One in 5 Britons will be ethnic Daily Express readers by 2050

A typical Daily Express reader

In a study that has struck fear into the hearts of thinking people everywhere, scientists at the Royal Society have proved that by 2050 the UK will be awash with floods of ethnic Daily Express readers.

The demographic time bomb in These Green And Pleasant Lands Of Ours (TM Daily Express) has taken analysts by surprise. "We thought education would help," explained Tom Bamber of the Institute for Everything. "We're not sure whether we've been proved wrong or whether this just goes to show that our education system is shite. Either way we're all pretty terrified. It seems we're about to be engulfed by a tidal wave of bigots who just won't stop breeding."

When asked what the government could do about the menace growing within, one scientist suggested that immigration might be the answer. "Since the Daily Express is so habitually offensive towards immigrants we figure that immigrants probably don't buy it very much, in the same way they don't line up to be slapped in the face and called 'boy'. So we're recommending as much immigration as possible."

In an attempt to soothe troubled waters, a government spokesman explained that as well as being a drain on the sanity of the nation, Daily Express readers also contribute to the economy. "We think they may be keeping the garden gnome industry afloat," he explained. "We couldn't do without them. And frankly, who else would have them?"

The Editor of the Daily Express was not available for comment. Fleet Street rumours claimed he was busy rolling around in a big pile of money laughing and shouting, "I can't believe we can get away with calling people 'ethnics'".