Some person you've sort of heard of caught taking bad stuff, say weary journos

Bad stuff. Bad celebrity.

Journalists were once again forced to manufacture outrage today over some P-list celebrity who no one much liked anyway taking some drug that their readers either don't know anything about or do know about but quite like a bit of every now and then.

"It gets a bit wearing after a while," said Jeremy Thornton, a reporter with the Evening Sun. "So-and-so has been caught - or sometimes admitted to taking if they need a bit of extra publicity - X or Y drug, and this is very bad of them, and we all disapprove heartily and just think of the example it sets to the children. But really it all seems a bit pointless after the hundredth time you've done it, like having a wank just because Fiona Bruce is the newsreader that day. It's enough to make you take to drugs."

After decades of such stories being a staple of papers that think real news is too complicated for their readers, a malaise has taken hold across the whole of Fleet Street. A harassed editor who didn't wish to be named explained: "Journalists these days go to great lengths to pass the writing of these 'exposes' on to someone else - you know, going to the toilet just when you're looking for them, pretending to have Myxamitosis, whatever. I can't say I blame them - the stories are so formulaic you fall asleep writing them - but for god's sake that's what we pay them for."

Rumours suggest that last time a 'Half-famous-idiot-takes-evil-stuff' story came up at the Daily Express, most of the journalists pretended to be working on an important expose of the social attitudes of British troops in Afghanistan. "That Afghan story never appeared," admitted one of the journalists involved. "Or not in our paper. But really, who wants to write these stories? It's a complete nightmare when you're on a comedown I can tell you."

The outraged exposes nonetheless continue to appear in papers. "It's impressive when you think about it," said one commentator. "A real credit to the persistence of Fleet Street editors in rousing their journalists to give the old formula one more whirl before they all expire from exhaustion and self-loathing."

One in 5 Britons will be ethnic Daily Express readers by 2050

A typical Daily Express reader

In a study that has struck fear into the hearts of thinking people everywhere, scientists at the Royal Society have proved that by 2050 the UK will be awash with floods of ethnic Daily Express readers.

The demographic time bomb in These Green And Pleasant Lands Of Ours (TM Daily Express) has taken analysts by surprise. "We thought education would help," explained Tom Bamber of the Institute for Everything. "We're not sure whether we've been proved wrong or whether this just goes to show that our education system is shite. Either way we're all pretty terrified. It seems we're about to be engulfed by a tidal wave of bigots who just won't stop breeding."

When asked what the government could do about the menace growing within, one scientist suggested that immigration might be the answer. "Since the Daily Express is so habitually offensive towards immigrants we figure that immigrants probably don't buy it very much, in the same way they don't line up to be slapped in the face and called 'boy'. So we're recommending as much immigration as possible."

In an attempt to soothe troubled waters, a government spokesman explained that as well as being a drain on the sanity of the nation, Daily Express readers also contribute to the economy. "We think they may be keeping the garden gnome industry afloat," he explained. "We couldn't do without them. And frankly, who else would have them?"

The Editor of the Daily Express was not available for comment. Fleet Street rumours claimed he was busy rolling around in a big pile of money laughing and shouting, "I can't believe we can get away with calling people 'ethnics'".