Journalist 'disappointed' by Cameron's lack of commitment to social justice. Also disappointed by failure of convicted paedophile to provide nurturing, supportive environment for her children

See the national press for details.

What to think about...Fairtrade

Cadburys are lovely

 Welcome to another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer you clear of mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and if you say something often enough it becomes true.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT FAIRTRADE 

• Fairtrade goods allow us to choose products that ensure the workers get a fairer price, and this is good, obviously - I mean, who could argue with that? A monster maybe.
• People want to be good - they just need to be given a chance to consume in the right way
• It's not charity, and it's not a cut-throat market attitude. It's a third way, and as reasonable people we all know that Third Ways are the answer
• Even if we don't know a lot about the condition of the labourers we never meet, or the conditions of the immigrant labourers in the Tesco warehouse that weren't included on the label, at least Fairtrade is doing something.  
• A smiling face of a coffee picker on the side of your packet of coffee makes you feel slightly less complicit in the general reliance of your civilisation on poor labourers. They are smiling because you bought their coffee, and this makes you happy

And what not to think (unfortunate mental aberrations that may arise) :

• If the goods are not signficantly more expensive than non-Fairtrade goods, the workers can't really be getting that much extra money - £2.25 a day instead of £2 is still dirt poor. And if the goods are significantly more expensive, they become a niche product for well-heeled people, because most people, by both necessity and training, do shop according to price. 
• If ethics can be consumed then it is just another product, in which case I'm gonna get some from my local dealer every day and do it intravenously, cos I love that ethical rush

Noel Edmunds to launch 'Instant Homes' scheme

Mental powers to house?

Noel Edmunds, more usually known for a string of inexplicable television programmes, is to spend the next stage of his career promoting a new way for young people, who will soon all be ineligible for council housing and also priced out of the housing market, to get their own homes.

"I call the new homes 'Instant Homes'," explains the celebrity presenter. "All it requires is will-power and positivity. What you do is, you shut your eyes and IMAGINE the house you want. You imagine just as hard as you can, you really focus on it, and before you know it, you're starting to feel warm and comfortable and you know where your fridge is. You bring your home into reality INSTANTLY with the power of your mind. That's it. Nothing more to it."

Many people have tried to solve the problems for young people caused by the housing bubble, in which property prices are held artificially high by a combination of property speculators, buy-to-let landlords and second homeowners. But never before has the mind of Noel Edmunds been turned on the issue and some see it as cause for renewed hope. The government has cautiously welcomed his intervention in a problem they have been unable to solve themselves. "But we are concerned that a sudden increase in the supply of housing could drive down prices," said a government insider. "Which would be great for young people, obviously, but terrible for people who already have houses. Well, not terrible, just inconvenient. But we don't want it to happen because it's the kind of thing that loses elections."

Edmunds has responded by saying that 'The government's obsession with money money money shows that they have lost sight of what is important in life'. Since returning from the grave Noel Edmunds has proclaimed his adherence to bafflingly implausible self-help philosophies and has promoted them via the medium of television. This time Noel Edmunds is to come directly to the homes of anyone who phones his 'I Want A House To Party In Too' hotline, to explain to them how they can get their own home that very day. The visits will then be filmed and broadcast as a documentary called 'Noel Edmunds saves the World'.

Some have pooh-poohed the whole idea of 'Instant Homes', saying they are unlikely to keep anyone warm for long, and that the government would be better off taking measures such as building more council housing, or taxing well-heeled amateur buy-to-letters out of the market, a move it was unwilling to take while Tony Blair, a well-heeled amateur buy-to-letter, was in power. Noel Edmunds has responded in turn by calling his critics 'Destructive purveyors of negative energy'. He said "While I provide homes for people, INSTANTLY, they just provide naysaying and 'economics'. I'm having none of it, and if you want to be able to have your own home this side of sixty, call my hotline NOW. Don't say nay, say yay!"

Psychiatrists across Britain urge end of denial, acceptance of need for a good length of 2"x4"

Cabinet Ministers discover the others caught syphilis from Rupert Murdoch too

Plenty to go around

After months of everyone in the cabinet hiding their condition from one other, each convinced that they alone were struggling with a shameful secret, there was great relief in cabinet meeting today when it emerged that every one of them caught syphilis after nights of passion with Rupert Murdoch during the election campaign.

According to uncorroborated reports it was Ken Clarke, in a fit of bad temper brought on by an itch in the unmentionables and an adverse reaction to antibiotics, who finally burst out in the middle of a cabinet meeting, "God damn that diseased Aussie!"

One civil servant who witnessed the extraordinary scenes in the cabinet room said, "That was it. Once Ken half admitted to it, Theresa May – who I had noticed had been looking worried all morning – said 'You too?' and that just opened the floodgates. It turned out everyone in the room had it. William Hague started crying when he realised he wasn't the only one. With relief you understand."

Cameron was said to have maintained a 'dignified silence' throughout the confessions, though he was seen surreptitiously making notes when Liam Fox spoke about his success treating symptoms using a medical kit he 'borrowed' from a soldier while visiting Afghanistan.

Syphilis is usually an easily treatable disease but the 'Murdoch strain', as doctors are already calling it, is showing resistance to everything that science has to offer. "It's the body's worst nightmare, and that includes Vince Cable's body," explained the doctor treating Vince Cable, who has allowed his doctor to waive confidentiality on the condition that his name be mentioned every other sentence. "It's horrible. Slowly but surely it takes over everything, even in someone as strong and virile as Vince Cable. In the end there will be nothing left but syphilis."

A spokesman for Rupert Murdoch said, "These baseless accusations are exactly the kind of thing we expect to hear from the bloated, overfunded BBC. Do they really have nothing better to do than investigate the sex lives of British politicians?" When it was pointed out that it was not the BBC making the accusations, and that it was more usually the Murdoch press investigating the sex lives of politicians, the spokesman said he would return with a better defence tomorrow. "Any journalist printing anything in the meantime," he said as he left the room, "Will have the entire armory of the Murdoch empire focused on destroying them. Or a night with Rupert. Whichever works out cheaper for him."

Government prepares windowless soundproofed holding pen for ageing reality tv stars

In search of dignity

Secret government plans to build a vast camera-free soundproofed holding pen by 2030 for today's reality tv stars have today been leaked to the press amidst accusations that the project will 'strip reality tv stars of their dignity'. Proponents of the scheme say that reality tv stars need to be protected from their own 'unnatural urges' to expose themselves to the mockery of the nation.

The holding pen is to be built in the remote Welsh countryside. It will be ringed with barbed wire, windowless, and built of the best soundproofed materials available. A government spokesman responding to criticisms explained that, "The whole idea is in fact to protect their dignity. By 2030 the stars of today will all be losing their looks or will have lost them. Their 'bubbly', 'sparkly' and 'vivacious' personalities will have burned out into a kind of low-level whine of obstreperous bitterness, and we thought the kindest thing we could do for them all would be to shut them away without cameras or access to newspaper columnists, where their increasingly desperate clamouring for attention will harm neither themselves nor others."

Some human rights campaigners have drawn comparisons with ancient practices of leaving the weak in society outside in the cold to die, but the government has provided assurances that the holding pen will be well heated and the 'contestants' well fed. "Of course we can't answer for what they'll do to each other," one civil servant said with a resigned shrug. "The sheer concentration of crass manipulativeness in one place will be so great we'll probably have to create a new word for it. There'll likely be a few murders. But that's their affair. At least no one will be able to see or hear them pawing at each other in a desperate bid to appear in the papers, and no cameras will be on hand to provide any sort of encouragement of drama-queenery. It's the best we can do for them."

Many media commentators have welcomed the move. "We don't mind the stupid people when they're attractive," said one. "But once they're ugly I think it's best to hide them away somewhere. As for the question of dignity, it barely seems relevant. These are reality tv stars we're talking about, not real people."

Several reality tv stars were asked for their opinion on their future home. However, since it quickly became clear that they only answered in what they thought would be the most popular or attention-garnering way, and that none of them could actually comprehend a future without tv cameras, their comments have not been included here as an act of mercy.

Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

Okay, some of you Radio 4 fans aren't going to like me for this, but I had this story on Newsbiscuit yesterday:
Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

In my defence, I wrote the story as someone who listens to Radio 4, but lately due to the unfortunate necessity of car journeys I have been listening to it too much. And in high doses the smugness is fucking unbearable. The story was edited by newsbiscuit but thankfully they kept the last two lines - which is the part of the story I liked the most. I could write an entire essay on those two lines but it wouldn't be as funny so I don't.