A festive apology

The Defendant would like to apologise for the interruption to your favourite satirical news service over the Christmas and New Year period. Politics stops during the festive season anyway, except in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan where they don't have Christmas because they are a bunch of savages. The delivery of bombs continues of course but Santa refuses to take them on his sleigh, preferring to remain neutral. Santa refutes all accusations that he is a coward, claiming instead to be Swiss.

Kurd-killing Saddam killed good Kurds, Kurd-killing Turks kill bad Kurds, explains US Army spokesman

Good kurds or bad kurds?

The US has today defended itself against accusations of hypocrisy for passing intelligence information to Turkey in order to help the Turkish army bomb Kurdish villages in Northern Iraq. President Bush had previously cited Saddam Hussein's murdering of Kurds as a prime motivation for invading the country.

A spokesman for the US Military explained the logic. "Saddam was a Kurd-killer, but he was a good Kurd-killer. The good Kurds didn't kill and so killing those Kurds was catastrophic. Turkey kills bad Kurds, and the bad Kurds kill, so Turkey killing Kurds is okay with us. The quality of Kurd-killing changes according to the quality of Kurds. Turkey killing Kurdish killers can't be critiqued."

When pressed on the issue of innocent civilian deaths, the spokesman went on to say, "Collateral Turkish Kurd-killing compromises killing quality but Kurdish killers must be killed by Turkish killers or bad Kurds will kill Turks. Everything clear?"

The spokesman was relieved of duties and taken to a lunatic asylum shortly afterwards

Teachers begin planning school trips to Iraq in wake of US withdrawal

Children set off to see the cultural riches of Iraq

Following the withdrawal of US combat troops from Iraq many are now asking whether it is time to start taking schoolchildren to Iraq. Renowned for its ancient history and unique ecosystems, Iraq has long been seen as prime destination for school trips. Some teachers have already begun planning to take their classes there.

"It was a bit tricky when Saddam was in power," explains Mr Hurst of Yarrow School, Brentwood. "You got followed around by secret police all the time. Then it was kind of risky for a while after the US invaded and some Iraqis weren't too happy about that, and sectarian groups waged a bit of a civil war against each other. Now it's all fine and dandy and I think its about time my kids got to learn about the place."

Mr Hurst admits that Iraq is not a destination for younger children. "It's a long way to go," he said. "The culture is quite different from ours, which can be disorientating, and of course it gets very hot in the desert."

Mrs Kenan of The Jemima Lyttleton School for Girls in Reading is also planning a trip to Iraq. "We're aiming for early winter this year," she said. "My girls can't wait to see the ruins of Babylon and the Mesopotamian Marshes. Some of them are learning Arabic and we're hoping to meet Iraqi girls we can do foreign exchanges with in the future."

Both teachers were enthusiastic about the poor availability of alcohol in Iraq following the Mahdi Army militia campaigns of recent years. "God knows we don't want a repeat of that trip to Kendal," said Mrs Kenan. "Gone are the days when girls are happy to stick with mint cake I can tell you. I'm not saying I agree with repeatedly beating anyone who sells alcohol with sticks, but if it means not spending a night in the hospital while Gemma Trotwood gets her stomach pumped I'm all for it."

The Foreign and Commonwealth Office has issued a brief statement advising teachers: 'While Iraq is now a peaceful democracy, we recommend that teachers taking children there on school trips check our regularly updated travel advisory notices both before and during their journeys.'

Commemorating nine years since the triumph of political extremists in the US, also 9/11 attacks

More later.

What to think about... the Iraq War

Iraq

This is the first in an educational series of posts called "What to think about..."  They are presented in a bullet-pointed stylee, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points.

Today I will be telling the world what to think about...

THE IRAQ WAR 

• Saddam Hussein was a bad man who killed Kurds
• Democracy is good and dictatorship is bad
• A lot of people died but they were mostly not our people
• You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs
• Iraq is now an omelette

And now, for those prone to errors, what not to think:

• The US currently shares intelligence with Turkey which is used to kill Kurds in Iraq
• Somebody made a lot of money out of the Iraq war but it wasn't me
  

Those IRA chickens gave us eggs, say disappointed anti-Blair protesters

An all-too innocent egg

Disappointed anti-war protesters in Dublin have today lashed out at the IRA for failing to provide the correct weaponry for their attack on Tony Blair in a Dublin bookshop. "Those lily-livered IRA bastards, you can't trust them," one protester said. "We said to our contacts, we said GRENADES. Live ones. He deserves no less. And what did they give us? Eggs. Bloody eggs. What good are they? Are we meant to hope he'll die of salmonella poisoning?"

Several IRA members from Belfast are said to have persuaded the anti-war protesters that the eggs were in fact grenades that would explode on contact with evil. "We were expecting one almighty boom," admitted one of the plotters. "We were wearing ear plugs and everything. If you ask me the IRA have a soft spot for Blair after that peace process business. Either that or they really are chickens and so eggs are all they could give us." The interview ended when the activist began to make clucking sounds apparently directed at the IRA.

Cat in bin causes more outrage than Iraq War

More soon. Or not.

Blair's memoirs 'mostly about a repressed Catholic sex life' say early reviews

More soon.