What to think about...The Liberal Democrats

Here is another in my triumphant series of educational posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and because I have also switched my brain off I can't help but agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS 

• The Liberal Democrats lied at election time, thus further undermining (aim ever higher!) confidence in politicians
• We know that all politicians lie but this time they have been called on it, which is a surprise to everyone, especially the mainstream media who have got used to not doing it themselves
• The Lib Dems positioned themselves as the most 'social' party at the last election and should not now betray those who voted for them, nor show such indecision if they want to be 'credible'
• They make unnatural bedfellows with the Conservatives and should not have gone into coalition with them if they can't wring any more concessions from them than a hostage could get from their armed kidnappers
• Nick Clegg is a two-faced lying careerist scumbag to rival the best that Westminster School and Cambridge have produced

And now, what not to think - thoughts such as might be entertained by 'problematic' or mentally imbalanced types who will probably end up wandering the streets begging for 5p 'for a coffee':

• The Liberal Democrats are an economically right-wing party who, along with the Conservatives and New Labour, believe that the rich should be left alone to do what they do best - make money for themselves
• The Browne Education Review, the plan - by a millionaire Labourite businessman who oversaw the greatest oil disasters of our time - to not only increase fees but to thoroughly 'marketise' education was commissioned by Labour and picked up by both the Conservatives and the Lib Dems
• The Lib Dem's 'love me please' social posturing has always been contradicted by their economic ideals - if you look at their record in local government it is clear how they always resolve the 'contradiction' 
• Nick Clegg heads a party of two-faced lying careerist scumbags (Note: subjective idea not to be trusted) who like every major party in the country want to dismantle the welfare state and reduce government spending (not so subjective - careful now!) on people - though interestingly not on private companies - and are therefore getting most of what they really want from the coalition
• Our 'democratic' political system forces politicians to lie - the crime is to get caught. The real danger here would be allowing yourself to think that a parliamentary system in which everyone lies might be presenting itself to us dishonestly, might not even exist for your benefit at all (see first point in this list for clues on the most grievous error to avoid here) 
• The Lib Dems don't need their minds changing on tuition fees, they need their minds changing with surgery, perhaps swapping them with Doberman brains, which are much more trustworthy

What to think about...outsourcing public services

MRSA: join the dots

For the grim start of winter a grim (and not very funny) topic in my educational series of posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I have to agree because I've had a few drinks and I want to have sex with them all.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT OUTSOURCING

• The public sector is inefficient
• The private sector is efficient
• The private sector can thus do everything better and cheaper than the public sector
• Except running railways, it turned out, after people died, but the general thrust of the argument is true
• We just have to make sure that the companies maintain standards, since there isn't any competition except every 10 or 15 years when the contract goes out to tender, but generally companies are nice and lovely so this is easy
•  The profit motive is thus good, not bad, and has a magical effect on service provision, such as might be conjured by a good-hearted boy wizard with a scar on his forehead, though it's funny when you think about it how few heart-warming childrens tales of government outsourcing there are in the bookshops

And what not to think (I apologise for the number of bullet points here but this area is full of potentially treacherous traps for the undisciplined thinker, causing many foolish people to think that outsourcing is little more than officially organised corruption): 

• Private companies are often very inefficient too and actually make profits because of monopoly positions, or taking advantage of people who don't know enough or, or lying, or frankly, stealing stuff
• The one thing that sometimes increases efficiency among lumbering private companies is genuine competition, coincidentally the one thing it is usually impossible to have in public service provision
•  As a point of fact (so pesky avoiding these when seeking to think correctly - quash without ruth) companies habitually bid cheap to get a contract then work in lots of pricey extras or hold the government to ransom for extra money mid-term on the grounds of unforseeable expenses
• 'Efficiency savings' often come from squeezing workers till they bleed, thus undermining the quality of life not just of the workers but of the entire country since everyone suffers from the increased wealth gap
• It turns out that when you give companies a regular public subsidy they behave as complacently as the worst public sector bodies, while skimming profit off the top - result! Or rather, 'results', as they say in the management consultancy trade (we give thanks for all your help in outsourcing, ye blessed consultants).
• The cost of monitoring the contractors to stop them efficiently cutting corners is rarely included in the analysis of costs (This also has a factual basis but thankfully is easier to crush because it is boring)
•  The authorities usually go for the companies that put in the cheapest bid, not having heard the adage about peanuts, monkeys and the minimum wage receptionist at a government office who went beserk at the stress of his shift patterns and killed everyone walking through the door with a shotgun. 
• Which hasn't happened yet, but I keep peanuts in my pocket to placate receptionists just in case.
• So it turns out private companies often don't do a better job, and they often don't do it cheaper, and when they do, it turns out to be a bad thing for everyone (Careful now! These incorrect thoughts can accumulate into bitter and counter-productive notions such as this - be alert!)
• Measuring efficiency means measuring the end result, but if how we get there is just as important - if the process needs to be, for example, transparent, consistent, or accountable, or if it can do unmeasurable good along the way because it is embedded in wider society rather than a 'streamlined' company process, then perhaps efficiency isn't the only thing we should be aiming for. This bullet point alone potentially undermines the entire array of correct thinking, rendering the points above superfluous: please take care to dispose of it properly, do not expose to naked flames. 

What to think about...The Olympics

Once you've seen it as Lisa giving Bart a blow job you never see anything else 

Behold! Another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and having seen one recently explain the causes of the Oxfordshire Rising of 1596 I'm inclined to agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS 

• The Olympics provides entertainment to millions of people, like X-factor
• It creates peace between nations, like the UN, but by fast running and leaping and throwing rather than by talking and wearing blue helmets
• World Peace for £7bn is a right bargain, particularly compared to the UN
• The area it will be in will benefit from investment, even if it is investment in stadiums rather than, say, houses, or schools, or hospitals, and in fact throws people out of their homes for said stadiums
• Children will be inspired to pursue excellence in sport, as they are encouraged to pursue excellence in all things, particularly if they go to academies, and fuck you little Josh if you just aren't excellent at anything

And now, unsporting thoughts such as might be harboured by losers and other inexcellent types:

•  The world is hardly struggling to create light entertainment and it can be done a lot cheaper than by holding the Olympics. If you released an over-excited guinea-pig on the dancefloor during a Strictly Come Dancing episode it would entertain everyone as much as a gold medal in the javelin. Cost of a guinea-pig: £5. Cost of a caffeine pill to feed to the guinea-pig: 20p. Total cost: £5.20.
• If you object to drug-fuelled family entertainment that's the Olympics out the window isn't it? Though of course if no one gets caught we can all pretend it isn't happening.
• As far as I can see the people who really benefit from this huge expenditure of public money are property developers, building contractors, advertisers, providers of outsourced services, management consultants, politicians who get to strut around looking important, and media commentators who have so little to say that they are desperate for a chance to fake excitement about a man running a hundred metres.

What to think about...Fairtrade

Cadburys are lovely

 Welcome to another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer you clear of mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and if you say something often enough it becomes true.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT FAIRTRADE 

• Fairtrade goods allow us to choose products that ensure the workers get a fairer price, and this is good, obviously - I mean, who could argue with that? A monster maybe.
• People want to be good - they just need to be given a chance to consume in the right way
• It's not charity, and it's not a cut-throat market attitude. It's a third way, and as reasonable people we all know that Third Ways are the answer
• Even if we don't know a lot about the condition of the labourers we never meet, or the conditions of the immigrant labourers in the Tesco warehouse that weren't included on the label, at least Fairtrade is doing something.  
• A smiling face of a coffee picker on the side of your packet of coffee makes you feel slightly less complicit in the general reliance of your civilisation on poor labourers. They are smiling because you bought their coffee, and this makes you happy

And what not to think (unfortunate mental aberrations that may arise) :

• If the goods are not signficantly more expensive than non-Fairtrade goods, the workers can't really be getting that much extra money - £2.25 a day instead of £2 is still dirt poor. And if the goods are significantly more expensive, they become a niche product for well-heeled people, because most people, by both necessity and training, do shop according to price. 
• If ethics can be consumed then it is just another product, in which case I'm gonna get some from my local dealer every day and do it intravenously, cos I love that ethical rush

Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

Okay, some of you Radio 4 fans aren't going to like me for this, but I had this story on Newsbiscuit yesterday:
Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

In my defence, I wrote the story as someone who listens to Radio 4, but lately due to the unfortunate necessity of car journeys I have been listening to it too much. And in high doses the smugness is fucking unbearable. The story was edited by newsbiscuit but thankfully they kept the last two lines - which is the part of the story I liked the most. I could write an entire essay on those two lines but it wouldn't be as funny so I don't.

What to think about...Ed Miliband

Very closeted indeed

This is my highly educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, even the ones that are.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT ED MILIBAND

• Ed Miliband is a closet raving leftist who got the support of the unions
• Because he owes his victory to the unions, he must distance himself from the unions so as to show that he owes them nothing
• The best way for him to do this would be to make sure that none of his policies are leftist - this worked well for Gordon Brown when he was briefly suspected of having socialist sympathies 
• Ed Miliband controversially thinks the Iraq War was wrong - even though he never said so while it was going on and has actively opposed all attempts to investigate it properly
• Just because he lives in a £1.6million house he got through some very businesslike financial dealings and is married to a lawyer who works for E.ON, the energy corporation fond of coal, nuclear power and massive lobbying of government, doesn't mean he isn't a raging commie

And what not to think (defiling thoughts that ill-befit your dignity):

• It's pretty interesting to watch the media propaganda machine crank itself up at the mere whiff of leftism in British politics, though presumably part of the reason is that they have to carry on pretending the politicans are different from each other
• The whiff of leftism is pretty much all that's left, and that makes Ed Miliband the final weak fart blowing in your face from a distant socialist past

What to think about...bankers

The beautiful product of beautiful minds

This is another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I take all my advice from glorified accountants.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT BANKERS

• Bankers are the cutting edge of a financial system based on risk and monopoly that has made certain people in the world very wealthy (check your bank account now to see if you are one of these people)
• They brought the world to the brink of economic collapse in a climate of deregulation, partly because they were skimming so much off the top for themselves that they just couldn't bring themselves to stop
• No one can excuse the risks they took or how much they pay themselves or their disregard for wider society
• Nothing has changed in the way they work or the system they work within, but the government fully intends to do something about it any day now
• Ooh look, a pigeon with a deformed beak!

And what not to think (results of mental programming errors):

• I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
• I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
• Focus! Remember what we were talking about! 

What to think about...The House of Lords

Soon to be 'modernised' with glass and steel trim

This is my ever-popular educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and those guys run the world so they must be right.

THE HOUSE OF LORDS

• It is an ancient and venerable institution
• Lords oversight partially makes up for the lower house being so pathetically weak and giving in to the government's every whim
• Elections for the upper house would (a) be the perfect solution or (b) create another pissing contest in the national media
• Whatever is wrong with it, it makes some very useful amendments to government legislation
•  Some of the Lords, it is true, are politician's friends, but they are very knowledgeable and useful people (see above)
• And proper old Lords are kind of cool, like maces and trebuchets

  

And now what not to think (thoughts that sneak up on those with unsanitary minds):

• If elections are pissing contests in the national media and the lower house is weak and the upper house is corrupt, perhaps we should find a better way of organising the country 
• Churchill said "Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others" - but then, as someone who won the game referred to as 'democracy', he's not really a trustworthy source on the merits of the game is he? 
• Fucking think about it for a moment before you pull out some dessicated turd of a quote like that on me (swearing always makes bullet points funnier - management consultants don't teach you that).

What to think about...a new runway at Heathrow

Artist's impression of tunnel linking new runway to old

This is an educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and those guys are bright sparks, hell yeah.

A NEW RUNWAY AT HEATHROW

• Airports are big modern things that help us be modern
• We need to be modern so we can be rich
• We need to be rich so we can build more airports
• We are not rich enough right now because rich people can barely get into the country to share their riches with us because we have so few airports
• If we build it, they will come

And now what not to think (incorrect mental processes to be corrected - be wary of them!):

• Whoever is going to get richer from it, I bet it won't be me
• But I still get the noise, the pollution, the dumb tourists and the global warming

What to think about... the Iraq War

Iraq

This is the first in an educational series of posts called "What to think about..."  They are presented in a bullet-pointed stylee, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points.

Today I will be telling the world what to think about...

THE IRAQ WAR 

• Saddam Hussein was a bad man who killed Kurds
• Democracy is good and dictatorship is bad
• A lot of people died but they were mostly not our people
• You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs
• Iraq is now an omelette

And now, for those prone to errors, what not to think:

• The US currently shares intelligence with Turkey which is used to kill Kurds in Iraq
• Somebody made a lot of money out of the Iraq war but it wasn't me