Cameron finds horrific picture of Tony Blair in No. 10 attic, calls in artist

Cameron: wants to keep his beguiling looks

The Prime Minister David Cameron has reportedly found a painting in the attic of Number 10 Downing Street that portrays the state of Tony Blair's soul. "Even I was shocked," he confided to a close confidant. "He isn't even a man any more, not in that painting. There's nothing left of him but a bloody demonic maw gaping open to receive money and prizes. I mean, I knew being Prime Minister could leave people looking a bit ropey but this thing is utterly repulsive."

Sources say the horrified Prime Minister barely made it down the steep stairway from the attic before collapsing in his office and making himself a gin and tonic with very little tonic. Ten minutes later he ordered his assistant to contact the artist who painted the picture of Blair to ask the cost of sitting for a portrait himself. "Let's face it," one aide later said, "If you're going to take on an office that will utterly corrupt what wasn't a particularly pretty soul in the first place, it's best not to let people know it's happening to you. I mean, you'd all get the painting too, right?"