protest at all
They undermine the credibility of the protest in the media, though they are also the only thing that gets protest into the meda
They frighten people, particularly members of the royal family or people who haven't actually been threatened but who otherwise wouldn't have anything to say to journalists
Violence against bus stops or buildings is as grave a moral error as violence against grannies and therefore the protest is violent even if no one has been hurt
Hurting the police for doing their jobs is like hurting a paid informer in stalinist Russia for...wait, no, this logic has gone wrong...
Anyway, we are definitely agreed that the police really should put a stop to this violence on the streets and should do so by...being violent on the streets

And what not to think (thoughts such as might occur in a crazed delirium, whilst not in control of one's faculties, or whilst feeling faint with hunger in a police kettle):

Mass detention as collective punishment for protest - with less rights than you would have in a prison cell - is a violent act using the resources of the state against people who disagree with it
An increase in police violence on the streets generally leads to an increase in violence on the streets
Violent protests happen when people have had enough of being abused by people in power. It has always been so - in the face of this fact your judgement or mine look like a child screaming at the sun for shining too brightly
Politics is about who has control. If a protest is controlled by the authorities it is merely symbolic, bothers no one, and has as much impact as a fun run
A bus stop or building feels no pain
If we for a moment suspend judgement on the 'thugs' and 'hooligans' and 'leftist extremists' we might notice that people could have perfectly sane, rational reasons to want to fight their way through police to reach parliament or to batter down the doors of government buildings

Police take moral high ground by force, many flock to join them

2010-12-10T18:45:00.004Z

Police impress their morality upon protesters

The police are reported to be in complete control of the moral high ground today after yesterday beating the shit out of anyone on the streets attempting to claim it for themselves. Politicians are reported to be flocking to the police-protected area of high ground, eager to point out that the protesters who were angry at the politicians have no moral high ground left.

The police attainment of the moral high ground was hard-fought, involving the detention of several thousand people without charge for some hours, and indiscriminate beatings of anyone who got in their way. Commentators have praised the police efforts but some have suggested that not enough blood was shed, and that policing should be firmer in the future in order to give the moral high ground greater security.

An anonymous protester, asked to comment on the police attainment of the moral high ground at first refused to comment, but when pressed said, "If you think about it, the police were protecting the politicians from their angry citizenry, and the police moral high ground - if we ignore breaches of fundamental rights and so on, which we seem to be - the police position, as I say, is is only actually a moral high ground if those they are defending are on the moral high ground themselves."

Met Police 'infiltrated' by violent minority of hardcore thugs who hate protesters

2010-12-08T18:08:00.003Z

We'll be bringing you the latest news from within the ranks of the police as the 'hardcore right wingers' among their number 'gear up' to hijack legitimate police action in order to suppress protests by people they consider to be layabout scum.

What to think about...The Liberal Democrats

2010-12-06T18:14:00.006Z

Here is another in my triumphant series of educational posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and because I have also switched my brain off I can't help but agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS

The Liberal Democrats lied at election time, thus further undermining (aim ever higher!) confidence in politicians
We know that all politicians lie but this time they have been called on it, which is a surprise to everyone, especially the mainstream media who have got used to not doing it themselves
The Lib Dems positioned themselves as the most 'social' party at the last election and should not now betray those who voted for them, nor show such indecision if they want to be 'credible'
They make unnatural bedfellows with the Conservatives and should not have gone into coalition with them if they can't wring any more concessions from them than a hostage could get from their armed kidnappers
Nick Clegg is a two-faced lying careerist scumbag to rival the best that Westminster School and Cambridge have produced

And now, what not to think - thoughts such as might be entertained by 'problematic' or mentally imbalanced types who will probably end up wandering the streets begging for 5p 'for a coffee':

The Liberal Democrats are an economically right-wing party who, along with the Conservatives and New Labour, believe that the rich should be left alone to do what they do best - make money for themselves
The Browne Education Review, the plan - by a millionaire Labourite businessman who oversaw the greatest oil disasters of our time - to not only increase fees but to thoroughly 'marketise' education was commissioned by Labour and picked up by both the Conservatives and the Lib Dems
The Lib Dem's 'love me please' social posturing has always been contradicted by their economic ideals - if you look at their record in local government it is clear how they always resolve the 'contradiction'
Nick Clegg heads a party of two-faced lying careerist scumbags (Note: subjective idea not to be trusted) who like every major party in the country want to dismantle the welfare state and reduce government spending (not so subjective - careful now!) on people - though interestingly not on private companies - and are therefore getting most of what they really want from the coalition
Our 'democratic' political system forces politicians to lie - the crime is to get caught. The real danger here would be allowing yourself to think that a parliamentary system in which everyone lies might be presenting itself to us dishonestly, might not even exist for your benefit at all (see first point in this list for clues on the most grievous error to avoid here)
The Lib Dems don't need their minds changing on tuition fees, they need their minds changing with surgery, perhaps swapping them with Doberman brains, which are much more trustworthy

Word 'fairness' found buried near A10 layby

2010-12-03T07:08:00.000Z

The body was found here

The word 'fairness' was today discovered by police buried in a shallow grave off the busy A10 between London and Cambridge. A police spokesman announced the discovery in a sombre news conference, explaining to gathered journalists that it was 'one of the most inhumane and callous crimes' he had ever investigated.

Examination of the body reveals that the death of the word was neither slow nor painless. "We think this word was kidnapped some time ago," said the police spokesman, "By persons unknown - and it was more than one person we are sure. It was then held in captivity for months. There are signs of extreme ill-treatment and torture during that time. Forensic examinations show that the word was repeatedly raped by multiple people. We think it may also have been subjected to being dragged along on a rope behind a fast-moving vehicle, which may have been what killed it. It was finally dumped in this layby when its captors were tired of their sport."

The senior police officer wept as he spoke, and many of the assembled journalists could barely contain their horror at the treatment meted out to the word 'fairness'. Many of them afterwards spoke of the difficulty they would have in covering the story 'objectively'. One journalist who saw the body has taken himself off the story. "The body of 'fairness' is battered and malnourished and its face is...horror," he wrote in an email to his editor. "Such was the degradation it was exposed to that death probably came as sweet relief." He went on to say he could not cover the story "because if I even suspect who did this I will want them hung by the neck until dead, tomorrow, without trial."

The police have launched a massive investigation in an attempt to find the killers, but they are working with few clues and say that people have been reluctant to come forward. "People are scared," said the police spokesman. "They're thinking: if they would do that to an innocent word then god knows what they would do to someone who tried to bring them to book. But I urge you to come forward and not live in fear."

Meanwhile the only lead the police have to go on is 'an address in Westminster'. But they say that lead gives them little hope. "Whoever these people are, they are very clever, cold and calculating, and they are good at covering their tracks." said the spokesman. "We don't have much hope of catching them but we have to try, for the sake of 'fairness' and of justice."

Police unwittingly 'providing a structured learning environment' to young protesters

2010-11-30T21:48:00.003Z

Police escort a class away from the Palace

While police forces up and down the country attempt to control the anger being displayed on the streets, it seems they may have been providing the youth of Britain with the education the politicians are attempting to deny them. While the police have used kettling and other forceful tactics to intimidate protesters and prevent them from taking to the streets again, psychologists have pointed out that young people associate the feeling of being trapped against their will surrounded by lots of other young people with learning.

Few have wanted to speculate about what it is the young people might be learning in their new 'schools', but it does not appear to be the fear of the police that the police are so keen to instill. Worried parents around the country have begun to wonder if such actions by the police may even undermine their children's trust in authority. The police, careful to stay only within their alloted role, deny that they are providing free education to the nation's youth with their baton charges, detentions without charge, mass arrrests and mounted police charges. All they are doing is enforcing the law, they say, and all the teenagers need to learn is their place.

Reports reach the Council of Elrond that Cameron has the One Ring

2010-11-29T22:52:00.000Z

Today news was brought to the Council of Elrond in Rivendell by Gloin of the Dwarves that David Cameron, Conservative Leader and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is now in possession of the One Ring, and that the Ringwraiths have been seen abroad once more in the areas South and North of the River Thames.

The One Ring was forged by Thatcher in the fires of Mount Mordor and habitually perverts the minds and hearts of those who own it, weighing heavily even upon its wearer and turning those who lust after power into monsters. Thus, upon hearing the news, Gandalf, a wizard of no fixed abode, dropped his head upon the council table in despair. "Alas! It as I feared!" he groaned. "All is lost!"

"We of the elves are also not surprised by this news," said Elrond, the initiator of the council. "We knew that Cameron had some dark power to take so much away from so many people and yet go unopposed."

"And yet live!" roared Gimli, another dwarf present at the council. "My axe is sharp and my will is strong. I'll bring you his head in bag before the week is out!"

Then spoke Aragorn son of Arathorn, with a deep note of sadness in his voice. "No my brave friend," he said. "It will not be so easy. He is well-guarded behind anti-terrorist police gunmen."

"And alas," said Boromir, a human present at the council. "Our list of allies grows ever shorter. I bring news that Labour, though still claiming to oppose the Tories, have been playing us false. They too stand with Cameron and his Ringwraiths, those bankers so perverted by the dark powers of the Ring that they are no longer human. Their project to steal everything from everybody in the world draws closer to its conclusion."

"There is no hope so long as Cameron keeps his finger in Thatcher's Ring," said Gandalf, and he leaned heavily upon his staff and shook his head.

"Then we must take it and destroy it!" cried Legolas, a Silvan elf of the Woodland realm, whose distinctly unelf-like character often passes unnoticed among fans. "Let us set forth right now!"

"And yet who could bear such a burden?" said Elrond. "Not you Legolas. Not me. Not Gandalf. Once it were in our possession we would all be sullied by Thatcher's Ring and the lust for power that comes with it."

It seemed at this moment that all hope was lost, but there were also at the Council of Elrond a pair of hobbits, small and humble creatures with hairy feet. One of these, Frodo by name, a meek but courageous creature, stood up and said, "I will take the Ring from Cameron."

A great silence settled upon the circle, and those gathered there bowed their heads in acknowledgement of the sacrifice. Then said Aragorn son of Arathorn, "Here, take my flak jacket. It's the least I can do."

And Elrond spoke to the other hobbit, one Samwise Gamgee, and said, "You take my Blackberry Sam. You'll need to stay connected."

And Gimli passed Frodo his helmet and said, "I suggest you wear this. It's too big for you so it will cover your eyes and your ears - that way you won't know what hideous things the papers and tv are saying about you."

"And take this," said Boromir. "A sudoku book to lighten the long hours in the police cells."

And so the hobbits took their gifts, with fear and trepidation in their hearts but no lack of courage, and set forth upon their quest.

Nick Clegg rings NASA, makes 'casual enquiry' about cost of heat shields

2010-11-28T13:56:00.000Z

Check back here for regular updates on this story.

Gove: our return to Victorian school values 'a more than adequate preparation for the workhouse'

2010-11-26T07:56:00.003Z

History class

As the coalition government steps up plans to force benefits claimants to work, making people do jobs for free that might have taken them off the dole queue if they were paid positions, the government is countering criticisms that their plans are 'inhumane' with their new education policy, which they say will make working for free 'more bearable'.

While some have said that the goverment's plans amount to forced labour, sometimes known as slavery, the government has robustly refuted those criticisms. "There is a difference between slavery and the workhouse," explains Michael Gove, Education Secretary. "The Victorians were very much against slavery you know. We value their values, and that is why we are bringing back both free labour and Victorian educational values, which were always a more than adequate preparation for the workhouse. There are, in fact, many similarities between a correctly disciplined school environment and a workhouse. Those Victorians knew what they were about."

The recent coalition White Paper on education outlines a reversion back to tougher exams, tougher discipline and traditional subjects. But Michael Gove has some reassuring words for those who see this as a step backwards. "This is a very modern proposal," he said. "We're a modern Conservative party doing modern things. That's why we have to modernise education as well as modernising benefits. We are modernising everything in fact, and to those cynics who suggest that when I say 'modernising' I mean 'taking away', well I think you should think about your position obstructing progress towards a modern Britain."

Whatever the critics say, the modernisation programme is moving forward and it seems will continue to do so until there is nothing left to modernise.

Scientists: Cameron's use of the words 'fair', 'fairer' or 'fairness' causing rupture in English language that 'may plunge us all into black hole'

2010-11-24T23:18:00.000Z

More soon from the Large Hadron Collider Linguistics Team, dedicated to firing words into each other at high speed in the hope of finding one that politicians can't break

What to think about...outsourcing public services

2010-11-22T22:07:00.002Z

MRSA: join the dots

For the grim start of winter a grim (and not very funny) topic in my educational series of posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I have to agree because I've had a few drinks and I want to have sex with them all.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT OUTSOURCING

The public sector is inefficient
The private sector is efficient
The private sector can thus do everything better and cheaper than the public sector
Except running railways, it turned out, after people died, but the general thrust of the argument is true
We just have to make sure that the companies maintain standards, since there isn't any competition except every 10 or 15 years when the contract goes out to tender, but generally companies are nice and lovely so this is easy
The profit motive is thus good, not bad, and has a magical effect on service provision, such as might be conjured by a good-hearted boy wizard with a scar on his forehead, though it's funny when you think about it how few heart-warming childrens tales of government outsourcing there are in the bookshops

And what not to think (I apologise for the number of bullet points here but this area is full of potentially treacherous traps for the undisciplined thinker, causing many foolish people to think that outsourcing is little more than officially organised corruption):

Private companies are often very inefficient too and actually make profits because of monopoly positions, or taking advantage of people who don't know enough or, or lying, or frankly, stealing stuff
The one thing that sometimes increases efficiency among lumbering private companies is genuine competition, coincidentally the one thing it is usually impossible to have in public service provision
As a point of fact (so pesky avoiding these when seeking to think correctly - quash without ruth) companies habitually bid cheap to get a contract then work in lots of pricey extras or hold the government to ransom for extra money mid-term on the grounds of unforseeable expenses
'Efficiency savings' often come from squeezing workers till they bleed, thus undermining the quality of life not just of the workers but of the entire country since everyone suffers from the increased wealth gap
It turns out that when you give companies a regular public subsidy they behave as complacently as the worst public sector bodies, while skimming profit off the top - result! Or rather, 'results', as they say in the management consultancy trade (we give thanks for all your help in outsourcing, ye blessed consultants).
The cost of monitoring the contractors to stop them efficiently cutting corners is rarely included in the analysis of costs (This also has a factual basis but thankfully is easier to crush because it is boring)
The authorities usually go for the companies that put in the cheapest bid, not having heard the adage about peanuts, monkeys and the minimum wage receptionist at a government office who went beserk at the stress of his shift patterns and killed everyone walking through the door with a shotgun.
Which hasn't happened yet, but I keep peanuts in my pocket to placate receptionists just in case.
So it turns out private companies often don't do a better job, and they often don't do it cheaper, and when they do, it turns out to be a bad thing for everyone (Careful now! These incorrect thoughts can accumulate into bitter and counter-productive notions such as this - be alert!)
Measuring efficiency means measuring the end result, but if how we get there is just as important - if the process needs to be, for example, transparent, consistent, or accountable, or if it can do unmeasurable good along the way because it is embedded in wider society rather than a 'streamlined' company process, then perhaps efficiency isn't the only thing we should be aiming for. This bullet point alone potentially undermines the entire array of correct thinking, rendering the points above superfluous: please take care to dispose of it properly, do not expose to naked flames.

Mr Plod joins facebook, makes new friends, arrests them

2010-11-20T16:42:00.001Z

Mr Plod the policeman, who has always spent most of his time with other members of the Plod clan, this week joined facebook in an attempt to modernise himself. "It's expanding my horizons," explained Mr Plod. "For example, I never used to see liberals as humans, but now I see their actual faces and it challenges my preconceptions." Mr Plod has also been joining groups by the hundred, and has 'liked' literally thousands of pages, including the fan page of Boris Johnson, for whom he has always had a slightly guilty admiration, knowing him to have committed criminal indiscretions in his youth but beguiled by his jocular approach to politics.

But colleagues have been complaining that Mr Plod has been spending too much time on facebook and not enough time on the beat. "He spent the entirety of yesterday morning on there," said one colleague. "Apparently he was going round the profiles of 'known protesters' and simply posting the words 'Political extremist' on their profile. It seemed to give him a lot of pleasure but it's not what he's meant to be doing."

When challenged on the amount of time he spends on facebook however Mr Plod explained that he was involved in 'important intelligence gathering' and had set up a number of fake pages in order to attract extremists and other violent characters. "I set up one page called 'I want to punch David Cameron in the face' and it has already attracted 3000 fans," he explained. "I've set up another called 'I have feelings of rage towards those in authority' which I think will be very useful. If you think about it we could probably weed out all the bad people in society just with facebook."

Mr Plod went on to say that he was also about to massively boost his arrest count by arresting nearly everyone on facebook, including all of his new friends, for "sending an offensive or indecent message" contrary to the Communications Act of 2003. "I know it's going to end the fun I've been having on facebook," Mr Plod says wistfully, "And I know a lot of people think the Communications Act 2003 is the kind of law a dictatorial junta would pass. But if I am to apply the law universally instead of just selectively against people I don't like - which would be very wrong - then I'm afraid that everyone is guilty."

Mr Plod will begin his campaign of arrests tomorrow. He plans to use the Isle of Wight as a holding cell until more permanent accommodation can be built.

Police appoint new Witchfinder General

2010-11-16T19:11:00.007Z

Paul Staines, also known as Guido Fawkes, has today been appointed Witchfinder General for the Metropolitan Police. He is the first person to hold the office of Witchfinder General for 350 years. Paul Staines is a 'Libertarian' and in a former life organised raves but his deep and abiding love of windows has turned him into a force for good on the side of The Law. He now plans to dedicate his life to the protection of the established order and the burning of people who break different laws from him or with magical powers.

Government pays unknown amount of money to Guantanamo 'torture victims' for unknown reasons and due to unknowable 'intelligence concerns' in order to speed up enquiry into itself to see if it knows whether it knows what it was doing to have to make unknown payments for unknown reasons to said alleged 'torture victims' and so establish once and for all its known innocence through an enquiry process known for getting the bottom of everything knowable

2010-11-16T18:33:00.002Z

This post was jointly sponsored by the Sinister Clown Overlord Manifesto for Greater Absurdity in Politics and the Campaign for Longer Headlines.

It's not torture if someone else does if for you anyway

DHL wins contract to transport new graduates to jobs

2010-11-14T17:19:00.000Z

A graduate-sized box, wrapped as a giant gift to the employer

The government has announced today that DHL has won the lucrative contract to deliver graduates, newly qualified and boxed, to their employers. Insiders say that the German company beat off stiff competition from Fedex, TNT and Parcelforce because at similar prices to the other bidders they also offered to install conveyor belts from the platforms of graduation halls across the country out to temporary loading bays. The new graduates will walk up to the platform to receive their qualification, which in most cases will be a facsimile, and then step straight onto the conveyor belt to be dropped into an appropriately size box, which will have airholes and a small stock of liquids and snacks for the journey.

This process, which DHL describes as 'the most efficient delivery of graduates to jobs anywhere in the world', is part of a wider government plan to allocate graduates to wherever they will be most economically active and offer best value for money. The government says that their reduction in corporation tax over the next few years will also represent an increase in value for money, since employers will get 'well-packaged industry-oriented graduates at a lower cost to themselves.'

However Serco, the company tasked with allocating students to their new roles, has admitted to some difficulties in placing certain students. "Obviously the scientists and lawyers and so on can go straight to their designated roles in industry," explained a spokesman. "Social science students will mostly be placed in HR or marketing roles. The arts students we struggled with for a while but then we discovered this whole sector called 'the creative industries' so we're pretty sure we can offload them."

But it is with philosophy students that Serco has had the most trouble. Eventually they located a small, somewhat barren island off the coast of Scotland in need of labourers to till the rocky, unyielding soil. "It's very isolated there and there's not much to do besides philosophise," explained Serco. "So what with philosophy graduates being otherwise economically inactive we figured it was a good match." One philosophy student, asked to comment on the plan, cryptically referred to it as a 'valid metaphor'.

Meanwhile DHL say that they have been working on streamlining the delivery processes even more since submitting their bid. "We asked some economics students to help us, and it turns out that if you don't put airholes in the boxes, and you don't give the package - sorry, person - any food or drink, you can actually save a lot of money. It does mean that about one in every six hundred dies of asphyxiation, and about one in every two thousand dies of thirst, but even factoring in the revenue losses it still works out cheaper for us."

However in an ironic twist it will only be economics graduates transported in this low-cost manner. "We discovered that it breaches human rights or something," said a DHL spokesman, "But then we looked into it further and realised that human rights don't cover economists. Since the triumph of the Chicago School within the discipline it turns out they aren't human any more - they have all been transmogrified into robotic drones for a fundamentalist ideology. So that will save us some money."

DHL has also won the contract to find new homes for lecturers and professors who are likely to undermine ratings in the new 'Research Excellence Framework'. Again they have had trouble finding somewhere to transport those with an inability to adjust to the new culture of 'excellence' and 'value' within universities. Eventually a home was found for them in Timbuktu, Mali. "We know it sounds like the punchline to a cheap joke," said a spokesman. "But it turns out Timbuktu had this ancient and - dare I say it - old-fashioned university, where knowledge and learning were valued as good things in themselves. We thought they'd feel at home there." The transport of inefficient faculty members will begin sometime in 2011.

The government has said it is pleased that universities are now going to have more contact with such a successful company as DHL, and already many university presidents, provosts, deans and rectors see the company as an example to universities. "We long for the day when we too can be as efficient as DHL," said Sir Keith O'Nions, Rector of Imperial College. "In fact I'm a little jealous of their motto and I've wondered if they'd mind us using it: Excellence. Simply Delivered. So you see we're effectively in the same business. I think this will be a great partnership."

We Are All Windows Now

2010-11-13T13:09:00.004Z

A diverse and vibrant community worthy of the protection of the state

In the wake of the minor facebook viral success of my National Day of Mourning declared for windows of Millbank Tower (I say minor - this blog is usually just read by my friends so it has boosted traffic way above the norm. Hello to all the lovely people I don't know and please do sign up to the feed or Twitter updates) I am pleased to see that people have begun to recognise the key part that windows play in our political life. Someone has even created a facebook page Become a Window (G'wan, say you 'like' it).

Upon reading this it struck me that we have reached an important moment in the history of British politics: the moment when the British people, tired of being treated as mere statistics and objects by their 'superiors', can finally get their revenge by becoming objects. While on the face of it this plan appears counter-intuitive, even crazy, it is actually the best thing to happen in British politics since Thatcher died (Editor's note: she's not quite dead yet, despite haunting us all - please amend for final post). The beauty of it is that, by becoming windows (or other object of your choice) we will in one fell swoop qualify ourselves for (a) the protection of the courts (b) the protection of the police and (c) the blind affections of journalists.

As windows then we will no longer be abused by the police and their arbitrary powers, we will be able to assert our right to a life of ease and leisure sitting within a supportive frame, and above all our voice will be heard within public political discussion. On these building blocks I am fairly sure we can reconstruct politics in Britain from the ground up. From the mindless oppression of the windows of Millbank Tower then it appears that some good has come, their shattering sacrifice has not been in vain - all that is required is that each of us stand up and say 'I am a window too!'

National Day of Mourning declared for windows of Millbank Tower

2010-11-12T08:11:00.003Z

An extremist lets everyone down

In the aftermath of the student riots, and as the nation surveys in horror the wreckage of Millbank Tower, Westminster, the Prime Minister today announced that there was to be a National Day of Mourning for the lower windows of Millbank Tower. He spoke in Parliament with quiet dignity and a solemn demeanor to announce the Day of Mourning, saying that "Every shard of glass from those windows cut me to my very soul."

"We are all horrified at the loss of these windows and the vicious, mindless aggression that caused it, and this day will help people going through the different stages of grief," he went on to say. "In particular my heart goes out to the nation's journalists, who seem utterly inconsolable. It touches my heart that those who have been so stoical in the face of the cuts we have made, cuts that will result in mental health problems, family breakups, homelessness, stress, and even death, have yet dug deep within their hearts to express pain, disappointment and grief at the loss of those fine windows, once polished proudly every day by our minimum wage cleaning contractors."

The Prime Minister went on to pay tribute to Aaron Porter, president of the National Union of Students. "The temptation must have been so strong," he said, "To stand behind those he represents and their expression of dissatisfaction and rage. Instead he too felt deep compassion for those simple, innocent panes of glass. There goes a true man, thought I, when I saw him refuse the temptation to say that we deserved it."

At several points during the speech the Prime Minister almost gave way to his emotions, even brushing away a tear at one point as he spoke of the tenacity of journalists who "by their refusal to distinguish between violence against people and violence against property, are making a stand for the rights of windows everywhere."

The Prime Minister went on to thank all those who, while denouncing the violent demonstrators, had never once referred to his own cutbacks as violent, nor his waging of war in Afghanistan, nor his refusal to roll back the anti-terrorist laws that grant the police more power than ever before. "It is these fine distinctions in definition," he said, "And it is in the beautiful poetry of asymmetrical denunciation, that civilisation thrives. Me, I like civilisation. It's worked so well for me. So thank you."

The National Day of Mourning for Millbank's Windows will be this Tuesday, 16th of November. When asked after the speech whether people would get the day off work for the Day of Mourning the Prime Minister's spokesman quickly made it clear that this would not be the case. "We're trying to get people to work more, not less," he said. "Just mourn in your hearts, okay? And get on with your work. It's what the windows would have wanted."

What to think about...The Olympics

2010-11-08T14:01:00.001Z

Once you've seen it as Lisa giving Bart a blow job you never see anything else

Behold! Another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and having seen one recently explain the causes of the Oxfordshire Rising of 1596 I'm inclined to agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS

The Olympics provides entertainment to millions of people, like X-factor

It creates peace between nations, like the UN, but by fast running and leaping and throwing rather than by talking and wearing blue helmets

World Peace for £7bn is a right bargain, particularly compared to the UN

The area it will be in will benefit from investment, even if it is investment in stadiums rather than, say, houses, or schools, or hospitals, and in fact throws people out of their homes for said stadiums

Children will be inspired to pursue excellence in sport, as they are encouraged to pursue excellence in all things, particularly if they go to academies, and fuck you little Josh if you just aren't excellent at anything

And now, unsporting thoughts such as might be harboured by losers and other inexcellent types:

The world is hardly struggling to create light entertainment and it can be done a lot cheaper than by holding the Olympics. If you released an over-excited guinea-pig on the dancefloor during a Strictly Come Dancing episode it would entertain everyone as much as a gold medal in the javelin. Cost of a guinea-pig: £5. Cost of a caffeine pill to feed to the guinea-pig: 20p. Total cost: £5.20.
If you object to drug-fuelled family entertainment that's the Olympics out the window isn't it? Though of course if no one gets caught we can all pretend it isn't happening.
As far as I can see the people who really benefit from this huge expenditure of public money are property developers, building contractors, advertisers, providers of outsourced services, management consultants, politicians who get to strut around looking important, and media commentators who have so little to say that they are desperate for a chance to fake excitement about a man running a hundred metres.

Intrepid journalists do battle with facts in national media

2010-11-05T07:22:00.001Z

The ever-tranquil British populace at play

Observers of the national media have in recent weeks noticed an interesting and heroic trend among journalists and commentators in the press, on television and even on the radio. The heroic efforts have been directed against a remorseless and tireless enemy: historical facts. The battlefield has been the question of whether British people are the sort of people who might take to the streets in violent opposition to abusive or incompetent leaders, and the plucky underdogs in the media seem surprisingly sure of their ground.

"It's very clear that the British aren't like the French," said one commentator indistinguishable from all the others. "We simply have no history of demonstrating like the French do. It's pretty much their first reaction to anything - to go out and protest. While British people just sort of sit at home and moan a bit. That's why the French had a revolution and we didn't."

At present the journalists and commentators appear to be winning the battle, but historical facts, needing neither food nor drink nor cocaine in order to keep going, have a habit of making a comeback when least expected. We await the outcome with baited breath

In the meantime, since triflingoffence aims to entertain as well as inform, we have, in a burst of altruism, devised a quiz for journalists who have repeated themselves so often they must be on the verge of killing themselves to end the boredom. The fun-filled task is to trace the source and historical context of the following quotes from history. The only tool necessary is Google which, judging from the quality of their output, most journalists are more than familiar with.

We see that things have now come to extremities, and we will prove the extremity. We will rend down the hedges, fill up ditches, and make a way for every man into the common pasture. Finally, we will lay all even with the ground, which they, no less wickedly than cruelly and covetously, have enclosed.

Still, enclosure is the kind of thing that people forget in a hurry, like Big Brother contestants.

One thing I must tell you more.....

Break in pieces quickly the Band of particular Property, disown this oppressing Murder, Opression and Thievery of Buying and Selling of Land, owning of landlords and paying of Rents and give thy Free Consent to make the Earth a Common Treasury without grumbling.....that all may enjoy the benefit of their Creation.

The language of the two above gives away their age, but some of the themes tend to crop up repeatedly.

We are bowed down under a load of taxes; which, notwithstanding, fall greatly short of the wants of our rulers; our traders are trembling on the verge of bankruptcy; our workmen are starving; capital brings no profit and labour no remuneration; the home of the artificer is desolate, and the warehouse of the pawnbroker is full; the workhouse is crowded and the manufactory is deserted. We have looked upon every side, we have searched diligently in order to find out the causes of a distress so sore and so long continued. We can discover none, in nature, or in providence. Heaven has dealt graciously by the people; but the foolishness of our rulers has made the goodness of God of none effect.

It seems unfair to rely on such studied rhetorical flourishes, so over to someone who never indulged in such things.

It is a conflict which, if it is fought out to a conclusion can only end in the overthrow of parliamentary government or its decisive victory.

Ho hum. And finally, a first hand report.

Another rush from the crowd, running madly. Somebody grabbed me from behind. I spun around. "It’s alright, it's only me". A friend thank god. Hands held. "Don’t run, that’s what they want". I’m running because I don’t want to get trampled. We get out of the crowd for a breather, talking excitedly, then look down the road to see smoke billowing out, something’s on fire. The news spread quickly down to us, "What's burning?" "South Africa House", "South Africa House has gone up in flames". Sheer ecstasy. The joy on people's faces as this news spread.

Osborne: 'A multi-class society has failed - it's time to try integration'

2010-11-01T21:26:00.001Z

Solidarity of the declasse

In a landmark speech to parliament yesterday the Chancellor George Osborne announced that he believes that the 'multi-class' experiment has failed. "The middle classes don't talk to the working classes because they're scared of them. The working classes don't talk to the middle classes because they think they've got a broomstick stuck up their arse. I don't know about your criteria for failure, but that meets mine."

The Chancellor's solution is a radical one: he is to abolish the middle classes and integrate them into one great 'melting pot' of workers, who will work longer hours, with less job security, for more years, and for less pensions than ever before. "I think worker's solidarity is a lovely thing," said Osborne. "And with the help of my policies there's going to be a whole lot more of it, because no one will be putting on airs and graces when they get their house repossesed."

Osborne also suggesting that the expanded working class be renamed the 'working and not working class', since this will also vastly increase the number of people in what some have dubbed his 'super-class'. "The Tory party is and always has been the party of 'inclusivity'," he explained. "And it seems unfair that a large percentage of the population of the country who could be working would be excluded simply because there isn't any work to be had except for bailiffs and soldiers."

However critics of the new class 'integration' claim that Osborne is being less than honest with his claim that 'we are all in this class together'. "I hate to have to point this out," said one commentator who didn't wish to be named for fear of being thought a raving Commie, "But there's one class still not integrated in this super-class - which I think is a lovely idea by the way - and that's the class beginning with 'U'. If Osborne isn't sure what it is or where to find it, I'll give him directions to the Cabinet meeting room and a mirror to place on the table."

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats responded to criticisms of the 'super-class': "Yes, there has been a lot of naysaying. We may have been naysayers ourself once upon a time. We have the capacity to change, and to say yea as well as nay, sometimes in the same week. There's nothing wrong with that, or with anything, if you ask us at the right time of day. Getting the right time of day is kind of tricky I admit, particularly since I couldn't tell you what right or wrong is any more, or the difference between yes and no, and, wait...what was I talking about? Yes, the elimination of the middle class. Thumbs up from us!"

Journalist 'disappointed' by Cameron's lack of commitment to social justice. Also disappointed by failure of convicted paedophile to provide nurturing, supportive environment for her children

2010-10-31T14:38:00.005Z

See the national press for details.

What to think about...Fairtrade

2010-10-27T21:36:00.003Z

Cadburys are lovely

Welcome to another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer you clear of mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and if you say something often enough it becomes true.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT FAIRTRADE

Fairtrade goods allow us to choose products that ensure the workers get a fairer price, and this is good, obviously - I mean, who could argue with that? A monster maybe.
People want to be good - they just need to be given a chance to consume in the right way
It's not charity, and it's not a cut-throat market attitude. It's a third way, and as reasonable people we all know that Third Ways are the answer
Even if we don't know a lot about the condition of the labourers we never meet, or the conditions of the immigrant labourers in the Tesco warehouse that weren't included on the label, at least Fairtrade is doing something.
A smiling face of a coffee picker on the side of your packet of coffee makes you feel slightly less complicit in the general reliance of your civilisation on poor labourers. They are smiling because you bought their coffee, and this makes you happy

And what not to think (unfortunate mental aberrations that may arise) :

If the goods are not signficantly more expensive than non-Fairtrade goods, the workers can't really be getting that much extra money - £2.25 a day instead of £2 is still dirt poor. And if the goods are significantly more expensive, they become a niche product for well-heeled people, because most people, by both necessity and training, do shop according to price.
If ethics can be consumed then it is just another product, in which case I'm gonna get some from my local dealer every day and do it intravenously, cos I love that ethical rush

Noel Edmunds to launch 'Instant Homes' scheme

2010-10-26T06:23:00.001Z

Mental powers to house?

Noel Edmunds, more usually known for a string of inexplicable television programmes, is to spend the next stage of his career promoting a new way for young people, who will soon all be ineligible for council housing and also priced out of the housing market, to get their own homes.

"I call the new homes 'Instant Homes'," explains the celebrity presenter. "All it requires is will-power and positivity. What you do is, you shut your eyes and IMAGINE the house you want. You imagine just as hard as you can, you really focus on it, and before you know it, you're starting to feel warm and comfortable and you know where your fridge is. You bring your home into reality INSTANTLY with the power of your mind. That's it. Nothing more to it."

Many people have tried to solve the problems for young people caused by the housing bubble, in which property prices are held artificially high by a combination of property speculators, buy-to-let landlords and second homeowners. But never before has the mind of Noel Edmunds been turned on the issue and some see it as cause for renewed hope. The government has cautiously welcomed his intervention in a problem they have been unable to solve themselves. "But we are concerned that a sudden increase in the supply of housing could drive down prices," said a government insider. "Which would be great for young people, obviously, but terrible for people who already have houses. Well, not terrible, just inconvenient. But we don't want it to happen because it's the kind of thing that loses elections."

Edmunds has responded by saying that 'The government's obsession with money money money shows that they have lost sight of what is important in life'. Since returning from the grave Noel Edmunds has proclaimed his adherence to bafflingly implausible self-help philosophies and has promoted them via the medium of television. This time Noel Edmunds is to come directly to the homes of anyone who phones his 'I Want A House To Party In Too' hotline, to explain to them how they can get their own home that very day. The visits will then be filmed and broadcast as a documentary called 'Noel Edmunds saves the World'.

Some have pooh-poohed the whole idea of 'Instant Homes', saying they are unlikely to keep anyone warm for long, and that the government would be better off taking measures such as building more council housing, or taxing well-heeled amateur buy-to-letters out of the market, a move it was unwilling to take while Tony Blair, a well-heeled amateur buy-to-letter, was in power. Noel Edmunds has responded in turn by calling his critics 'Destructive purveyors of negative energy'. He said "While I provide homes for people, INSTANTLY, they just provide naysaying and 'economics'. I'm having none of it, and if you want to be able to have your own home this side of sixty, call my hotline NOW. Don't say nay, say yay!"

Psychiatrists across Britain urge end of denial, acceptance of need for a good length of 2"x4"

2010-10-22T19:19:00.004Z

Cabinet Ministers discover the others caught syphilis from Rupert Murdoch too

2010-10-20T21:33:00.002Z

Plenty to go around

After months of everyone in the cabinet hiding their condition from one other, each convinced that they alone were struggling with a shameful secret, there was great relief in cabinet meeting today when it emerged that every one of them caught syphilis after nights of passion with Rupert Murdoch during the election campaign.

According to uncorroborated reports it was Ken Clarke, in a fit of bad temper brought on by an itch in the unmentionables and an adverse reaction to antibiotics, who finally burst out in the middle of a cabinet meeting, "God damn that diseased Aussie!"

One civil servant who witnessed the extraordinary scenes in the cabinet room said, "That was it. Once Ken half admitted to it, Theresa May – who I had noticed had been looking worried all morning – said 'You too?' and that just opened the floodgates. It turned out everyone in the room had it. William Hague started crying when he realised he wasn't the only one. With relief you understand."

Cameron was said to have maintained a 'dignified silence' throughout the confessions, though he was seen surreptitiously making notes when Liam Fox spoke about his success treating symptoms using a medical kit he 'borrowed' from a soldier while visiting Afghanistan.

Syphilis is usually an easily treatable disease but the 'Murdoch strain', as doctors are already calling it, is showing resistance to everything that science has to offer. "It's the body's worst nightmare, and that includes Vince Cable's body," explained the doctor treating Vince Cable, who has allowed his doctor to waive confidentiality on the condition that his name be mentioned every other sentence. "It's horrible. Slowly but surely it takes over everything, even in someone as strong and virile as Vince Cable. In the end there will be nothing left but syphilis."

A spokesman for Rupert Murdoch said, "These baseless accusations are exactly the kind of thing we expect to hear from the bloated, overfunded BBC. Do they really have nothing better to do than investigate the sex lives of British politicians?" When it was pointed out that it was not the BBC making the accusations, and that it was more usually the Murdoch press investigating the sex lives of politicians, the spokesman said he would return with a better defence tomorrow. "Any journalist printing anything in the meantime," he said as he left the room, "Will have the entire armory of the Murdoch empire focused on destroying them. Or a night with Rupert. Whichever works out cheaper for him."

Government prepares windowless soundproofed holding pen for ageing reality tv stars

2010-10-17T21:28:00.003Z

In search of dignity

Secret government plans to build a vast camera-free soundproofed holding pen by 2030 for today's reality tv stars have today been leaked to the press amidst accusations that the project will 'strip reality tv stars of their dignity'. Proponents of the scheme say that reality tv stars need to be protected from their own 'unnatural urges' to expose themselves to the mockery of the nation.

The holding pen is to be built in the remote Welsh countryside. It will be ringed with barbed wire, windowless, and built of the best soundproofed materials available. A government spokesman responding to criticisms explained that, "The whole idea is in fact to protect their dignity. By 2030 the stars of today will all be losing their looks or will have lost them. Their 'bubbly', 'sparkly' and 'vivacious' personalities will have burned out into a kind of low-level whine of obstreperous bitterness, and we thought the kindest thing we could do for them all would be to shut them away without cameras or access to newspaper columnists, where their increasingly desperate clamouring for attention will harm neither themselves nor others."

Some human rights campaigners have drawn comparisons with ancient practices of leaving the weak in society outside in the cold to die, but the government has provided assurances that the holding pen will be well heated and the 'contestants' well fed. "Of course we can't answer for what they'll do to each other," one civil servant said with a resigned shrug. "The sheer concentration of crass manipulativeness in one place will be so great we'll probably have to create a new word for it. There'll likely be a few murders. But that's their affair. At least no one will be able to see or hear them pawing at each other in a desperate bid to appear in the papers, and no cameras will be on hand to provide any sort of encouragement of drama-queenery. It's the best we can do for them."

Many media commentators have welcomed the move. "We don't mind the stupid people when they're attractive," said one. "But once they're ugly I think it's best to hide them away somewhere. As for the question of dignity, it barely seems relevant. These are reality tv stars we're talking about, not real people."

Several reality tv stars were asked for their opinion on their future home. However, since it quickly became clear that they only answered in what they thought would be the most popular or attention-garnering way, and that none of them could actually comprehend a future without tv cameras, their comments have not been included here as an act of mercy.

Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

2010-10-16T12:43:00.000Z

Okay, some of you Radio 4 fans aren't going to like me for this, but I had this story on Newsbiscuit yesterday:
Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

In my defence, I wrote the story as someone who listens to Radio 4, but lately due to the unfortunate necessity of car journeys I have been listening to it too much. And in high doses the smugness is fucking unbearable. The story was edited by newsbiscuit but thankfully they kept the last two lines - which is the part of the story I liked the most. I could write an entire essay on those two lines but it wouldn't be as funny so I don't.

Kurd-killing Saddam killed good Kurds, Kurd-killing Turks kill bad Kurds, explains US Army spokesman

2010-10-13T17:29:00.000Z

Good kurds or bad kurds?

The US has today defended itself against accusations of hypocrisy for passing intelligence information to Turkey in order to help the Turkish army bomb Kurdish villages in Northern Iraq. President Bush had previously cited Saddam Hussein's murdering of Kurds as a prime motivation for invading the country.

A spokesman for the US Military explained the logic. "Saddam was a Kurd-killer, but he was a good Kurd-killer. The good Kurds didn't kill and so killing those Kurds was catastrophic. Turkey kills bad Kurds, and the bad Kurds kill, so Turkey killing Kurds is okay with us. The quality of Kurd-killing changes according to the quality of Kurds. Turkey killing Kurdish killers can't be critiqued."

When pressed on the issue of innocent civilian deaths, the spokesman went on to say, "Collateral Turkish Kurd-killing compromises killing quality but Kurdish killers must be killed by Turkish killers or bad Kurds will kill Turks. Everything clear?"

The spokesman was relieved of duties and taken to a lunatic asylum shortly afterwards

Man gives up fear of terrorism in disgust after failing to be targeted by al-Qaeda

2010-10-11T17:04:00.000Z

Once again I've got a story on Newsbiscuit. I won the highly coveted (by about twenty people) Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month Award last month. I think I get a mug.
Man gives up fear of terrorism in disgust after failing to be targeted by al-Qaeda

Oxford and Cambridge to reintroduce personal butlers for all students

2010-10-10T17:02:00.001Z

In anticipation of the lifting of tuition fee limits following a recommendation to the government by Lord Browne, Oxford and Cambridge are already setting in motion plans to provide butlers to all students as standard. Many are welcoming the return to the good old days, though some have asked where sufficient butlers can be found in these diminished post-Jeeves times.

Lord Browne, a recently knighted 'people's peer', was chosen to conduct an independent review in university funding for the government. As former Chief Executive of BP he understands the problems of students from poor families, having sometimes employed them to clean the toilets in BP headquarters.

Disillusioned 'Harry Potter Generation' leaving school without wizarding skills

2010-10-09T09:45:00.002Z

Life didn't turn out like this and it sucks

As the generation who began reading the Harry Potter books as children approach school leaving age many have begun to feel a deep disillusionment with life. While it is normal for teenagers to feel discontented with what life has to offer, this is a disillusionment that separates them from all generations that have gone before. Whilst in their minds they knew the Harry Potter books were fiction, in their hearts many of the 'Harry Potter Generation' as they are known, believed that they too would one day be wrenched from their normal humdrum lives and flown to a wizarding school on a giant's motorbike.

Lucy Weil of Huddersfield is one such girl. "I've just finished sixth form, and I'm off to University and it's all meant to be exciting and everything, and I'm sure I'll love being away from home for the first time, but the fact is, I never expected to finish school like this. I was pretty sure I would at some point be selected as someone with special powers who would be worthy of a wizarding education. It's pretty disappointing."

Thomas Nunton, an eighteen-year-old from Ashford agrees. "As someone brought up in Ashford you always assume you're destined for something better," he said. "And yeah, I can move to London and become free labour for a record company or something, but it's not wizarding school is it? And it's too late for that now. So, you know, that casts a bit of a shadow over the rest of your life, you know?"

Pyschologists say it is common for children to confuse stories and real life. However the extent to which children secretly believed themselves to be Harry Potter has taken them by surprise. "We think it's a symptom of other things," said Sarah Malling, from the University of London's Psychology Department. "Chiefly that most children find normal education to be unspeakably tedious and - quite rightly - don't think much of their prospects in the current economic climate."

But most teenagers we spoke to disagreed with this hard-headed analysis of Potter Mania. "Bullshit," said Jon Nevis, 17, from Cardiff. "I just wanted to be able to blow the shit out of stuff with a wand by now. And instantaneously transport myself into my girlfriend's bedroom every night. Is that too much to ask of life?"

JK Rowling has responded to stories of the disillusionment of the Harry Potter Generation with a statement saying, "My publishing company will continue producing tangentially related books for those who don't want to let Harry Potter go for as long as it makes me pots of money. The franchise lives on and so can your dreams."

But her most ardent fans, now old enough to vote, may not be satisfied with books any longer and revolution is in the air. They want their wizarding skills and nothing else will do. Some say that disillusioned would-be wizards may even turn against the woman who raised their expectations and so cruelly led them on. "I'm not saying she's Voldemort or anything," says Thomas Nunton. "But I've begun to think she may be a Death Eater and you know what I'd do to Death Eaters." Then he sighed. "Or would do if I could do magic."

What to think about...Ed Miliband

2010-10-07T13:52:00.001Z

Very closeted indeed

This is my highly educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, even the ones that are.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT ED MILIBAND

Ed Miliband is a closet raving leftist who got the support of the unions
Because he owes his victory to the unions, he must distance himself from the unions so as to show that he owes them nothing
The best way for him to do this would be to make sure that none of his policies are leftist - this worked well for Gordon Brown when he was briefly suspected of having socialist sympathies
Ed Miliband controversially thinks the Iraq War was wrong - even though he never said so while it was going on and has actively opposed all attempts to investigate it properly
Just because he lives in a £1.6million house he got through some very businesslike financial dealings and is married to a lawyer who works for E.ON, the energy corporation fond of coal, nuclear power and massive lobbying of government, doesn't mean he isn't a raging commie

And what not to think (defiling thoughts that ill-befit your dignity):

It's pretty interesting to watch the media propaganda machine crank itself up at the mere whiff of leftism in British politics, though presumably part of the reason is that they have to carry on pretending the politicans are different from each other
The whiff of leftism is pretty much all that's left, and that makes Ed Miliband the final weak fart blowing in your face from a distant socialist past

Government plans to outsource Afghan War falter for lack of 'serious' bidders

2010-10-05T20:54:00.003Z

Government plans to privatise the War in Afghanistan have got off to an inauspicious start, suffering from a lack of bidders the government regards as 'serious'. Only two bids have so far been submitted, one from the English Defence League, who the government characterised as 'Lacking both the manpower and the strategic planning capability.'

"Sure, we've had interest from some of the big corporations," said a government insider. "Halliburton were sniffing around for a bit, as you'd expect - I think they're drawn to the smell of blood. Serco looked into it too. Do you know what Serco does except sponge off fat government contracts? Me neither."

But the big corporations all withdrew their bids after discovering that the contract would be paid on results and that there was only one measurable output: Victory. "It was the black and white nature of it we couldn't make sense of," said a Halliburton source. "We could have dealt with being paid on a sliding scale according to degrees of victory - so you'd still be paid for a certain value of victory, like in the Iraq War - but in this case the 'output achieved' column just had two options: yes/no. We ran a mile."

The only other bid was from the Basingstoke Women's Institute. "We think they mistook it for knitting contract," said a civil servant. But the head of the Basingstoke WI, run to ground by journalists watering the geraniums in her back garden, said that the bid was not a mistake. "We decided that we couldn't fuck it up any more than the government, so why not? Yes, we swear now as well as strip for calendars - welcome to the 21st Century fuckwads. Now give us the war and we'll sort it out for you."

Governments sources admit that if the Basingstoke WI bid was serious they were likely to get 'preferred bidder' status. "I'd back them against the EDL any day of the week," said one civil servant. "Question is, should we back them against the Taliban? God knows we've tried everything else."

Scouts, Guides, Cubs, Brownies finally rise up to save Empire

2010-10-03T12:13:00.001Z

One of many scouting rallies taking back the streets from yobs and wastrels

In fulfilment of the hopes and dreams of their founder, Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell, the Scouts, Guides and their affiliated groups have this week finally risen to the challenges of the era and taken on their rightful roles as saviours of the British Empire.

Baden-Powell's youth paramilitary organisations have until recently been known more for their skills at lighting fires, camping and smoking behind Akela's back than for an aggressive stance towards lesser peoples, but Baden-Powell, whose aim was to train the young to lead the Empire to ever greater heights, would surely be proud of them if he could see them now.

Scouts and Guides entered parliament a few days ago and threw out the 'lily-livered' Tory-Liberal coalition. They have since installed an aristocratic/scouting/military junta led by the Duke of Edinburgh. "I'm thrilled we can finally have a go at those savages," said the Duke as he prepared to lead his youthful new troops in a victory lap of central London. "They've had it coming for a while I can tell you. Better late than never, what?"

A spokesboy for the Scouts confirmed that "The time for political correctness is over. The time to thrash the brown-skinned johnnies until they beg for mercy is here." He then raised the Union Jack, saluted the flag and forced the assembled journalists to pledge allegiance to the Queen. The Queen has expressed 'delight' at the surprise turn of events, and looks forward to taking on the title of 'Empress' more usually associated with her ancestor Victoria. She is also said to be privately convinced that war abroad will do more to benefit the flagging British economy than any number of public sector cutbacks.

The army, all of whose senior commanders have now been replaced by competent Scout Sixers, is already preparing to re-enter many of the African colonies. Plans are also afoot to take back India, the jewel in the imperial crown, but such a labour-intensive undertaking takes preparation, says Girl Guide, Teresa Thompson. "We plan an aggressive recruitment drive, mostly on council estates. We'll whip the hoodies and chavs into shape and make them a prime colonial expeditionary force in no time using Baden-Powell's time-honoured principles as laid out in Scouting For Boys: clean living, knot-tying, tracking wild animals and curtailing your masturbatory activities. Really, he wrote about the evils of masturbation in Scouting For Boys. Little-known fact."

When asked how they intended to deal with the war in Afghanistan a spokesman for the new Scouting Junta said, "We'll get the blinking blazes out of there I should say, and pretty damn sharpish. Haven't you lot read any colonial history? If not, we'll be introducing a new 'History of the Empire' badge next week. It will be compulsory - this is an Empire, not a democracy. Now, when did you last polish your shoes, and where the hell is your woggle?"

Tony Blair now receiving letters from women who usually make advances to violent prisoners

2010-09-30T22:26:00.002Z

Another story of mine on Newsbiscuit:

Tony Blair now receiving letters from women who usually make advances to violent prisoners

I'd like to make it clear that I get a pleasure from laying into Tony Blair that I don't get from anything else. He took an entire nation for a ride for ten years, during which he laid waste to another nation, and lied about everything that matters, and tooks us further down the path of Thatcherism than Thatcher did, and now he runs around the world making money off the back of it. He is scum. I could never tire of kicking him in the balls.

What to think about...bankers

2010-09-29T15:57:00.004Z

The beautiful product of beautiful minds

This is another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I take all my advice from glorified accountants.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT BANKERS

Bankers are the cutting edge of a financial system based on risk and monopoly that has made certain people in the world very wealthy (check your bank account now to see if you are one of these people)

They brought the world to the brink of economic collapse in a climate of deregulation, partly because they were skimming so much off the top for themselves that they just couldn't bring themselves to stop

No one can excuse the risks they took or how much they pay themselves or their disregard for wider society

Nothing has changed in the way they work or the system they work within, but the government fully intends to do something about it any day now

Ooh look, a pigeon with a deformed beak!

And what not to think (results of mental programming errors):

I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
Focus! Remember what we were talking about!

Cameron claims Thatcher was 'a bit of a pussy' on public sector cuts and fighting miners

2010-09-26T15:41:00.001Z

A weakling

David Cameron today announced that he has always consider Margaret Thatcher 'a bit of an amateur, even a bit of a pussy' when it came to slashing government budgets and fighting miners.

"For one thing, she was so wet that she never got rid of the NHS," he pointed out. "I mean, that's got to be first on the hit list if you want to slash public spending, right? It's not like anyone needs it. We all have private health insurance these days. If you don't, get some fast is my advice."

When asked why he also considered Thatcher 'something of a wimp' when it came to fighting miners, Cameron said, "It wasn't her fault. The problem with Thatcher was that she was a woman." He then stood up from his seat, ripped off his shirt and began making fighting postures towards the camera. "She never got into the violence personally! So gentle and feminine, was Maggie! For jobs like this you need a man. Come on miners! I can take you! You should have seen me at school boxing club! You don't stand a chance!"

When it was pointed out to him that his threats were rendered somewhat hollow by the fact that there aren't any miners left, he calmed down, put his shirt back on and said, "That's as may be, but you just wait till I'm done with the NHS. It'll make Maggie look like some kind of pansy."

Some prick elected leader of pricks opposing other pricks. Nation to get shafted.

2010-09-26T10:36:00.003Z

More later.

What to think about...The House of Lords

2010-09-23T16:00:00.002Z

Soon to be 'modernised' with glass and steel trim

This is my ever-popular educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and those guys run the world so they must be right.

THE HOUSE OF LORDS

It is an ancient and venerable institution

Lords oversight partially makes up for the lower house being so pathetically weak and giving in to the government's every whim

Elections for the upper house would (a) be the perfect solution or (b) create another pissing contest in the national media
Whatever is wrong with it, it makes some very useful amendments to government legislation
Some of the Lords, it is true, are politician's friends, but they are very knowledgeable and useful people (see above)

And proper old Lords are kind of cool, like maces and trebuchets

And now what not to think (thoughts that sneak up on those with unsanitary minds):

If elections are pissing contests in the national media and the lower house is weak and the upper house is corrupt, perhaps we should find a better way of organising the country
Churchill said "Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others" - but then, as someone who won the game referred to as 'democracy', he's not really a trustworthy source on the merits of the game is he?
Fucking think about it for a moment before you pull out some dessicated turd of a quote like that on me (swearing always makes bullet points funnier - management consultants don't teach you that).

Obama and Ahmedinajad take ritual playground taunts to next level

2010-09-21T21:36:00.001Z

United Nations, last week

Relations between the US and Iran reached a new low today when Barack Obama drew a line across the playground with his foot and told Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , "I warn you: if you step across that line I'm going to thump you."

Ahmedinejad responded by sticking out his tongue and going "Ner ner ne ner ner." Instead of taking a step forward he then took a step to the side.

Obama responded by saying, "You'd better watch out. The line might have moved. Anywhere you walk you could be crossing the line."

The upping of the playground ante comes after months of exchanges of taunts. Ahmedinejad has already said to Obama, "I'll get my dad to beat your dad up. And my dad's bigger than your dad."

Obama made the counterclaim, "Yeah, but my dad's got a bigger car and he'll come and smash into your dad's car."

Child psychologists say that Obama takes the role of a typical bully in the playground exchanges, while Ahmedinejad is the archetypal annoying kid who can't keep his mouth shut.

The taunts took a more sinister turn earlier this month when Ahmedinejad informed Obama that he had a knife at home, and that it was "a proper flick knife and everything. They're not even legal."

Obama responded with, "Yeah? Well I've got nunchucks at home and nunchucks can always beat a knife. I'm going to start bringing them into school."

None of the claims made in the highly ritualised playground taunts have yet been tested, though taunts between similar antagonists have led to violence in the past. Observers say that while Obama is undoubtedly the bigger of the two, he and playground bullies like him have a history of stupidity that often undermines their efforts to be 'king of the playground'.

At the time of writing no teachers could be found to intervene.

"We must hold our nerve," says Clegg. "Like Thelma and Louise," say voters.

2010-09-20T21:27:00.000Z

More from the Liberal Democrat conference when I can bear to read more about it. Probably never.

Cabinet Ministers show off new Fairtrade punkah-wallahs

2010-09-19T17:01:00.003Z

The good old days

Today in Parliament many members of the Cabinet, who are either millionaires or Liberal Democrats, were showing off the latest accessory for very rich people: Fairtrade punkah-wallahs, sourced ethically from Indian villages and dressed in traditional colonial-era clothing.

Punkah-wallahs are servants whose job it is to constantly fan their master by manually swinging a fan attached to the ceiling. They have largely fallen out of fashion since the decline of the British Empire, surviving only in the best parts of Mayfair. "Part of it was just that the weather in Britain so seldom required it," explains Cherie Noughten of Vogue. "But global warming is sorting that out for us. And then for a long time there wasn't enough excess wealth swilling around in the trough to restart the fashion. Now the country is led by very rich people again it's the perfect time for punkah-wallahs to be rehabilitated."

In order to throw off any lingering whiff of colonial exploitation, each punkah-wallah now comes with a Fairtrade mark guarantee. "They're all paid more than adequate wages – for India anyway," explained one cabinet minister. "So there's even enough for their families to eat too. And some percentage of the money goes to community projects." When asked what the community projects were he shrugged, "I'm damned if I know what a punkah-wallah does with excess cash. Hire a punkah-wallah maybe?"

Meanwhile other MPs are complaining that the punkah-wallahs are taking up too much space on the benches in Parliament. "Admittedly it's cooler in there now," said one on condition of anonymity, "But now we have to really squeeze up on the benches and I don't think everyone uses deodorant. I'd really rather smell my own sweat than Denis Macshane's."

But with its new 'ethical cool' image, a punkah-wallah is the new must-have accessory around town and fashion experts don't think it's about to go away. "You've got to remember," said one, "The previous fashion for punkah-wallahs lasted several hundred years, so who's to say how long one this will last?"

Pope sees error of his ways, winds up Catholic Church, distributes its wealth to the poor and becomes travelling salesman for Durex

2010-09-18T16:49:00.000Z

More soon.

Grave of the Macarena discovered

2010-09-16T18:21:00.009Z

FARC battle dance?

The Macarena, the one-time popular dance by Los Del Rio, has finally been discovered dead in La Macarena, a small town in Colombia, buried in a mass grave with 2000 other corpses. The dance, which is usually performed when so drunk that the event will not be remembered the next day, has fallen dramatically in popularity in recent years but its death is attributed to the 7th Mobile Brigade of the Colombian army who were in the area at the time. The army claimed that because of its name the Macarena had been appropriated as a battle dance by FARC guerillas based in the town, but denied killing 2000 other civilians in the hope of frightening the entire area into submission or appropriating the land belonging to the dead.

Juan Manuel Santos, former defence chief, now President of Colombia, called a press conference to announce that there were only 370 or so corpses in the grave at La Macarena anyway, and that definitely no corpses had been removed as the grave stood unguarded. "As for the missing dance," he went on to say, "The identity of the corpse of the Macarena is unconfirmed so it cannot be discussed." However controversy broke out when later in the day he was overheard to say of the Macarena, "But really, who will miss it? It was very uncivilised." Santos is known to harbour a deep hatred of tacky dance numbers and human rights activists.

Many have expressed relief at the death of the over-energetic dance but questioned the need for the military or their paramilitary allies to kill so many other people along with it at a time when Colombia was engaged in a 'peace process'. Tony Blair however put out a press statement expressing his admiration for Santos, who pays him as a consultant on foreign policy matters. "I'm sure if the dance or anyone else died it was for the greater good," he said in an interview. "Santos and I have a real connection you know? We have both helped bring greater security to the world, so I understand exactly where he's coming from. And you've got to admit that dance was annoying."

The Defendant versus the Pope on Newsbiscuit

2010-09-15T07:03:00.000Z

Once again Newsbiscuit have given me a top story slot, and added musical accompaniment!

Star Wars ‘Emperor’s Theme’ heard on the wind as Pope’s visit approaches

Some person you've sort of heard of caught taking bad stuff, say weary journos

2010-09-14T22:13:00.002Z

Bad stuff. Bad celebrity.

Journalists were once again forced to manufacture outrage today over some P-list celebrity who no one much liked anyway taking some drug that their readers either don't know anything about or do know about but quite like a bit of every now and then.

"It gets a bit wearing after a while," said Jeremy Thornton, a reporter with the Evening Sun. "So-and-so has been caught - or sometimes admitted to taking if they need a bit of extra publicity - X or Y drug, and this is very bad of them, and we all disapprove heartily and just think of the example it sets to the children. But really it all seems a bit pointless after the hundredth time you've done it, like having a wank just because Fiona Bruce is the newsreader that day. It's enough to make you take to drugs."

After decades of such stories being a staple of papers that think real news is too complicated for their readers, a malaise has taken hold across the whole of Fleet Street. A harassed editor who didn't wish to be named explained: "Journalists these days go to great lengths to pass the writing of these 'exposes' on to someone else - you know, going to the toilet just when you're looking for them, pretending to have Myxamitosis, whatever. I can't say I blame them - the stories are so formulaic you fall asleep writing them - but for god's sake that's what we pay them for."

Rumours suggest that last time a 'Half-famous-idiot-takes-evil-stuff' story came up at the Daily Express, most of the journalists pretended to be working on an important expose of the social attitudes of British troops in Afghanistan. "That Afghan story never appeared," admitted one of the journalists involved. "Or not in our paper. But really, who wants to write these stories? It's a complete nightmare when you're on a comedown I can tell you."

The outraged exposes nonetheless continue to appear in papers. "It's impressive when you think about it," said one commentator. "A real credit to the persistence of Fleet Street editors in rousing their journalists to give the old formula one more whirl before they all expire from exhaustion and self-loathing."

What to think about...a new runway at Heathrow

2010-09-13T21:07:00.001Z

Artist's impression of tunnel linking new runway to old

This is an educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and those guys are bright sparks, hell yeah.

A NEW RUNWAY AT HEATHROW

Airports are big modern things that help us be modern

We need to be modern so we can be rich

We need to be rich so we can build more airports

We are not rich enough right now because rich people can barely get into the country to share their riches with us because we have so few airports

If we build it, they will come

And now what not to think (incorrect mental processes to be corrected - be wary of them!):

Whoever is going to get richer from it, I bet it won't be me
But I still get the noise, the pollution, the dumb tourists and the global warming

Teachers begin planning school trips to Iraq in wake of US withdrawal

2010-09-12T19:38:00.001Z

Children set off to see the cultural riches of Iraq

Following the withdrawal of US combat troops from Iraq many are now asking whether it is time to start taking schoolchildren to Iraq. Renowned for its ancient history and unique ecosystems, Iraq has long been seen as prime destination for school trips. Some teachers have already begun planning to take their classes there.

"It was a bit tricky when Saddam was in power," explains Mr Hurst of Yarrow School, Brentwood. "You got followed around by secret police all the time. Then it was kind of risky for a while after the US invaded and some Iraqis weren't too happy about that, and sectarian groups waged a bit of a civil war against each other. Now it's all fine and dandy and I think its about time my kids got to learn about the place."

Mr Hurst admits that Iraq is not a destination for younger children. "It's a long way to go," he said. "The culture is quite different from ours, which can be disorientating, and of course it gets very hot in the desert."

Mrs Kenan of The Jemima Lyttleton School for Girls in Reading is also planning a trip to Iraq. "We're aiming for early winter this year," she said. "My girls can't wait to see the ruins of Babylon and the Mesopotamian Marshes. Some of them are learning Arabic and we're hoping to meet Iraqi girls we can do foreign exchanges with in the future."

Both teachers were enthusiastic about the poor availability of alcohol in Iraq following the Mahdi Army militia campaigns of recent years. "God knows we don't want a repeat of that trip to Kendal," said Mrs Kenan. "Gone are the days when girls are happy to stick with mint cake I can tell you. I'm not saying I agree with repeatedly beating anyone who sells alcohol with sticks, but if it means not spending a night in the hospital while Gemma Trotwood gets her stomach pumped I'm all for it."

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has issued a brief statement advising teachers: 'While Iraq is now a peaceful democracy, we recommend that teachers taking children there on school trips check our regularly updated travel advisory notices both before and during their journeys.'

Commemorating nine years since the triumph of political extremists in the US, also 9/11 attacks

2010-09-11T11:21:00.000Z

More later.

Me on Newsbiscuit!

2010-09-10T17:08:00.000Z

As some of you may know, I moonlight for the satirical website Newsbiscuit.com who are sometimes kind enough to publish things I write. Today I got the top slot on the front page with this story:

Impatient horde of Big Society volunteers still unsure what they should be doing

Man decides to only oppose wars with memorable bad guys

2010-09-09T22:23:00.001Z

The right Kadyrov?

David Lebworth, a committed liberal from Hammersmith, London, last night threw up his hands in disgust and declared that he was sick of opposing wars in countries where he could barely pronounce let alone remember the names of the bad guys. He will henceforth only oppose wars in countries like Uganda, where the bad guys have easy names. "'Joseph Kony' is fine, just fine," he said. "I mean he's not, he's an evil bastard, but I can pronounce him. So I'm against the Lord's Resistance Army."

Mr Lebworth, whose general anti-war sentiments remain unchanged, finally decided to become more selective about specific the wars he opposed upon reading that the leader of the Somali resistance group al-Shabab, properly known as Harakat al-Shabaab al-Mujahideen, is led by Sheikh Moktar Ali Zubeyr, also known as Ahmed Cabdi Godane. His immediate reaction upon reading this was to say "Oh for fucks sake!" and fling the paper on the floor of the pub where he was enjoying a quiet drink before bed.

"It just all got a bit much," he admitted the morning after reading the paper. "I'd only just got my head around which Kadyrov is which in the Chechen conflict - Ramzan is the authoritarian Russian-loving one in charge now by the way - and that was all fine, but suddenly this guy has two names, with three bits each, only some of which I know how to pronounce. Well, someone else will have to oppose the Somali war. I just can't do it any more."

Mr Lebworth's decision on which wars to oppose comes some weeks after he decided to only pursue women with job titles he understands.

Visitor from outer space eagerly awaiting outcome of Middle East peace talks

2010-09-08T20:10:00.001Z

Watch this space.

No. 10 forced to deny impending return to Dark Ages as Tory MPs re-fortify their castles

2010-09-07T07:13:00.003Z

Typical Tory MP's house, with fortifications in need of updating

The Prime Minister has denied that Britain is on the verge of returning to the Dark Ages after news leaked out that Tory MPs are re-fortifying their castles en masse. Most of the castles have not been properly fortified for between three and eight hundred years, but for modern fortifications contractors business is booming.

"They tell us they expect a return to the 'The old ways', as they call medieval times, any day now," one contractor explained on condition of anonymity. "They expect that the withdrawal of government services will create a new class of poor, or 'serfs' as they sometimes call them, and that it will be necessary to keep them at bay with fortifications and heavy weaponry."

The Prime Minister has had to defend his MPs not only against the charge of selfishly fortifying themselves while leaving middle class areas unprotected, but also against the charge that a return to the Dark Ages is in fact the desired outcome of the Tory policies. "There's a lot of nostalgia for Medieval times among the aristocracy and their hangers-on," explained a well-know commentator on stuff. "There is speculation that the government is using the deficit as an excuse to do what the Tories always want to do: cut spending, lower taxes on the rich, increase the gap between rich and poor, and reinstate feudalism."

Tory MPs have individually and collectively denied the charges levelled at them. "It's outrageous that people slander us so," spluttered Oswald Inkleby-Speringforth of Borrenshire when cornered on his estate after a rousing chase. "If I want to have the boiling-oil portals above my gate re-opened that's my business. These accusations get thrown around as though there's something wrong with adding a bit of bullet-proof plating to modernise the battlements. The only nostalgia I have is for when journalists used to show a bit of bloody respect. Now get off my land before I test out my new trebuchet on your head."

What to think about... the Iraq War

2010-09-05T23:45:00.009Z

Iraq

This is the first in an educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed stylee, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points.

Today I will be telling the world what to think about...

THE IRAQ WAR

Saddam Hussein was a bad man who killed Kurds
Democracy is good and dictatorship is bad
A lot of people died but they were mostly not our people
You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs
Iraq is now an omelette

And now, for those prone to errors, what not to think:

The US currently shares intelligence with Turkey which is used to kill Kurds in Iraq
Somebody made a lot of money out of the Iraq war but it wasn't me

Those IRA chickens gave us eggs, say disappointed anti-Blair protesters

2010-09-05T09:18:00.005Z

An all-too innocent egg

Disappointed anti-war protesters in Dublin have today lashed out at the IRA for failing to provide the correct weaponry for their attack on Tony Blair in a Dublin bookshop. "Those lily-livered IRA bastards, you can't trust them," one protester said. "We said to our contacts, we said GRENADES. Live ones. He deserves no less. And what did they give us? Eggs. Bloody eggs. What good are they? Are we meant to hope he'll die of salmonella poisoning?"

Several IRA members from Belfast are said to have persuaded the anti-war protesters that the eggs were in fact grenades that would explode on contact with evil. "We were expecting one almighty boom," admitted one of the plotters. "We were wearing ear plugs and everything. If you ask me the IRA have a soft spot for Blair after that peace process business. Either that or they really are chickens and so eggs are all they could give us." The interview ended when the activist began to make clucking sounds apparently directed at the IRA.

Afghan War latest: 'We're not really winning. But we're not all dead yet' says Barack 'Hope' Obama

2010-09-04T14:00:00.000Z

More soon.

Blair's memoirs 'coy' on success as Middle East Peace Envoy, say reviewers

2010-09-03T17:35:00.006Z

More soon

After years of suspicions, man finds the monster under his bed

2010-09-02T17:08:00.007Z

Since the age of twelve Mervin Thorpe of Beccles has suspected, often to the derision of friends and relatives, that a monster lurked beneath his bed. Now thirty-seven and having moved house several times since childhood, the fear has always remained with him. Yesterday his fears were finally realised: he found the monster beneath his bed.

"It's kind of humanoid," explains Mr Thorpe, "with sort of brown-coloured skin. It usually wears a veil, often half-covered by a hoodie, and lives like a gypsy. It has dreadlocks and likes to carry a koran, though I can't say I've ever seen it pray."

While no one doubts its existence, some have suggested that the creature is too small to be a real monster. "I admit I was taken aback by the size of it," said Mr Thorpe. "It is only one inch tall. I admit I was expecting something bigger. But that explains why it took so long to find despite having its own caravan, which, by the way, was filthy."

Mr Thorpe says he knew for sure it was the monster he had always feared when he found several tiny photographs of naked children in the monster's caravan. "That was it," he said, "Sure, the monster said they were just holiday snaps but I wasn't going to listen to its excuses. I caught it and put a collar round its dusky neck to make sure it could never be free again."

Mr Thorpe now keeps the monster and its caravan in a cage beside his bed. Channel 4 is planning to make a documentary about the two of them entitled "There really are monsters under the bed – how scared should we be?"

Government to outsource care of comatose NHS patients to Wackenhut Corporation

2010-08-31T21:28:00.004Z

In what has been hailed by consultants as a massive cost-saving measure, the care of comatose NHS patients, including those in a permanent vegetative state, is to be put out to tender to private companies. The government's current preferred bidder is the Wackenhut Corporation, which plans to keep comatose patients in prison cells.

A government spokesman confirmed that keeping patients in prisons would enable the NHS to save millions of pounds. “Our analysts say that what the Wackenhut Corporation does is a perfect fit for comatose patients,” explained a government spokesman. “Like prisoners, comatose patients don't move around much and don't need much space or big windows, and they also need a toilet close by. Wackenhut are offering to care for them at half the price of anyone else, and really, how can the patients possibly notice what kind of surroundings they are in? This will free up thousands of hospital beds and save the NHS money.”

Questions have been raised about the suitability of prison environments for visiting relatives but a spokesman for Wackenhut Corporation, which is changing its name to G4S Secure Solutions in the hope it will sound less violent, explained that the 'issue of ambience for the visitor' had already been addressed. “We've got prisoners making room decorations round the clock,” he explained. “Posters of ponies and rainbows and teddy bear mobiles and so on that we can use to decorate the cells, or 'Micro-Wards' as we are now calling them. These are exactly the kind of synergies we can offer that no one else can.”

The CEO of G4S Secure Solutions, as it will soon be known, gave a triumphant speech at the corporation's AGM a day after hearing that the corporation was the government's preferred bidder. “This is a forward-moving, out-of-the-box-thinking company of the future,” he said. “Who else would have realised that you could look after sick people so cheaply and get paid so much for it? Who else would have understood that a comatose prisoner – sorry, patient – would need no warders, and could be watched by the prison doctors we already employ? Who else would have realised that there was even more money to be made than we make from prisoners?” He later joked, “This is a license to print money, and we're bidding for that too next year.” The joke was greeted with a thunderous round of applause by shareholders.

Relatives of comatose patients expressed concern about the move but none of them could be printed due to the frequency and severity of expletives used. A government spokesman explained that their concerns had already been anticipated and addressed, though he declined to reveal how. Instead he presenting journalists with a graph of the efficiency savings to be made.

The comatose patients themselves were unavailable for comment.

Cameron carries blade, known as 'Slasher' Dave to friends

2010-08-29T17:36:00.006Z

It has emerged today that David Cameron is know to friends and close colleagues as 'Slasher' Dave. The nickname is said to have been given to him many years ago but has not until now been known to the public. "It's the knife he always carries around," explained one source. "It's about five inches long and thin as a bird's claw. He tends to just whip it out when he's a bit bored and start slashing at stuff. You know, tables, wallpaper, paintings, papers, whatever's around really."

Rumours that 'Slasher' Dave has sometimes turned his blade on people were firmly quashed by friends. "It's harmless fun," said one of them. "Just a habit he picked up at school or something. Sometimes it's a bit inappropriate I suppose. He once started slashing at the flag draped over a soldier's coffin but fortunately it was before the service started and we managed to find a new flag in time." According to another friend Cameron "is a pretty mean knife artist - for reasons best known to himself he's hiding his light under a bushel."

David Cameron has refused to comment on the allegation he wields a knife or that he sits at his desk sharpening it lovingly for half an hour every morning while sipping his first champagne of the day. "This sort of question crosses the privacy boundary," said a Number 10 spokesman. "The contents of Slash... sorry, the Prime Minister's pockets are entirely his own business." When asked whether it was true that the Prime Minister's office curtains have had to be replaced eight times since his arrival the spokesman said, "I'm afraid I can't tell you if that's true. Since we outsourced curtain maintenance that data is not available to us."

Journalists have attempted to speak to office cleaning contractors for Number 10 but no one was willing to talk on the record. "That's more than my job's worth," said one cleaner on condition of anonymity, making a cutting motion across his throat as he spoke. When asked what the gesture meant he declined to explain, but did say that Cameron is sometimes gripped by terrible rages. "He goes into autopilot," he said. "Like some kind of aristocratic robot, and then all he can do is destroy things."

Man develops 'skills-based points system' for entry to his family, pregnant wife's objections overruled

2010-08-28T17:32:00.003Z

More soon.

My boss is a shit too, say 10 million Brits facing another endless Friday

2010-08-26T22:14:00.010Z

More or less everyone in the country who has a boss has this morning agreed that their boss is a shit, and that pretty much every boss they have ever had is a shit.

"It's amazing," said Nancy Gingham from Orpington, "Every time I get a new boss he's worse than the last. Just when you think it's not possible, you get one who's even more of an egomaniacal fuckwitted shithead." She added, "If you look at my boss's boss, and the boss above him, and above him, well, my goodness, at that level you're into a realm of shitiness almost transcendent in its purity."

"There doesn't seem to be much you can do about it," said Thomas Jamieson, an ardent individualist from Coventry. "The worst human beings get promoted. They're stupid, they're incompetent, they're unsympathetic, and they're all shits. And you have to do what they say, for eight hours a day. That's the deal."

All ten million people with shit bosses were nonetheless on their way to work this morning.

Nation now confusing Big Brother and Afghan War, say weary pollsters

2010-08-24T17:11:00.006Z

War in Afghanistan

Big Brother

After 10 years of Big Brother and 9 years of war in Afghanistan, a confused nation has this week attempted to vote the Taliban out of Afghanistan for good. In what was supposed to be a simple opinion poll on the progress or lack of progress in the war against militant groups in Afghanistan, the public is said to have rung up the 'We are winning' phone number in their thousands and screamed down the phone that the Taliban should get the hell out.

"They really seemed to think their opinions would result in an eviction of the Taliban," said one phone operator, interviewed while drinking heavily in a pub after his shift. "The similarities between the war and Big Brother don't seem obvious at first, but after a few pints I realised they both provide vicarious drama to people with no actual involvement in them. And the Afghan War has been going on nearly as long as Big Brother, which itself has been going on for...." The phone operator's eyes glazed over and he picked up his pint to finish it in one gulp.

According to a press release by the polling company, "The war Britain has been fighting for almost a decade is in fact characterised, in terms of British public opinion, by an inability to distinguish it from popular reality shows. Two years ago when we did a poll on who the scariest terrorist in the world was, 20% of people rang in to say that Osama Bin Laden had a sexy voice and to ask when the single was coming out."

Neither the Big Brother production team nor Simon Cowell were available for interview, but Cowell was said to be 'receptive' to the idea of releasing a single by Osama Bin Laden.

Cat in bin causes more outrage than Iraq War

2010-08-24T17:10:00.002Z

More soon. Or not.

BP to help government cap Channel Tunnel in effort to keep out the bailiffs

2010-08-22T17:57:00.005Z

The UK government have asked BP to help them cap the Channel Tunnel in order to prevent a flood of bailiffs gathering at Sandgatte from coming through the tunnel to sieze the nation's assets. The country has been declared officially bankrupt after repeated insinuations by the Prime Minister that there is no money to spend on anything ever again.

The government is said to be 'relieved' that one British company at least is able to do something useful. "BP's new-found expertise makes them a world leader in stopping shit coming out of holes," explained a government economist. "No one can say we don't reward innovation - in this case with a £350 million contract."

The effort to cap the tunnel comes as multinational owners of Britain's national debt close in to grab what they can before the whole country sinks into decrepit alcoholism brought on by lack of hope. "We heard the bailiffs are gathering at Sandgatte," said a government spokesman. "We decided we wouldn't just let them walk all over us. What price dignity?"

This is a question also occupying the mind of Denise Wright, a disabled pensioner from Luton who has seen her disability benefits and pension cut within the last few months. "I should bloody well hope they don't let the bailiffs in," she said. "They're not getting my television I can tell you that much. My Mark will be round with his friends any minute now. No cartel of insurance companies and pension funds is going to push me around. Where did all my tax money go anyway? I worked all my life and here I am at seventy-one and all that stands between me and the bailiffs is a thousand tons of concrete - and not high quality concrete either if I know anything about British builders."

The government has stressed that the whole country is in this together. "We will fight them on the beaches if necessary," said David Cameron in the House of Commons. He was later heard to joke, "Yes, particularly if they want to do it on Mykonos. I believe my family has a house there."

Meanwhile the bailiffs are said to be weighing up the value of the scrap metal BP plans to throw into the tunnel. "We're thinking this might work out well for us," said one bailiff who did not wished to be named. "We're worried the country may not have any other assets left to seize anyway. The government's probably saving us a whole lot of trouble by just giving us the metal."

Daily Express envious of France's Roma population, wants mass expulsion policies too

2010-08-22T11:22:00.001Z

More soon.

Police call in Ghostbusters after fears of poltergeist violence

2010-08-19T17:18:00.005Z

Puppets for poltergeists?

After a spate of violent attacks on suspects or prisoners while in the vicinity of police officers and police cells, none of which can be attributed to any officer - according to the police involved, and the CPS, and the Association of Chief Police Officers - police forces across the country have begun to suspect poltergeist activity at work.

"In the end it was the only conclusion we could reach," said Superintendent Faithful of the Metropolitan Police. "Suspects sustained strange injuries while in our custody or nearby our officers. Certainly violence was done. In some cases people died. But this violence was not done by us. It's very upsetting when people suggest that. There are never any prosecutions because police officers just don't do that sort of thing, see? But injuries don't come from nowhere, so we think it might be ghosts. Well, we knew who to call to sort that out."

The Ghostbusters will be working for undisclosed sums in police stations and on police patrols up and down the country. "We don't want to reveal too much about our methods," Dr Peter Venkman of the Ghostbusters explained to journalists earlier today. "But after consorting with the spirit of my dead Uncle Mateus, who himself suffered mysterious violence in the vicinity of police officers, we think we've got some leads on this. We think a functioning video camera will be our main tool. The rest of it is all about getting the recording away from the area of poltergeist activity to a place of safety."

As yet no evidence of poltergeist activity has been forthcoming.

Blair's memoirs 'mostly about a repressed Catholic sex life' say early reviews

2010-08-18T19:53:00.000Z

More soon.

US Military 'Will not withdraw from Afghanistan before climax'

2010-08-16T20:48:00.003Z

Genesis 38:9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
Genesis 38:10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Cameron finds horrific picture of Tony Blair in No. 10 attic, calls in artist

2010-08-15T16:41:00.005Z

Cameron: wants to keep his beguiling looks

The Prime Minister David Cameron has reportedly found a painting in the attic of Number 10 Downing Street that portrays the state of Tony Blair's soul. "Even I was shocked," he confided to a close confidant. "He isn't even a man any more, not in that painting. There's nothing left of him but a bloody demonic maw gaping open to receive money and prizes. I mean, I knew being Prime Minister could leave people looking a bit ropey but this thing is utterly repulsive."

Sources say the horrified Prime Minister barely made it down the steep stairway from the attic before collapsing in his office and making himself a gin and tonic with very little tonic. Ten minutes later he ordered his assistant to contact the artist who painted the picture of Blair to ask the cost of sitting for a portrait himself. "Let's face it," one aide later said, "If you're going to take on an office that will utterly corrupt what wasn't a particularly pretty soul in the first place, it's best not to let people know it's happening to you. I mean, you'd all get the painting too, right?"

'He's physically aroused by public service cutbacks', Samantha Cameron reveals, too late

2010-08-15T16:38:00.000Z

More soon.

The Subtle Adventures of Dagobert Oliphant, Diplomat and International Statesman

2010-08-12T16:41:00.006Z

Upon ending a meeting one day in the UN, Oliphant accidentally wandered into a debating chamber as a vote on sanctions against Iran was about to take place. He stood there for a few minutes watching, then turned to a delegate from Paraguay next to him (Now unbeknownst to him, a microphone in front of the delegate was switched on and his words were about to be broadcast around the room, tinny but undeniable) and what he said was:

"Isn't it a little inconsistent that the US would get so concerned about the the 'nuclear threat' from Iran while supporting the nuclear-armed military dictatorship in Pakistan where there are far more genuine extremists who might at some point stage a coup and gain control of the weapons? One would almost think that both sides are simply ramping up the rhetoric to distract from domestic problems and that if they are genuinely prepared for war it is only because their domestic problems are utterly insoluble."

As he said these words and the microphone betrayed them to the room, an icy chill took hold among the gathered diplomats of all nations. Frost developed on Oliphant's beard (for Oliphant has a beard) and small icicles grew from the noses of the delegates. The stones beneath their feet grew colder and colder and finally crumbled to dust, the concrete beneath cracked, and the entire auditorium began to subside gently into the room below. Sparks flew across the room as electrical fittings broke apart and neon tubes exploded. The low rumble of disintegrating building material was almost drowned out by the screams of the delegates as they slid inexorably down into the billowing cloud of dust and chaos.

Oliphant, who was still stood near the door, backed judiciously away from what was now merely a crumbling edge of floor and, with a tactful cough, he left the room.

One in 5 Britons will be ethnic Daily Express readers by 2050

2010-08-10T20:16:00.005Z

A typical Daily Express reader

In a study that has struck fear into the hearts of thinking people everywhere, scientists at the Royal Society have proved that by 2050 the UK will be awash with floods of ethnic Daily Express readers.

The demographic time bomb in These Green And Pleasant Lands Of Ours (TM Daily Express) has taken analysts by surprise. "We thought education would help," explained Tom Bamber of the Institute for Everything. "We're not sure whether we've been proved wrong or whether this just goes to show that our education system is shite. Either way we're all pretty terrified. It seems we're about to be engulfed by a tidal wave of bigots who just won't stop breeding."

When asked what the government could do about the menace growing within, one scientist suggested that immigration might be the answer. "Since the Daily Express is so habitually offensive towards immigrants we figure that immigrants probably don't buy it very much, in the same way they don't line up to be slapped in the face and called 'boy'. So we're recommending as much immigration as possible."

In an attempt to soothe troubled waters, a government spokesman explained that as well as being a drain on the sanity of the nation, Daily Express readers also contribute to the economy. "We think they may be keeping the garden gnome industry afloat," he explained. "We couldn't do without them. And frankly, who else would have them?"

The Editor of the Daily Express was not available for comment. Fleet Street rumours claimed he was busy rolling around in a big pile of money laughing and shouting, "I can't believe we can get away with calling people 'ethnics'".

'Radical' coalition government shows true colours, raises hammer and sickle over No. 10

2010-08-09T21:20:00.003Z

More revolutionary news soon.

Foreign medics killed in Afghanistan ' A sacrifice to Huitzilopochtli' claims Cameron

2010-08-08T18:51:00.001Z

In a surprise move during a press conference about the deaths of the foreign medics in Afghanistan today, David Cameron donned an ancient Aztec mask and, speaking in a husky voice with a strange accent, explained that the deaths of the aid workers were 'a worthy offering to Huitzilopochtli', the Aztec god of the sun and war.

When asked if this meant he had orchestrated their deaths at the hands of the Taliban, he began to speak rapidly in Nahuatl, the language of the Aztecs, before stopping himself, resuming his usual toned-down Eton accent and saying, "No, of course I didn't. I've been far to busy here. But many hands do the work of Huitzilopochtli."

When challenged by one journalist on the appropriateness of adopting Aztec attire at a press conference, Cameron ordered two guards, also in traditional Aztec dress, to have her removed from the room. Her husband has been unable to contact her by phone and her fate is unknown, though the police are investigating bloodstains on the steps of Nelson's Column. The press conference ended with the raising of a flag bearing a radiant sun, and Cameron ordering the assembled journalists to chant 'All hail Huitzilopochtli, bringer of death' until he had left the room.

Pakistan to dub floods an 'Act of terror by Mother Nature' and refer to clouds as 'Nature's sleeper cells' in hopes of more US aid

2010-08-07T11:55:00.002Z

More soon.

Costing the government money to be made a crime by 2015

2010-08-05T18:12:00.006Z

As part of his crusade to reduce the burden on the taxpayer and lower the national debt David Cameron has today announced plans to make costing the government money a punishable crime within this parliament. "Just because people pay taxes, they think they can have taxes spent on them," he said. "It's just not on, and there's nothing like a policeman with a baton to make people realise that."

The planned bill will make it a crime to be young, old, sick, unemployed, pregnant or giving up smoking. "The harshest penalties will clearly be reserved for young unemployed mothers who are pregnant again and trying to stop smoking," explained the Prime Minister. "We'll probably maroon them on a small island without gas and air so they can really feel the pain of their mistakes. But really we've got to be harsh on all these people. I mean, Labour wanted to spend money on schools! It was a crazy, irresponsible idea."

When asked whether CEOs in the arms industry will also be criminalised the Prime Minister explained that they did not fall within the remit of the bill. "You've got to understand that there is such a thing as good government spending," he said. "There are all sorts of things we politicians need to spend money on. Like weapons. But spending on people is bad government spending, because they don't deserve it. If they did deserve it, why would they need help?"

The impact of the new law will be far-reaching. It is estimated that an extra 50,000 police officers will be needed nationally to enforce the law. Recruitment among people with thick necks has already begun. An extensive privatised prison-building program is also envisaged to cope with the increased number of criminals. "The building of the prisons alone will create thousands of insecure short-term jobs," explained the Prime Minister. "And the running of the prisons will create tens of thousands of permanent jobs for people with inadequate educations."

A leaked memo from the Treasury estimates that the number of jobs created if the proposal become reality will roughly equal the number of jobs being lost as a result of public sector cutbacks. "We wish the Treasury would stop leaking like a sieve," said a Conservative spokesman. "It's not reassuring in the place where we keep the money. But this just shows we really do understand how to fix Britain's economy without endangering jobs. Very soon we won't need a public sector at all apart from the prison system."

Americans not yet over their anger at mountains

2010-08-03T20:03:00.004Z

Incapacity benefits to be cut back to a suppurating scarred stump

2010-08-03T19:51:00.002Z

More soon. Or less.

Government sets targets for your further retardation as a human being

2010-08-01T12:53:00.012Z

In what they describe as 'a natural move forward' from the policies of the previous government and the one before that, the coalition government have for the first time set measurable targets for your further retardation as a meaningful person and rounded human being.

The policy is a continuation of the 'measurable outcomes' tendency within the public sector which aims to ape the private sector in providing goals that can be monitored as a measure of success. The government has ambitious plans to expand the idea to measure your personal level of retardation.

The Prime Minister's spokesman explains: "This announcement is a result of the realisation by the Prime Minister David Cameron that all the other goals and targets set by previous governments, while implying that everyone involved in the public sector was a great sucking void of principles without values or self-motivation, and while successfully becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy in many cases, stripping all idea of public service out of the public sector and infantilising everyone involved in creating what we at Coalition High Command laughingly call 'the public good', that all these previous goals and targets were in fact a very roundabout way of achieving our goal of making everyone as empty and morally retarded as ourselves."

The idea behind the policy is that it is always best to set the most direct target possible in pursuit of a given goal. "We think we've got it right this time," said the Prime Minister's spokesman. "The retardation of your development as a human being will now supersede all other government targets. And we're taking it out into the wider world. This will eventually apply to everyone. Your pub conversations need to be brought into line with this target just as much as your child's education or the work of a nurse or Local Authority administrator."

When pressed on the measurability of the target the spokesman explained that it will be monitored using a 'basket or small bucket of measures', all of which will have a weighted impact on your Personal Vacancy Scale (PVS). "Ideally we want people to, for example, see a complete moral equivalence between an unfair decision by the judges on Britain's Got Talent and the government starting a war in a country that doesn't threaten us in any way." He hastened to point out that this is only an indicator. "The target is, when asked what your target is, you would ideally say it is to fulfil your targets. It is, you might say, a meta-target, the target to end all targets."

In the first year the target will be to move all public sector workers up the Personal Vacancy Scale by four percentage points, with the target doubling in each subsequent year and applying to everyone in the country before the next election. When asked whether the new target might have an effect on staff morale, the spokesman explained that the new target would do away with morale entirely. "Morale is not a measurable outcome," he explained. "Nor is motivation, nor compassion, nor ideals. They simply don't register on your PVS, except possibly as negative marks. Do you see where we're going with this? We really are a radical government and we are fixing this country good and proper, like we promised when we were elected. With this new target you will soon stop asking questions like that as you progress towards being as devoid of ideals and substance as we are."

Man who hates veils 'for feminist reasons' thinks they look okay on belly dancers

2010-07-29T16:24:00.004Z

More soon.

Shittiness of Afghan War proves my 'more shittiness' policy right, says Obama

2010-07-27T22:28:00.000Z

More soon.

Clegg and Cameron hold Parliament and nation spellbound with Commons performance

2010-07-27T17:56:00.005Z

David Cameron and Nick Clegg today ripped off their clothes during Prime Minister's Question Time and fucked each other there and then in a desperate attempt to distract the country from a crippling deficit, tax cuts for corporations, tax increases on spending, and sweeping cuts in public expenditure rolling back decades of progress made in forcing the government to pay for things that the corporations they support have no interest in providing.

To loud cheers from both sides of the house the two party leaders began by fucking each other on the green carpet of the house, then went on to do it doggy style over their seats. In a surprise move that will continue to generate column inches for months to come, it was Clegg who took Cameron from behind. The expression of pleasure on Cameron's face as this took place prompted many calls of 'Hyah hyah' from the back benches. MPs awarded marks as they watched for Style, Passion, Stamina and Finishing.

The speaker was content to let the performance continue, though when Clegg picked up the mace and fetched Cameron a few whacks on the posterior he did cry “Steady on now!”. Some have pointed out that his tone conveyed enthusiasm for the sight rather than genuine disapproval.

The performance finished in a rousing fashion when Clegg withdrew from Cameron, turned him around and came in his face. The spectacle earned a standing ovation that lasted several minutes longer than that for any parliamentary speech of the last twenty years.

Meanwhile the BBC has revealed that the performance was the most watched and recorded Prime Minister's Questions ever. Viewing figures reportedly rose dramatically throughout the thirty minute pounding as friends texted and called each other to tune in. Several recordings of the event are already on youtube. The BBC is planning to initiate legal proceedings to protect future DVD sales.

Cameron was quoted afterwards as saying, “It was a good Question Time. I've been wanting people to see what me and Nick can really do ever since we got into power. And no one asked anything about the privatisation of the NHS.” The division after the session suggested that Clegg had got the best of the exchange but Cameron was also said to be 'content' with the outcome.

BP stops pretending to be green. CEO throws hands in the air and says 'Fuck it, there's not much point now is there?'

2010-07-27T17:52:00.001Z

More soon.

Celebrity couple wed in Darfur

2010-07-25T21:12:00.007Z

It has emerged today that professional elf Orlando Bloom and catwalk model Miranda Kerr were married in Darfur, Sudan, last week. "We are doing this as a symbol of our solidarity with those caught in conflict," said a press statement issued from the helicopter that took the glamorous couple to the village where the wedding took place. The couple also hoped that the strange wedding location would raise the profile of the currently sidelined war. "The Darfur conflict is still going on," said Bloom. "It just slipped out of the news because of oil spills, the World Cup and so on. I guess I wanted to put it back on the map." After a moment's pause he added "It's in Africa. Kind of a bit north and a bit east."

As a UN Goodwill Ambassador this is not the first time Orlando Bloom has made an effort for the poor and helpless of the world. But never before has he risked his life for a worthy cause. "We selected a village in the heart of the conflict zone for the wedding," he explains. "And yes, we did have a hundred armed guards hired through a British mercenary company, but that village has been attacked three times in the last six months and over a hundred of its two hundred residents killed, so we were pretty on edge I can tell you."

The couple did not announce the location of the wedding beforehand, partly out of fear of being targeted by local militants and partly because of an exclusive deal with Hello magazine that required them to keep the location secret to prevent other photographers finding the wedding. Pictures of the wedding will appear in the magazine next week. Hello insiders claim that the dusty, desert-like location, the poverty of the villagers and the sheer number of weapons on display at the ceremony make the photoshoot "Our darkest work to date."

Government to introduce new office for monitoring bureaucracy

2010-07-24T09:29:00.004Z

The Prime Minister has unveiled plans for a new government office to fight bureaucracy. It's targets will involve monitoring the targets and monitoring of other government departments. The new anti-bureaucracy body is likely to be named BureauBureau, pending a decision by the committee responsible. It will be staffed by five hundred civil servants.