What to think about...Fairtrade

Cadburys are lovely

 Welcome to another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer you clear of mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and if you say something often enough it becomes true.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT FAIRTRADE 

• Fairtrade goods allow us to choose products that ensure the workers get a fairer price, and this is good, obviously - I mean, who could argue with that? A monster maybe.
• People want to be good - they just need to be given a chance to consume in the right way
• It's not charity, and it's not a cut-throat market attitude. It's a third way, and as reasonable people we all know that Third Ways are the answer
• Even if we don't know a lot about the condition of the labourers we never meet, or the conditions of the immigrant labourers in the Tesco warehouse that weren't included on the label, at least Fairtrade is doing something.  
• A smiling face of a coffee picker on the side of your packet of coffee makes you feel slightly less complicit in the general reliance of your civilisation on poor labourers. They are smiling because you bought their coffee, and this makes you happy

And what not to think (unfortunate mental aberrations that may arise) :

• If the goods are not signficantly more expensive than non-Fairtrade goods, the workers can't really be getting that much extra money - £2.25 a day instead of £2 is still dirt poor. And if the goods are significantly more expensive, they become a niche product for well-heeled people, because most people, by both necessity and training, do shop according to price. 
• If ethics can be consumed then it is just another product, in which case I'm gonna get some from my local dealer every day and do it intravenously, cos I love that ethical rush

Obama and Ahmedinajad take ritual playground taunts to next level

United Nations, last week

Relations between the US and Iran reached a new low today when Barack Obama drew a line across the playground with his foot and told Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , "I warn you: if you step across that line I'm going to thump you."

Ahmedinejad responded by sticking out his tongue and going "Ner ner ne ner ner." Instead of taking a step forward he then took a step to the side.

Obama responded by saying, "You'd better watch out. The line might have moved. Anywhere you walk you could be crossing the line."

The upping of the playground ante comes after months of exchanges of taunts. Ahmedinejad has already said to Obama, "I'll get my dad to beat your dad up. And my dad's bigger than your dad."

Obama made the counterclaim, "Yeah, but my dad's got a bigger car and he'll come and smash into your dad's car."

Child psychologists say that Obama takes the role of a typical bully in the playground exchanges, while Ahmedinejad is the archetypal annoying kid who can't keep his mouth shut.

The taunts took a more sinister turn earlier this month when Ahmedinejad informed Obama that he had a knife at home, and that it was "a proper flick knife and everything. They're not even legal."

Obama responded with, "Yeah? Well I've got nunchucks at home and nunchucks can always beat a knife. I'm going to start bringing them into school."

None of the claims made in the highly ritualised playground taunts have yet been tested, though taunts between similar antagonists have led to violence in the past. Observers say that while Obama is undoubtedly the bigger of the two, he and playground bullies like him have a history of stupidity that often undermines their efforts to be 'king of the playground'.

At the time of writing no teachers could be found to intervene.

Grave of the Macarena discovered

FARC battle dance?

The Macarena, the one-time popular dance by Los Del Rio, has finally been discovered dead in La Macarena, a small town in Colombia, buried in a mass grave with 2000 other corpses. The dance, which is usually performed when so drunk that the event will not be remembered the next day, has fallen dramatically in popularity in recent years but its death is attributed to the 7th Mobile Brigade of the Colombian army who were in the area at the time. The army claimed that because of its name the Macarena had been appropriated as a battle dance by FARC guerillas based in the town, but denied killing 2000 other civilians in the hope of frightening the entire area into submission or appropriating the land belonging to the dead.

Juan Manuel Santos, former defence chief, now President of Colombia, called a press conference to announce that there were only 370 or so corpses in the grave at La Macarena anyway, and that definitely no corpses had been removed as the grave stood unguarded. "As for the missing dance," he went on to say, "The identity of the corpse of the Macarena is unconfirmed so it cannot be discussed." However controversy broke out when later in the day he was overheard to say of the Macarena, "But really, who will miss it? It was very uncivilised." Santos is known to harbour a deep hatred of tacky dance numbers and human rights activists.

Many have expressed relief at the death of the over-energetic dance but questioned the need for the military or their paramilitary allies to kill so many other people along with it at a time when Colombia was engaged in a 'peace process'. Tony Blair however put out a press statement expressing his admiration for Santos, who pays him as a consultant on foreign policy matters. "I'm sure if the dance or anyone else died it was for the greater good," he said in an interview. "Santos and I have a real connection you know? We have both helped bring greater security to the world, so I understand exactly where he's coming from. And you've got to admit that dance was annoying."

Teachers begin planning school trips to Iraq in wake of US withdrawal

Children set off to see the cultural riches of Iraq

Following the withdrawal of US combat troops from Iraq many are now asking whether it is time to start taking schoolchildren to Iraq. Renowned for its ancient history and unique ecosystems, Iraq has long been seen as prime destination for school trips. Some teachers have already begun planning to take their classes there.

"It was a bit tricky when Saddam was in power," explains Mr Hurst of Yarrow School, Brentwood. "You got followed around by secret police all the time. Then it was kind of risky for a while after the US invaded and some Iraqis weren't too happy about that, and sectarian groups waged a bit of a civil war against each other. Now it's all fine and dandy and I think its about time my kids got to learn about the place."

Mr Hurst admits that Iraq is not a destination for younger children. "It's a long way to go," he said. "The culture is quite different from ours, which can be disorientating, and of course it gets very hot in the desert."

Mrs Kenan of The Jemima Lyttleton School for Girls in Reading is also planning a trip to Iraq. "We're aiming for early winter this year," she said. "My girls can't wait to see the ruins of Babylon and the Mesopotamian Marshes. Some of them are learning Arabic and we're hoping to meet Iraqi girls we can do foreign exchanges with in the future."

Both teachers were enthusiastic about the poor availability of alcohol in Iraq following the Mahdi Army militia campaigns of recent years. "God knows we don't want a repeat of that trip to Kendal," said Mrs Kenan. "Gone are the days when girls are happy to stick with mint cake I can tell you. I'm not saying I agree with repeatedly beating anyone who sells alcohol with sticks, but if it means not spending a night in the hospital while Gemma Trotwood gets her stomach pumped I'm all for it."

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has issued a brief statement advising teachers: 'While Iraq is now a peaceful democracy, we recommend that teachers taking children there on school trips check our regularly updated travel advisory notices both before and during their journeys.'

Man decides to only oppose wars with memorable bad guys

The right Kadyrov?

David Lebworth, a committed liberal from Hammersmith, London, last night threw up his hands in disgust and declared that he was sick of opposing wars in countries where he could barely pronounce let alone remember the names of the bad guys. He will henceforth only oppose wars in countries like Uganda, where the bad guys have easy names. "'Joseph Kony' is fine, just fine," he said. "I mean he's not, he's an evil bastard, but I can pronounce him. So I'm against the Lord's Resistance Army."

Mr Lebworth, whose general anti-war sentiments remain unchanged, finally decided to become more selective about specific the wars he opposed upon reading that the leader of the Somali resistance group al-Shabab, properly known as Harakat al-Shabaab al-Mujahideen, is led by Sheikh Moktar Ali Zubeyr, also known as Ahmed Cabdi Godane. His immediate reaction upon reading this was to say "Oh for fucks sake!" and fling the paper on the floor of the pub where he was enjoying a quiet drink before bed.

"It just all got a bit much," he admitted the morning after reading the paper. "I'd only just got my head around which Kadyrov is which in the Chechen conflict - Ramzan is the authoritarian Russian-loving one in charge now by the way - and that was all fine, but suddenly this guy has two names, with three bits each, only some of which I know how to pronounce. Well, someone else will have to oppose the Somali war. I just can't do it any more."

Mr Lebworth's decision on which wars to oppose comes some weeks after he decided to only pursue women with job titles he understands.

The Subtle Adventures of Dagobert Oliphant, Diplomat and International Statesman

Upon ending a meeting one day in the UN, Oliphant accidentally wandered into a debating chamber as a vote on sanctions against Iran was about to take place. He stood there for a few minutes watching, then turned to a delegate from Paraguay next to him (Now unbeknownst to him, a microphone in front of the delegate was switched on and his words were about to be broadcast around the room, tinny but undeniable) and what he said was:

"Isn't it a little inconsistent that the US would get so concerned about the the 'nuclear threat' from Iran while supporting the nuclear-armed military dictatorship in Pakistan where there are far more genuine extremists who might at some point stage a coup and gain control of the weapons? One would almost think that both sides are simply ramping up the rhetoric to distract from domestic problems and that if they are genuinely prepared for war it is only because their domestic problems are utterly insoluble."

As he said these words and the microphone betrayed them to the room, an icy chill took hold among the gathered diplomats of all nations. Frost developed on Oliphant's beard (for Oliphant has a beard) and small icicles grew from the noses of the delegates. The stones beneath their feet grew colder and colder and finally crumbled to dust, the concrete beneath cracked, and the entire auditorium began to subside gently into the room below. Sparks flew across the room as electrical fittings broke apart and neon tubes exploded. The low rumble of disintegrating building material was almost drowned out by the screams of the delegates as they slid inexorably down into the billowing cloud of dust and chaos.

Oliphant, who was still stood near the door, backed judiciously away from what was now merely a crumbling edge of floor and, with a tactful cough, he left the room.

Americans not yet over their anger at mountains

Celebrity couple wed in Darfur

It has emerged today that professional elf Orlando Bloom and catwalk model Miranda Kerr were married in Darfur, Sudan, last week. "We are doing this as a symbol of our solidarity with those caught in conflict," said a press statement issued from the helicopter that took the glamorous couple to the village where the wedding took place. The couple also hoped that the strange wedding location would raise the profile of the currently sidelined war. "The Darfur conflict is still going on," said Bloom. "It just slipped out of the news because of oil spills, the World Cup and so on. I guess I wanted to put it back on the map." After a moment's pause he added "It's in Africa. Kind of a bit north and a bit east."

As a UN Goodwill Ambassador this is not the first time Orlando Bloom has made an effort for the poor and helpless of the world. But never before has he risked his life for a worthy cause. "We selected a village in the heart of the conflict zone for the wedding," he explains. "And yes, we did have a hundred armed guards hired through a British mercenary company, but that village has been attacked three times in the last six months and over a hundred of its two hundred residents killed, so we were pretty on edge I can tell you."

The couple did not announce the location of the wedding beforehand, partly out of fear of being targeted by local militants and partly because of an exclusive deal with Hello magazine that required them to keep the location secret to prevent other photographers finding the wedding. Pictures of the wedding will appear in the magazine next week. Hello insiders claim that the dusty, desert-like location, the poverty of the villagers and the sheer number of weapons on display at the ceremony make the photoshoot "Our darkest work to date."