Government to outsource care of comatose NHS patients to Wackenhut Corporation

In what has been hailed by consultants as a massive cost-saving measure, the care of comatose NHS patients, including those in a permanent vegetative state, is to be put out to tender to private companies. The government's current preferred bidder is the Wackenhut Corporation, which plans to keep comatose patients in prison cells.

A government spokesman confirmed that keeping patients in prisons would enable the NHS to save millions of pounds. “Our analysts say that what the Wackenhut Corporation does is a perfect fit for comatose patients,” explained a government spokesman. “Like prisoners, comatose patients don't move around much and don't need much space or big windows, and they also need a toilet close by. Wackenhut are offering to care for them at half the price of anyone else, and really, how can the patients possibly notice what kind of surroundings they are in? This will free up thousands of hospital beds and save the NHS money.”

Questions have been raised about the suitability of prison environments for visiting relatives but a spokesman for Wackenhut Corporation, which is changing its name to G4S Secure Solutions in the hope it will sound less violent, explained that the 'issue of ambience for the visitor' had already been addressed. “We've got prisoners making room decorations round the clock,” he explained. “Posters of ponies and rainbows and teddy bear mobiles and so on that we can use to decorate the cells, or 'Micro-Wards' as we are now calling them. These are exactly the kind of synergies we can offer that no one else can.”

The CEO of G4S Secure Solutions, as it will soon be known, gave a triumphant speech at the corporation's AGM a day after hearing that the corporation was the government's preferred bidder. “This is a forward-moving, out-of-the-box-thinking company of the future,” he said. “Who else would have realised that you could look after sick people so cheaply and get paid so much for it? Who else would have understood that a comatose prisoner – sorry, patient – would need no warders, and could be watched by the prison doctors we already employ? Who else would have realised that there was even more money to be made than we make from prisoners?” He later joked, “This is a license to print money, and we're bidding for that too next year.” The joke was greeted with a thunderous round of applause by shareholders.

Relatives of comatose patients expressed concern about the move but none of them could be printed due to the frequency and severity of expletives used. A government spokesman explained that their concerns had already been anticipated and addressed, though he declined to reveal how. Instead he presenting journalists with a graph of the efficiency savings to be made.

The comatose patients themselves were unavailable for comment.

Cameron carries blade, known as 'Slasher' Dave to friends

It has emerged today that David Cameron is know to friends and close colleagues as 'Slasher' Dave. The nickname is said to have been given to him many years ago but has not until now been known to the public. "It's the knife he always carries around," explained one source. "It's about five inches long and thin as a bird's claw. He tends to just whip it out when he's a bit bored and start slashing at stuff. You know, tables, wallpaper, paintings, papers, whatever's around really."

Rumours that 'Slasher' Dave has sometimes turned his blade on people were firmly quashed by friends. "It's harmless fun," said one of them. "Just a habit he picked up at school or something. Sometimes it's a bit inappropriate I suppose. He once started slashing at the flag draped over a soldier's coffin but fortunately it was before the service started and we managed to find a new flag in time." According to another friend Cameron "is a pretty mean knife artist - for reasons best known to himself he's hiding his light under a bushel."

David Cameron has refused to comment on the allegation he wields a knife or that he sits at his desk sharpening it lovingly for half an hour every morning while sipping his first champagne of the day. "This sort of question crosses the privacy boundary," said a Number 10 spokesman. "The contents of Slash... sorry, the Prime Minister's pockets are entirely his own business." When asked whether it was true that the Prime Minister's office curtains have had to be replaced eight times since his arrival the spokesman said, "I'm afraid I can't tell you if that's true. Since we outsourced curtain maintenance that data is not available to us."

Journalists have attempted to speak to office cleaning contractors for Number 10 but no one was willing to talk on the record. "That's more than my job's worth," said one cleaner on condition of anonymity, making a cutting motion across his throat as he spoke. When asked what the gesture meant he declined to explain, but did say that Cameron is sometimes gripped by terrible rages. "He goes into autopilot," he said. "Like some kind of aristocratic robot, and then all he can do is destroy things."

Man develops 'skills-based points system' for entry to his family, pregnant wife's objections overruled

More soon.

My boss is a shit too, say 10 million Brits facing another endless Friday

More or less everyone in the country who has a boss has this morning agreed that their boss is a shit, and that pretty much every boss they have ever had is a shit.

"It's amazing," said Nancy Gingham from Orpington, "Every time I get a new boss he's worse than the last. Just when you think it's not possible, you get one who's even more of an egomaniacal fuckwitted shithead." She added, "If you look at my boss's boss, and the boss above him, and above him, well, my goodness, at that level you're into a realm of shitiness almost transcendent in its purity."

"There doesn't seem to be much you can do about it," said Thomas Jamieson, an ardent individualist from Coventry. "The worst human beings get promoted. They're stupid, they're incompetent, they're unsympathetic, and they're all shits. And you have to do what they say, for eight hours a day. That's the deal."

All ten million people with shit bosses were nonetheless on their way to work this morning.

Nation now confusing Big Brother and Afghan War, say weary pollsters

War in Afghanistan

Big Brother

After 10 years of Big Brother and 9 years of war in Afghanistan, a confused nation has this week attempted to vote the Taliban out of Afghanistan for good. In what was supposed to be a simple opinion poll on the progress or lack of progress in the war against militant groups in Afghanistan, the public is said to have rung up the 'We are winning' phone number in their thousands and screamed down the phone that the Taliban should get the hell out.

"They really seemed to think their opinions would result in an eviction of the Taliban," said one phone operator, interviewed while drinking heavily in a pub after his shift. "The similarities between the war and Big Brother don't seem obvious at first, but after a few pints I realised they both provide vicarious drama to people with no actual involvement in them. And the Afghan War has been going on nearly as long as Big Brother, which itself has been going on for...." The phone operator's eyes glazed over and he picked up his pint to finish it in one gulp.

According to a press release by the polling company, "The war Britain has been fighting for almost a decade is in fact characterised, in terms of British public opinion, by an inability to distinguish it from popular reality shows. Two years ago when we did a poll on who the scariest terrorist in the world was, 20% of people rang in to say that Osama Bin Laden had a sexy voice and to ask when the single was coming out."

Neither the Big Brother production team nor Simon Cowell were available for interview, but Cowell was said to be 'receptive' to the idea of releasing a single by Osama Bin Laden.

Cat in bin causes more outrage than Iraq War

More soon. Or not.

BP to help government cap Channel Tunnel in effort to keep out the bailiffs

The UK government have asked BP to help them cap the Channel Tunnel in order to prevent a flood of bailiffs gathering at Sandgatte from coming through the tunnel to sieze the nation's assets. The country has been declared officially bankrupt after repeated insinuations by the Prime Minister that there is no money to spend on anything ever again.

The government is said to be 'relieved' that one British company at least is able to do something useful. "BP's new-found expertise makes them a world leader in stopping shit coming out of holes," explained a government economist. "No one can say we don't reward innovation - in this case with a £350 million contract."

The effort to cap the tunnel comes as multinational owners of Britain's national debt close in to grab what they can before the whole country sinks into decrepit alcoholism brought on by lack of hope. "We heard the bailiffs are gathering at Sandgatte," said a government spokesman. "We decided we wouldn't just let them walk all over us. What price dignity?"

This is a question also occupying the mind of Denise Wright, a disabled pensioner from Luton who has seen her disability benefits and pension cut within the last few months. "I should bloody well hope they don't let the bailiffs in," she said. "They're not getting my television I can tell you that much. My Mark will be round with his friends any minute now. No cartel of insurance companies and pension funds is going to push me around. Where did all my tax money go anyway? I worked all my life and here I am at seventy-one and all that stands between me and the bailiffs is a thousand tons of concrete - and not high quality concrete either if I know anything about British builders."

The government has stressed that the whole country is in this together. "We will fight them on the beaches if necessary," said David Cameron in the House of Commons. He was later heard to joke, "Yes, particularly if they want to do it on Mykonos. I believe my family has a house there."

Meanwhile the bailiffs are said to be weighing up the value of the scrap metal BP plans to throw into the tunnel. "We're thinking this might work out well for us," said one bailiff who did not wished to be named. "We're worried the country may not have any other assets left to seize anyway. The government's probably saving us a whole lot of trouble by just giving us the metal."