A festive apology

The Defendant would like to apologise for the interruption to your favourite satirical news service over the Christmas and New Year period. Politics stops during the festive season anyway, except in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan where they don't have Christmas because they are a bunch of savages. The delivery of bombs continues of course but Santa refuses to take them on his sleigh, preferring to remain neutral. Santa refutes all accusations that he is a coward, claiming instead to be Swiss.

Government plans to outsource Afghan War falter for lack of 'serious' bidders

Government plans to privatise the War in Afghanistan have got off to an inauspicious start, suffering from a lack of bidders the government regards as 'serious'. Only two bids have so far been submitted, one from the English Defence League, who the government characterised as 'Lacking both the manpower and the strategic planning capability.'

"Sure, we've had interest from some of the big corporations," said a government insider. "Halliburton were sniffing around for a bit, as you'd expect - I think they're drawn to the smell of blood. Serco looked into it too. Do you know what Serco does except sponge off fat government contracts? Me neither."

But the big corporations all withdrew their bids after discovering that the contract would be paid on results and that there was only one measurable output: Victory. "It was the black and white nature of it we couldn't make sense of," said a Halliburton source. "We could have dealt with being paid on a sliding scale according to degrees of victory - so you'd still be paid for a certain value of victory, like in the Iraq War - but in this case the 'output achieved' column just had two options: yes/no. We ran a mile."

The only other bid was from the Basingstoke Women's Institute. "We think they mistook it for knitting contract," said a civil servant. But the head of the Basingstoke WI, run to ground by journalists watering the geraniums in her back garden, said that the bid was not a mistake. "We decided that we couldn't fuck it up any more than the government, so why not? Yes, we swear now as well as strip for calendars - welcome to the 21st Century fuckwads. Now give us the war and we'll sort it out for you."

Governments sources admit that if the Basingstoke WI bid was serious they were likely to get 'preferred bidder' status. "I'd back them against the EDL any day of the week," said one civil servant. "Question is, should we back them against the Taliban? God knows we've tried everything else."

Scouts, Guides, Cubs, Brownies finally rise up to save Empire

One of many scouting rallies taking back the streets from yobs and wastrels

In fulfilment of the hopes and dreams of their founder, Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell, the Scouts, Guides and their affiliated groups have this week finally risen to the challenges of the era and taken on their rightful roles as saviours of the British Empire.

Baden-Powell's youth paramilitary organisations have until recently been known more for their skills at lighting fires, camping and smoking behind Akela's back than for an aggressive stance towards lesser peoples, but Baden-Powell, whose aim was to train the young to lead the Empire to ever greater heights, would surely be proud of them if he could see them now.

Scouts and Guides entered parliament a few days ago and threw out the 'lily-livered' Tory-Liberal coalition. They have since installed an aristocratic/scouting/military junta led by the Duke of Edinburgh. "I'm thrilled we can finally have a go at those savages," said the Duke as he prepared to lead his youthful new troops in a victory lap of central London. "They've had it coming for a while I can tell you. Better late than never, what?"

A spokesboy for the Scouts confirmed that "The time for political correctness is over. The time to thrash the brown-skinned johnnies until they beg for mercy is here." He then raised the Union Jack, saluted the flag and forced the assembled journalists to pledge allegiance to the Queen. The Queen has expressed 'delight' at the surprise turn of events, and looks forward to taking on the title of 'Empress' more usually associated with her ancestor Victoria. She is also said to be privately convinced that war abroad will do more to benefit the flagging British economy than any number of public sector cutbacks.

The army, all of whose senior commanders have now been replaced by competent Scout Sixers, is already preparing to re-enter many of the African colonies. Plans are also afoot to take back India, the jewel in the imperial crown, but such a labour-intensive undertaking takes preparation, says Girl Guide, Teresa Thompson. "We plan an aggressive recruitment drive, mostly on council estates. We'll whip the hoodies and chavs into shape and make them a prime colonial expeditionary force in no time using Baden-Powell's time-honoured principles as laid out in Scouting For Boys: clean living, knot-tying, tracking wild animals and curtailing your masturbatory activities. Really, he wrote about the evils of masturbation in Scouting For Boys. Little-known fact."

When asked how they intended to deal with the war in Afghanistan a spokesman for the new Scouting Junta said, "We'll get the blinking blazes out of there I should say, and pretty damn sharpish. Haven't you lot read any colonial history? If not, we'll be introducing a new 'History of the Empire' badge next week. It will be compulsory - this is an Empire, not a democracy. Now, when did you last polish your shoes, and where the hell is your woggle?"

Afghan War latest: 'We're not really winning. But we're not all dead yet' says Barack 'Hope' Obama

More soon.

Nation now confusing Big Brother and Afghan War, say weary pollsters

War in Afghanistan

Big Brother

After 10 years of Big Brother and 9 years of war in Afghanistan, a confused nation has this week attempted to vote the Taliban out of Afghanistan for good. In what was supposed to be a simple opinion poll on the progress or lack of progress in the war against militant groups in Afghanistan, the public is said to have rung up the 'We are winning' phone number in their thousands and screamed down the phone that the Taliban should get the hell out.

"They really seemed to think their opinions would result in an eviction of the Taliban," said one phone operator, interviewed while drinking heavily in a pub after his shift. "The similarities between the war and Big Brother don't seem obvious at first, but after a few pints I realised they both provide vicarious drama to people with no actual involvement in them. And the Afghan War has been going on nearly as long as Big Brother, which itself has been going on for...." The phone operator's eyes glazed over and he picked up his pint to finish it in one gulp.

According to a press release by the polling company, "The war Britain has been fighting for almost a decade is in fact characterised, in terms of British public opinion, by an inability to distinguish it from popular reality shows. Two years ago when we did a poll on who the scariest terrorist in the world was, 20% of people rang in to say that Osama Bin Laden had a sexy voice and to ask when the single was coming out."

Neither the Big Brother production team nor Simon Cowell were available for interview, but Cowell was said to be 'receptive' to the idea of releasing a single by Osama Bin Laden.

US Military 'Will not withdraw from Afghanistan before climax'

Genesis 38:9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
Genesis 38:10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Foreign medics killed in Afghanistan ' A sacrifice to Huitzilopochtli' claims Cameron

In a surprise move during a press conference about the deaths of the foreign medics in Afghanistan today, David Cameron donned an ancient Aztec mask and, speaking in a husky voice with a strange accent, explained that the deaths of the aid workers were 'a worthy offering to Huitzilopochtli', the Aztec god of the sun and war.

When asked if this meant he had orchestrated their deaths at the hands of the Taliban, he began to speak rapidly in Nahuatl, the language of the Aztecs, before stopping himself, resuming his usual toned-down Eton accent and saying, "No, of course I didn't. I've been far to busy here. But many hands do the work of Huitzilopochtli."

When challenged by one journalist on the appropriateness of adopting Aztec attire at a press conference, Cameron ordered two guards, also in traditional Aztec dress, to have her removed from the room. Her husband has been unable to contact her by phone and her fate is unknown, though the police are investigating bloodstains on the steps of Nelson's Column. The press conference ended with the raising of a flag bearing a radiant sun, and Cameron ordering the assembled journalists to chant 'All hail Huitzilopochtli, bringer of death' until he had left the room.

Americans not yet over their anger at mountains

Shittiness of Afghan War proves my 'more shittiness' policy right, says Obama

More soon.

David Cameron to send daughter Nancy to Afghanistan

The Prime Minister of Great Britain, David Cameron, is to send his six year old daughter to Afghanistan this summer in an attempt to revive the allies' flagging efforts to wrest control of the country from the Taliban and other armed groups. "It will be fine," said Mr Cameron, when questioned about his daughter's safety, "She goes to a state school anyway. If I was prepared to do that did you really think I'd draw the line at Afghanistan?"

Cameron's wife Samantha, of aristocratic stock, is said to be ecstatic about the news. "It runs in the family," she said. "My great great great grandfather fought in the First Anglo-Afghan War." She refused to be drawn on the manner of her great great great grandfather's death. "We must be patriotic in war," she said. "And my daughter is showing the rest of the country the way."

The Cameron family neither confirmed nor denied rumours that their daughter is receiving private tuition in the recognition and extraction of precious metals. "That's a private family matter," said the Prime Minister's spokesman. "Though there are some things the daughter of a very rich family should know that are not taught in state schools."

British soldiers are said to have offered Nancy Cameron their flak jacket for the duration of her stay in Afghanistan. "We don't really use it," they explained. "It got boring drawing lots for it every day so now it just sort of hangs there in the tent. Lets face it if Johnny Taliban is going to get you that day he's going to get you."

The Prime Minister praised the selflessness of the soldiers, promising them they would be home soon. "You can come home just as soon as Nancy does," he said. "And she's coming home just as soon as she's defeated the Taliban and found some of that lithium they've got lying about. That's a Conservative promise, and we keep our promises."