Sunday, 17 October 2010

Government prepares windowless soundproofed holding pen for ageing reality tv stars

In search of dignity

Secret government plans to build a vast camera-free soundproofed holding pen by 2030 for today's reality tv stars have today been leaked to the press amidst accusations that the project will 'strip reality tv stars of their dignity'. Proponents of the scheme say that reality tv stars need to be protected from their own 'unnatural urges' to expose themselves to the mockery of the nation.

The holding pen is to be built in the remote Welsh countryside. It will be ringed with barbed wire, windowless, and built of the best soundproofed materials available. A government spokesman responding to criticisms explained that, "The whole idea is in fact to protect their dignity. By 2030 the stars of today will all be losing their looks or will have lost them. Their 'bubbly', 'sparkly' and 'vivacious' personalities will have burned out into a kind of low-level whine of obstreperous bitterness, and we thought the kindest thing we could do for them all would be to shut them away without cameras or access to newspaper columnists, where their increasingly desperate clamouring for attention will harm neither themselves nor others."

Some human rights campaigners have drawn comparisons with ancient practices of leaving the weak in society outside in the cold to die, but the government has provided assurances that the holding pen will be well heated and the 'contestants' well fed. "Of course we can't answer for what they'll do to each other," one civil servant said with a resigned shrug. "The sheer concentration of crass manipulativeness in one place will be so great we'll probably have to create a new word for it. There'll likely be a few murders. But that's their affair. At least no one will be able to see or hear them pawing at each other in a desperate bid to appear in the papers, and no cameras will be on hand to provide any sort of encouragement of drama-queenery. It's the best we can do for them."

Many media commentators have welcomed the move. "We don't mind the stupid people when they're attractive," said one. "But once they're ugly I think it's best to hide them away somewhere. As for the question of dignity, it barely seems relevant. These are reality tv stars we're talking about, not real people."

Several reality tv stars were asked for their opinion on their future home. However, since it quickly became clear that they only answered in what they thought would be the most popular or attention-garnering way, and that none of them could actually comprehend a future without tv cameras, their comments have not been included here as an act of mercy.

1 comment:

  1. Ah, this was in the news the other day. Apparently they intend to prevent sanford coop from renewing its lease, kick us out, and use sanford walk as a half way home. The Internet will be banned and they will not be able to leave, but it's expected that they occasional passing trains will provide just the tidbit of attention appropriate for re-normalisation after the extended attention deprivation sojourn in Wales.