Thursday, 30 September 2010

Tony Blair now receiving letters from women who usually make advances to violent prisoners

Another story of mine on Newsbiscuit:

Tony Blair now receiving letters from women who usually make advances to violent prisoners

I'd like to make it clear that I get a pleasure from laying into Tony Blair that I don't get from anything else. He took an entire nation for a ride for ten years, during which he laid waste to another nation, and lied about everything that matters, and tooks us further down the path of Thatcherism than Thatcher did, and now he runs around the world making money off the back of it. He is scum. I could never tire of kicking him in the balls.

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

What to think about...bankers

The beautiful product of beautiful minds

This is another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I take all my advice from glorified accountants.

  • Bankers are the cutting edge of a financial system based on risk and monopoly that has made certain people in the world very wealthy (check your bank account now to see if you are one of these people)
  • They brought the world to the brink of economic collapse in a climate of deregulation, partly because they were skimming so much off the top for themselves that they just couldn't bring themselves to stop
  • No one can excuse the risks they took or how much they pay themselves or their disregard for wider society
  • Nothing has changed in the way they work or the system they work within, but the government fully intends to do something about it any day now
  • Ooh look, a pigeon with a deformed beak!

And what not to think (results of mental programming errors):
  • I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
  • I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
  • Focus! Remember what we were talking about! 

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Cameron claims Thatcher was 'a bit of a pussy' on public sector cuts and fighting miners

A weakling
David Cameron today announced that he has always consider Margaret Thatcher 'a bit of an amateur, even a bit of a pussy' when it came to slashing government budgets and fighting miners.

"For one thing, she was so wet that she never got rid of the NHS," he pointed out. "I mean, that's got to be first on the hit list if you want to slash public spending, right? It's not like anyone needs it. We all have private health insurance these days. If you don't, get some fast is my advice."

When asked why he also considered Thatcher 'something of a wimp' when it came to fighting miners, Cameron said, "It wasn't her fault. The problem with Thatcher was that she was a woman." He then stood up from his seat, ripped off his shirt and began making fighting postures towards the camera. "She never got into the violence personally! So gentle and feminine, was Maggie! For jobs like this you need a man. Come on miners! I can take you! You should have seen me at school boxing club! You don't stand a chance!"

When it was pointed out to him that his threats were rendered somewhat hollow by the fact that there aren't any miners left, he calmed down, put his shirt back on and said, "That's as may be, but you just wait till I'm done with the NHS. It'll make Maggie look like some kind of pansy."

Some prick elected leader of pricks opposing other pricks. Nation to get shafted.

More later.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

What to think about...The House of Lords

Soon to be 'modernised' with glass and steel trim
This is my ever-popular educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and those guys run the world so they must be right.

  • It is an ancient and venerable institution
  • Lords oversight partially makes up for the lower house being so pathetically weak and giving in to the government's every whim
  • Elections for the upper house would (a) be the perfect solution or (b) create another pissing contest in the national media
  • Whatever is wrong with it, it makes some very useful amendments to government legislation
  •  Some of the Lords, it is true, are politician's friends, but they are very knowledgeable and useful people (see above)
  • And proper old Lords are kind of cool, like maces and trebuchets
And now what not to think (thoughts that sneak up on those with unsanitary minds):
  • If elections are pissing contests in the national media and the lower house is weak and the upper house is corrupt, perhaps we should find a better way of organising the country 
  • Churchill said "Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others" - but then, as someone who won the game referred to as 'democracy', he's not really a trustworthy source on the merits of the game is he? 
  • Fucking think about it for a moment before you pull out some dessicated turd of a quote like that on me (swearing always makes bullet points funnier - management consultants don't teach you that).

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Obama and Ahmedinajad take ritual playground taunts to next level

United Nations, last week
Relations between the US and Iran reached a new low today when Barack Obama drew a line across the playground with his foot and told Mahmoud Ahmadinejad , "I warn you: if you step across that line I'm going to thump you."

Ahmedinejad responded by sticking out his tongue and going "Ner ner ne ner ner." Instead of taking a step forward he then took a step to the side.

Obama responded by saying, "You'd better watch out. The line might have moved. Anywhere you walk you could be crossing the line."

The upping of the playground ante comes after months of exchanges of taunts. Ahmedinejad has already said to Obama, "I'll get my dad to beat your dad up. And my dad's bigger than your dad."

Obama made the counterclaim, "Yeah, but my dad's got a bigger car and he'll come and smash into your dad's car."

Child psychologists say that Obama takes the role of a typical bully in the playground exchanges, while Ahmedinejad is the archetypal annoying kid who can't keep his mouth shut.

The taunts took a more sinister turn earlier this month when Ahmedinejad informed Obama that he had a knife at home, and that it was "a proper flick knife and everything. They're not even legal."

Obama responded with, "Yeah? Well I've got nunchucks at home and nunchucks can always beat a knife. I'm going to start bringing them into school."

None of the claims made in the highly ritualised playground taunts have yet been tested, though taunts between similar antagonists have led to violence in the past. Observers say that while Obama is undoubtedly the bigger of the two, he and playground bullies like him have a history of stupidity that often undermines their efforts to be 'king of the playground'.

At the time of writing no teachers could be found to intervene.

Monday, 20 September 2010

"We must hold our nerve," says Clegg. "Like Thelma and Louise," say voters.

More from the Liberal Democrat conference when I can bear to read more about it. Probably never.

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Cabinet Ministers show off new Fairtrade punkah-wallahs

The good old days

Today in Parliament many members of the Cabinet, who are either millionaires or Liberal Democrats, were showing off the latest accessory for very rich people: Fairtrade punkah-wallahs, sourced ethically from Indian villages and dressed in traditional colonial-era clothing.

Punkah-wallahs are servants whose job it is to constantly fan their master by manually swinging a fan attached to the ceiling. They have largely fallen out of fashion since the decline of the British Empire, surviving only in the best parts of Mayfair. "Part of it was just that the weather in Britain so seldom required it," explains Cherie Noughten of Vogue. "But global warming is sorting that out for us. And then for a long time there wasn't enough excess wealth swilling around in the trough to restart the fashion. Now the country is led by very rich people again it's the perfect time for punkah-wallahs to be rehabilitated."

In order to throw off any lingering whiff of colonial exploitation, each punkah-wallah now comes with a Fairtrade mark guarantee. "They're all paid more than adequate wages – for India anyway," explained one cabinet minister. "So there's even enough for their families to eat too. And some percentage of the money goes to community projects." When asked what the community projects were he shrugged, "I'm damned if I know what a punkah-wallah does with excess cash. Hire a punkah-wallah maybe?"

Meanwhile other MPs are complaining that the punkah-wallahs are taking up too much space on the benches in Parliament. "Admittedly it's cooler in there now," said one on condition of anonymity, "But now we have to really squeeze up on the benches and I don't think everyone uses deodorant. I'd really rather smell my own sweat than Denis Macshane's."

But with its new 'ethical cool' image, a punkah-wallah is the new must-have accessory around town and fashion experts don't think it's about to go away. "You've got to remember," said one, "The previous fashion for punkah-wallahs lasted several hundred years, so who's to say how long one this will last?"

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Grave of the Macarena discovered

FARC battle dance?
The Macarena, the one-time popular dance by Los Del Rio, has finally been discovered dead in La Macarena, a small town in Colombia, buried in a mass grave with 2000 other corpses. The dance, which is usually performed when so drunk that the event will not be remembered the next day, has fallen dramatically in popularity in recent years but its death is attributed to the 7th Mobile Brigade of the Colombian army who were in the area at the time. The army claimed that because of its name the Macarena had been appropriated as a battle dance by FARC guerillas based in the town, but denied killing 2000 other civilians in the hope of frightening the entire area into submission or appropriating the land belonging to the dead.

Juan Manuel Santos, former defence chief, now President of Colombia, called a press conference to announce that there were only 370 or so corpses in the grave at La Macarena anyway, and that definitely no corpses had been removed as the grave stood unguarded. "As for the missing dance," he went on to say, "The identity of the corpse of the Macarena is unconfirmed so it cannot be discussed." However controversy broke out when later in the day he was overheard to say of the Macarena, "But really, who will miss it? It was very uncivilised." Santos is known to harbour a deep hatred of tacky dance numbers and human rights activists.

Many have expressed relief at the death of the over-energetic dance but questioned the need for the military or their paramilitary allies to kill so many other people along with it at a time when Colombia was engaged in a 'peace process'. Tony Blair however put out a press statement expressing his admiration for Santos, who pays him as a consultant on foreign policy matters. "I'm sure if the dance or anyone else died it was for the greater good," he said in an interview. "Santos and I have a real connection you know? We have both helped bring greater security to the world, so I understand exactly where he's coming from. And you've got to admit that dance was annoying."

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Some person you've sort of heard of caught taking bad stuff, say weary journos

Bad stuff. Bad celebrity.

Journalists were once again forced to manufacture outrage today over some P-list celebrity who no one much liked anyway taking some drug that their readers either don't know anything about or do know about but quite like a bit of every now and then.

"It gets a bit wearing after a while," said Jeremy Thornton, a reporter with the Evening Sun. "So-and-so has been caught - or sometimes admitted to taking if they need a bit of extra publicity - X or Y drug, and this is very bad of them, and we all disapprove heartily and just think of the example it sets to the children. But really it all seems a bit pointless after the hundredth time you've done it, like having a wank just because Fiona Bruce is the newsreader that day. It's enough to make you take to drugs."

After decades of such stories being a staple of papers that think real news is too complicated for their readers, a malaise has taken hold across the whole of Fleet Street. A harassed editor who didn't wish to be named explained: "Journalists these days go to great lengths to pass the writing of these 'exposes' on to someone else - you know, going to the toilet just when you're looking for them, pretending to have Myxamitosis, whatever. I can't say I blame them - the stories are so formulaic you fall asleep writing them - but for god's sake that's what we pay them for."

Rumours suggest that last time a 'Half-famous-idiot-takes-evil-stuff' story came up at the Daily Express, most of the journalists pretended to be working on an important expose of the social attitudes of British troops in Afghanistan. "That Afghan story never appeared," admitted one of the journalists involved. "Or not in our paper. But really, who wants to write these stories? It's a complete nightmare when you're on a comedown I can tell you."

The outraged exposes nonetheless continue to appear in papers. "It's impressive when you think about it," said one commentator. "A real credit to the persistence of Fleet Street editors in rousing their journalists to give the old formula one more whirl before they all expire from exhaustion and self-loathing."

Monday, 13 September 2010

What to think about...a new runway at Heathrow

Artist's impression of tunnel linking new runway to old
This is an educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and those guys are bright sparks, hell yeah.

  • Airports are big modern things that help us be modern
  • We need to be modern so we can be rich
  • We need to be rich so we can build more airports
  • We are not rich enough right now because rich people can barely get into the country to share their riches with us because we have so few airports
  • If we build it, they will come

And now what not to think (incorrect mental processes to be corrected - be wary of them!):
  • Whoever is going to get richer from it, I bet it won't be me
  • But I still get the noise, the pollution, the dumb tourists and the global warming

Sunday, 12 September 2010

Teachers begin planning school trips to Iraq in wake of US withdrawal

Children set off to see the cultural riches of Iraq
Following the withdrawal of US combat troops from Iraq many are now asking whether it is time to start taking schoolchildren to Iraq. Renowned for its ancient history and unique ecosystems, Iraq has long been seen as prime destination for school trips. Some teachers have already begun planning to take their classes there.

"It was a bit tricky when Saddam was in power," explains Mr Hurst of Yarrow School, Brentwood. "You got followed around by secret police all the time. Then it was kind of risky for a while after the US invaded and some Iraqis weren't too happy about that, and sectarian groups waged a bit of a civil war against each other. Now it's all fine and dandy and I think its about time my kids got to learn about the place."

Mr Hurst admits that Iraq is not a destination for younger children. "It's a long way to go," he said. "The culture is quite different from ours, which can be disorientating, and of course it gets very hot in the desert."

Mrs Kenan of The Jemima Lyttleton School for Girls in Reading is also planning a trip to Iraq. "We're aiming for early winter this year," she said. "My girls can't wait to see the ruins of Babylon and the Mesopotamian Marshes. Some of them are learning Arabic and we're hoping to meet Iraqi girls we can do foreign exchanges with in the future."

Both teachers were enthusiastic about the poor availability of alcohol in Iraq following the Mahdi Army militia campaigns of recent years. "God knows we don't want a repeat of that trip to Kendal," said Mrs Kenan. "Gone are the days when girls are happy to stick with mint cake I can tell you. I'm not saying I agree with repeatedly beating anyone who sells alcohol with sticks, but if it means not spending a night in the hospital while Gemma Trotwood gets her stomach pumped I'm all for it."

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has issued a brief statement advising teachers: 'While Iraq is now a peaceful democracy, we recommend that teachers taking children there on school trips check our regularly updated travel advisory notices both before and during their journeys.'

Friday, 10 September 2010

Me on Newsbiscuit!

As some of you may know, I moonlight for the satirical website who are sometimes kind enough to publish things I write. Today I got the top slot on the front page with this story:

Impatient horde of Big Society volunteers still unsure what they should be doing

Thursday, 9 September 2010

Man decides to only oppose wars with memorable bad guys

The right Kadyrov?
David Lebworth, a committed liberal from Hammersmith, London, last night threw up his hands in disgust and declared that he was sick of opposing wars in countries where he could barely pronounce let alone remember the names of the bad guys. He will henceforth only oppose wars in countries like Uganda, where the bad guys have easy names. "'Joseph Kony' is fine, just fine," he said. "I mean he's not, he's an evil bastard, but I can pronounce him. So I'm against the Lord's Resistance Army."

Mr Lebworth, whose general anti-war sentiments remain unchanged, finally decided to become more selective about specific the wars he opposed upon reading that the leader of the Somali resistance group al-Shabab, properly known as Harakat al-Shabaab al-Mujahideen, is led by Sheikh Moktar Ali Zubeyr, also known as Ahmed Cabdi Godane. His immediate reaction upon reading this was to say "Oh for fucks sake!" and fling the paper on the floor of the pub where he was enjoying a quiet drink before bed.

"It just all got a bit much," he admitted the morning after reading the paper. "I'd only just got my head around which Kadyrov is which in the Chechen conflict - Ramzan is the authoritarian Russian-loving one in charge now by the way - and that was all fine, but suddenly this guy has two names, with three bits each, only some of which I know how to pronounce. Well, someone else will have to oppose the Somali war. I just can't do it any more."

Mr Lebworth's decision on which wars to oppose comes some weeks after he decided to only pursue women with job titles he understands.

Tuesday, 7 September 2010

No. 10 forced to deny impending return to Dark Ages as Tory MPs re-fortify their castles

Typical Tory MP's house, with fortifications in need of updating
The Prime Minister has denied that Britain is on the verge of returning to the Dark Ages after news leaked out that Tory MPs are re-fortifying their castles en masse. Most of the castles have not been properly fortified for between three and eight hundred years, but for modern fortifications contractors business is booming.

"They tell us they expect a return to the 'The old ways', as they call medieval times, any day now," one contractor explained on condition of anonymity. "They expect that the withdrawal of government services will create a new class of poor, or 'serfs' as they sometimes call them, and that it will be necessary to keep them at bay with fortifications and heavy weaponry."

The Prime Minister has had to defend his MPs not only against the charge of selfishly fortifying themselves while leaving middle class areas unprotected, but also against the charge that a return to the Dark Ages is in fact the desired outcome of the Tory policies. "There's a lot of nostalgia for Medieval times among the aristocracy and their hangers-on," explained a well-know commentator on stuff. "There is speculation that the government is using the deficit as an excuse to do what the Tories always want to do: cut spending, lower taxes on the rich, increase the gap between rich and poor, and reinstate feudalism."

Tory MPs have individually and collectively denied the charges levelled at them. "It's outrageous that people slander us so," spluttered Oswald Inkleby-Speringforth of Borrenshire when cornered on his estate after a rousing chase. "If I want to have the boiling-oil portals above my gate re-opened that's my business. These accusations get thrown around as though there's something wrong with adding a bit of bullet-proof plating to modernise the battlements. The only nostalgia I have is for when journalists used to show a bit of bloody respect. Now get off my land before I test out my new trebuchet on your head."

Sunday, 5 September 2010

What to think about... the Iraq War

This is the first in an educational series of posts called "What to think about..."  They are presented in a bullet-pointed stylee, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points.

Today I will be telling the world what to think about...

  • Saddam Hussein was a bad man who killed Kurds
  • Democracy is good and dictatorship is bad
  • A lot of people died but they were mostly not our people
  • You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs
  • Iraq is now an omelette

And now, for those prone to errors, what not to think:
  • The US currently shares intelligence with Turkey which is used to kill Kurds in Iraq
  • Somebody made a lot of money out of the Iraq war but it wasn't me

Those IRA chickens gave us eggs, say disappointed anti-Blair protesters

An all-too innocent egg
Disappointed anti-war protesters in Dublin have today lashed out at the IRA for failing to provide the correct weaponry for their attack on Tony Blair in a Dublin bookshop. "Those lily-livered IRA bastards, you can't trust them," one protester said. "We said to our contacts, we said GRENADES. Live ones. He deserves no less. And what did they give us? Eggs. Bloody eggs. What good are they? Are we meant to hope he'll die of salmonella poisoning?"

Several IRA members from Belfast are said to have persuaded the anti-war protesters that the eggs were in fact grenades that would explode on contact with evil. "We were expecting one almighty boom," admitted one of the plotters. "We were wearing ear plugs and everything. If you ask me the IRA have a soft spot for Blair after that peace process business. Either that or they really are chickens and so eggs are all they could give us." The interview ended when the activist began to make clucking sounds apparently directed at the IRA.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

After years of suspicions, man finds the monster under his bed

Since the age of twelve Mervin Thorpe of Beccles has suspected, often to the derision of friends and relatives, that a monster lurked beneath his bed. Now thirty-seven and having moved house several times since childhood, the fear has always remained with him. Yesterday his fears were finally realised: he found the monster beneath his bed.

"It's kind of humanoid," explains Mr Thorpe, "with sort of brown-coloured skin. It usually wears a veil, often half-covered by a hoodie, and lives like a gypsy. It has dreadlocks and likes to carry a koran, though I can't say I've ever seen it pray."

While no one doubts its existence, some have suggested that the creature is too small to be a real monster. "I admit I was taken aback by the size of it," said Mr Thorpe. "It is only one inch tall. I admit I was expecting something bigger. But that explains why it took so long to find despite having its own caravan, which, by the way, was filthy."

Mr Thorpe says he knew for sure it was the monster he had always feared when he found several tiny photographs of naked children in the monster's caravan. "That was it," he said, "Sure, the monster said they were just holiday snaps but I wasn't going to listen to its excuses. I caught it and put a collar round its dusky neck to make sure it could never be free again."

Mr Thorpe now keeps the monster and its caravan in a cage beside his bed. Channel 4 is planning to make a documentary about the two of them entitled "There really are monsters under the bed – how scared should we be?"