Former anti-poverty campaigner repents of 'Politics of Envy'

It's what you've always wanted, even though you've never dreamt of it

Three months ago Janine Stonleigh was a committed political campaigner, having spent most of her adult life fighting for better services and greater support for poorer members of society. Today she hangs her head in shame at the role she was playing in the world. "I was deluding myself," she explains. "I thought that I was promoting a world in which resources are shared so that we all have a good quality of life. Now I realise that was just an unwitting pawn of the Politics of Envy."

Three months ago Janine Stoneleigh gave up campaiging for good. "I gave up the 'save our library campaign'," she says proudly, "I gave up the 'Keep granny warm' campaign to raise the winter fuel allowance. I gave up the 'Cook a meal for a single-parent-family' scheme I was participating in and promoting to give poorer kids a good start in life. I gave up the 'Free electric wheelchairs to free the disabled' campaign. I gave it all up."

 Janine finally saw the error of her ways when asked to take on one campaign too many. "Up until this point I was convinced I was just trying to help people," she explains. "I was sure that everyone would win from a more equal society. I even had the statistics to back it up. But what brought the whole house of cards down was someone asking me to help campaign for a 2% rise on the top two tax bands and an increase in capital gains tax above £500,000."

She suddenly saw all her 'anti-poverty' campaigns for what they were - a demand for handouts from the rich. "And I saw that it was just because we were all jealous. We wanted to be just like them. Oh I'd never actually thought it before, and no one I know from the old campaigns admits to it, but it's obvious isn't it? It's the Politics of Envy."

But it was worse than just wanting what the rich had. "I realised that if I carried on the way I was, we'd all end up bringing everyone down to the lowest level. Can you imagine it? We'd have city bankers living in council estates in Charlton. Yes, that's what would happen if we increased taxes on them. It's just not right. I can't believe I ever wanted that."

Within days of her Damascene conversion Janine had given up all her groups - all except the 'Save our local park' campaign that is. "It won't cost anything," she says. "It's already there. So that's fine. It's just anything that costs anything I can't get involved in. It's outrageous really, thinking that the we can 'set right' what the free market has decreed - just an excuse to try and get what we don't deserve. Yes, we all want our own castle but most of us don't want to work for it."

Without her campaigning Janine now has time to focus more on her job. "I'm actually working my way up the career ladder," she said. "My salary is already 10% higher than it was. It's not that I need more, but now I'm ambitious. I look at all those people above me earning more than me and I think 'I want that too'.

It seems that giving up the Politics of Envy has its benefits.

CEO 'totally deserves' 50% pay rise, says wife

The desk, sometime altar

Philip Black, CEO of a top retail consortium, has earned a 50% pay rise this year,  following ten years of similar annual pay rises, bringing his salary to £715,000, or £6.5 million including bonuses.

Other CEOs have praised his accomplishment, saying that Mr Black is one of the 'hardest working CEOs around', and his wife has said that he 'totally deserves it - he works like a navvy, poor thing'.

Philip Black first hit the 50% annual increase mark in 2000, as a reward for increasing the value of his company's shares by outsourcing half of the company's operations to India, where the salaries are a tenth of what they are in Europe.

The following year he received a 47% increase in his salary. While the increase in the value of shares was somewhat smaller than the previous year, the pay award came in recognition of his dedication to the job, as demonstrated by his availability to directors and clients at all hours of the day and night. "A middle manager is available only twelve hours a day," explained the renumeration committee, "So it is only fair that Mr Black, who is available 24 hours, be paid twenty times what they are paid."

In 2002 the company experienced a drop in share value but this was attributed to poor market conditions and Philip Black received a 49% pay rise as reward for moving his bed into his office so that he need not go home every night. This demonstrated a commitment unmatched except in the IT department, where top techies also habitually sleep in the office in order to increase their productivity and earn their £40,000 a year.

In 2003 Philip Black did 50% more work than in any previous year and forty times as much work as a low level manager in the company, or thirty times as many hours as one of his security guards. He was rewarded accordingly.

2004 was a dark year for Philip Black. His pay rise was only 31%, a mere 27 points above inflation. "Christmas that year was hard," he says, remembering the bad times. "I could barely look my wife in the eyes." But his wife stood by him. "Actually it was sweet," she said. "He was moping round the house like a lost puppy."

But 2005 turned things around for Mr Black, with a 54% pay rise. "There was no particular reason for that one," admitted a member of the renumeration committee. "Except that other CEOs were getting that too. In fact just to be safe we put it at 5% above what other CEOs were getting. I heard a lot of other companies were doing the same."

In 2006 Philip Black did not increase his personal productivity but the share price rose dramatically due to favourable market conditions. He received a 51% pay rise in recognition.

2007 was the year Philip Black became seriously dedicated to the job. "I remember thinking I'd better start justifying these pay rises," said Mr Black. "And since I was already working 18 hours a day and effectively on call for the rest of it, I began investigating the possibility of a time machine to make more hours in the day." But the time machine didn't work and Mr Black resorted to fitting a colostomy bag to himself so that he no longer needed to take toilet breaks. Everyone agreed that his 54% pay increase that year was richly deserved.

In 2008 Mr Black recognised that, while he had sacrificed his family life for his job, this was also true of many of his employees on £30,000 a year, many of whom he had asked to take a pay cut that year to help the company through the recession. It seemed he had to go further - fifty times further with bonuses taken into account - in order to justify his salary. Being unable to go any further by normal means, he hit on the idea of sacrificing not just his family life but his family. He killed his children on a makeshift altar in his office, burnt them and threw their charred corpses from a helicopter into the sea. "I still only got 49% that year though," he muses. "Funny how things work out isn't it?"

In 2009 Mr Black persuaded the company to provide a Lear jet for his private use. This shaved hours off his travelling time and earned him a 47% pay rise, taking his salary to 80 times that of an average employee in his company. "No one else showed such dedication in getting their travelling time down," said a friend. "The pay rise was inevitable really. It helped that they were worried he'd leave for another company of course. Because almost certainly no worthy replacement could have been found for a mere £530,000 a year plus a cap of £4 million on bonuses."

The 2010 pay rise of 51% is more of a puzzle, even to his wife. "It's true that last year he was doing 80 times as much as his average employee last year and 130 times as much as a toilet cleaner," she said, "but with the unemployment rate rising they all started working harder in fear of losing their jobs, so they kept pace with the him this year - for once." The surprise 51% pay rise was gratefully received by Mr Black. He awarded a 3% pay rise to most of his employees, 1% below inflation, and gave a rousing speech at the company annual conference exhorting his workers to 'give that little bit extra' to get the company through to the end of the recession.

Mr Black's pay rise for 2011 is as yet undecided. The renumeration committee is said to be considering a rise of around 50%, on the basis that 'he will almost definitely deserve it'.


For more on CEOs, see yesterday's link: aboutlordbrowne.com 

Reports reach the Council of Elrond that Cameron has the One Ring

Today news was brought to the Council of Elrond in Rivendell by Gloin of the Dwarves that David Cameron, Conservative Leader and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is now in possession of the One Ring, and that the Ringwraiths have been seen abroad once more in the areas South and North of the River Thames.

The One Ring was forged by Thatcher in the fires of Mount Mordor and habitually perverts the minds and hearts of those who own it, weighing heavily even upon its wearer and turning those who lust after power into monsters. Thus, upon hearing the news, Gandalf, a wizard of no fixed abode, dropped his head upon the council table in despair. "Alas! It as I feared!" he groaned. "All is lost!"

"We of the elves are also not surprised by this news," said Elrond, the initiator of the council. "We knew that Cameron had some dark power to take so much away from so many people and yet go unopposed."

"And yet live!" roared Gimli, another dwarf present at the council. "My axe is sharp and my will is strong. I'll bring you his head in bag before the week is out!"

Then spoke Aragorn son of Arathorn, with a deep note of sadness in his voice. "No my brave friend," he said. "It will not be so easy. He is well-guarded behind anti-terrorist police gunmen."

"And alas," said Boromir, a human present at the council. "Our list of allies grows ever shorter. I bring news that Labour, though still claiming to oppose the Tories, have been playing us false. They too stand with Cameron and his Ringwraiths, those bankers so perverted by the dark powers of the Ring that they are no longer human. Their project to steal everything from everybody in the world draws closer to its conclusion."

"There is no hope so long as Cameron keeps his finger in Thatcher's Ring," said Gandalf, and he leaned heavily upon his staff and shook his head.

"Then we must take it and destroy it!" cried Legolas, a Silvan elf of the Woodland realm, whose distinctly unelf-like character often passes unnoticed among fans. "Let us set forth right now!"

"And yet who could bear such a burden?" said Elrond. "Not you Legolas. Not me. Not Gandalf. Once it were in our possession we would all be sullied by Thatcher's Ring and the lust for power that comes with it."

It seemed at this moment that all hope was lost, but there were also at the Council of Elrond a pair of hobbits, small and humble creatures with hairy feet. One of these, Frodo by name, a meek but courageous creature, stood up and said, "I will take the Ring from Cameron."

A great silence settled upon the circle, and those gathered there bowed their heads in acknowledgement of the sacrifice. Then said Aragorn son of Arathorn, "Here, take my flak jacket. It's the least I can do."

And Elrond spoke to the other hobbit, one Samwise Gamgee, and said, "You take my Blackberry Sam. You'll need to stay connected."

And Gimli passed Frodo his helmet and said, "I suggest you wear this. It's too big for you so it will cover your eyes and your ears - that way you won't know what hideous things the papers and tv are saying about you."

"And take this," said Boromir. "A sudoku book to lighten the long hours in the police cells."

And so the hobbits took their gifts, with fear and trepidation in their hearts but no lack of courage, and set forth upon their quest.

DHL wins contract to transport new graduates to jobs

A graduate-sized box, wrapped as a giant gift to the employer

The government has announced today that DHL has won the lucrative contract to deliver graduates, newly qualified and boxed, to their employers. Insiders say that the German company beat off stiff competition from Fedex, TNT and Parcelforce because at similar prices to the other bidders they also offered to install conveyor belts from the platforms of graduation halls across the country out to temporary loading bays. The new graduates will walk up to the platform to receive their qualification, which in most cases will be a facsimile, and then step straight onto the conveyor belt to be dropped into an appropriately size box, which will have airholes and a small stock of liquids and snacks for the journey.

This process, which DHL describes as 'the most efficient delivery of graduates to jobs anywhere in the world', is part of a wider government plan to allocate graduates to wherever they will be most economically active and offer best value for money. The government says that their reduction in corporation tax over the next few years will also represent an increase in value for money, since employers will get 'well-packaged industry-oriented graduates at a lower cost to themselves.'

However Serco, the company tasked with allocating students to their new roles, has admitted to some difficulties in placing certain students. "Obviously the scientists and lawyers and so on can go straight to their designated roles in industry," explained a spokesman. "Social science students will mostly be placed in HR or marketing roles. The arts students we struggled with for a while but then we discovered this whole sector called 'the creative industries' so we're pretty sure we can offload them."

But it is with philosophy students that Serco has had the most trouble. Eventually they located a small, somewhat barren island off the coast of Scotland in need of labourers to till the rocky, unyielding soil. "It's very isolated there and there's not much to do besides philosophise," explained Serco. "So what with philosophy graduates being otherwise economically inactive we figured it was a good match." One philosophy student, asked to comment on the plan, cryptically referred to it as a 'valid metaphor'.

Meanwhile DHL say that they have been working on streamlining the delivery processes even more since submitting their bid. "We asked some economics students to help us, and it turns out that if you don't put airholes in the boxes, and you don't give the package - sorry, person - any food or drink, you can actually save a lot of money. It does mean that about one in every six hundred dies of asphyxiation, and about one in every two thousand dies of thirst, but even factoring in the revenue losses it still works out cheaper for us."

However in an ironic twist it will only be economics graduates transported in this low-cost manner. "We discovered that it breaches human rights or something," said a DHL spokesman, "But then we looked into it further and realised that human rights don't cover economists. Since the triumph of the Chicago School within the discipline it turns out they aren't human any more - they have all been transmogrified into robotic drones for a fundamentalist ideology. So that will save us some money."

DHL has also won the contract to find new homes for lecturers and professors who are likely to undermine ratings in the new 'Research Excellence Framework'. Again they have had trouble finding somewhere to transport those with an inability to adjust to the new culture of 'excellence' and 'value' within universities. Eventually a home was found for them in Timbuktu, Mali. "We know it sounds like the punchline to a cheap joke," said a spokesman. "But it turns out Timbuktu had this ancient and - dare I say it - old-fashioned university, where knowledge and learning were valued as good things in themselves. We thought they'd feel at home there." The transport of inefficient faculty members will begin sometime in 2011.

The government has said it is pleased that universities are now going to have more contact with such a successful company as DHL, and already many university presidents, provosts, deans and rectors see the company as an example to universities. "We long for the day when we too can be as efficient as DHL," said Sir Keith O'Nions, Rector of Imperial College. "In fact I'm a little jealous of their motto and I've wondered if they'd mind us using it: Excellence. Simply Delivered. So you see we're effectively in the same business. I think this will be a great partnership."

Government plans to outsource Afghan War falter for lack of 'serious' bidders

Government plans to privatise the War in Afghanistan have got off to an inauspicious start, suffering from a lack of bidders the government regards as 'serious'. Only two bids have so far been submitted, one from the English Defence League, who the government characterised as 'Lacking both the manpower and the strategic planning capability.'

"Sure, we've had interest from some of the big corporations," said a government insider. "Halliburton were sniffing around for a bit, as you'd expect - I think they're drawn to the smell of blood. Serco looked into it too. Do you know what Serco does except sponge off fat government contracts? Me neither."

But the big corporations all withdrew their bids after discovering that the contract would be paid on results and that there was only one measurable output: Victory. "It was the black and white nature of it we couldn't make sense of," said a Halliburton source. "We could have dealt with being paid on a sliding scale according to degrees of victory - so you'd still be paid for a certain value of victory, like in the Iraq War - but in this case the 'output achieved' column just had two options: yes/no. We ran a mile."

The only other bid was from the Basingstoke Women's Institute. "We think they mistook it for knitting contract," said a civil servant. But the head of the Basingstoke WI, run to ground by journalists watering the geraniums in her back garden, said that the bid was not a mistake. "We decided that we couldn't fuck it up any more than the government, so why not? Yes, we swear now as well as strip for calendars - welcome to the 21st Century fuckwads. Now give us the war and we'll sort it out for you."

Governments sources admit that if the Basingstoke WI bid was serious they were likely to get 'preferred bidder' status. "I'd back them against the EDL any day of the week," said one civil servant. "Question is, should we back them against the Taliban? God knows we've tried everything else."