Wednesday, 22 June 2011

All parties unite to blame poor state of economy on elves

A typically large family of strutting parasites
This has been a week of unprecedented unity and understanding in British politics, according to Westminster watchers - some are even call it a beacon of hope for the future. The cause of this burst of optimism is the observation that amongst all their many differences, amidst all the usual squabbling and tit-for-tat blaming, all three major parties have at last found something they can all agree on: the dire state of the British economy is the fault of the elves.

A notoriously criminal and parasitic class of faerie folk, elves have been known to steal milk from doorsteps, turn it sour out of sheer spite, and even suck milk from the mouths of children of hard-working people. "I think we've all had just about enough of these little hooded imps stealing our milk," said Boris Johnson, interviewed dining at a restaurant. "They get everywhere and they breed like rabbits. The very thought of all those little elves shagging away like there's no tomorrow makes me sick. I think about it a lot I can tell you."

Some commentators suggest that the elves are too small to cause as much trouble as is attributed to them, but Ed Milliband, Labour Party Whipping Boy, said their size can be deceptive. "These sneaky, selfish elves are a drain on the hard-pressed hard-working taxpayer," he said. "In not working their alloted eight-hour day they also undermine our ability to be internationally competitive by offering enormous salaries to people who don't pay tax here."

In a surprising turn of events it seems that David Cameron agrees with him. "The problem with tolerating this endemic elf laziness is that it just isn't fair to the rest of us," he said. "If the elves don't pay taxes they shouldn't be hanging around on our doorsteps at all, let along drinking and smoking constantly with their ill-gotten gains." He declined to be drawn in who he meant by 'us' and 'our' but said that he had tasked a taskforce with the task of ridding the country of the elf menace.

According to Nick Clegg, credit for this display of unity belongs to himself and the Liberal Democrats. "Firstly I'd like to say that I would have loved to have been nicer to the elves," he said. "But the hard truth is that we have to deal with the milk deficit, and that means hard choices. It is our party that has pushed the Conservative Party towards the same position as the other parties, which is also the same position as the Daily Mail, which as the true voice of the people holds the only position possible. This is what coalition politics is all about."

The elves have not issued a statement in their own defence. Opinions are divided over whether this is due to their habitual laziness or to the fact that they do not have a press office. "In a way its their fault they get blamed for everything," said press expert, Marty Twite. "In this day and age everyone has to be more media-savvy. Why don't they have a press office? That's the question we need to be asking."

But whatever the elves think of all this - and no-one has asked them - it has been a heartening and positive week for politics-watchers in Britain. It seems that at last the parties are putting the old confrontational approach behind them, getting round the table and agreeing on a very important issue: that the economic woes of Britain are not their fault. As for those who like to say politicians live in a fantasy land, for once their cynical voices have been drowned out by a display of true unity.

The last word is Boris Johnson's, from that restaurant interview once again: "Look here," he said, staring at the statue of himself carved out of frozen milk on the table in front of him, "It is astonishing that we put up with this nonsense. It is unconscionable that in this country we allow the existence of such a feckless parasitic class, who take so much from us and give so little. Only an idiot would deny we need to do something about it."


  1. I heard that lots of elf children were being abandoned by their fathers at birth, leaving their poor idiot mothers to look after them alone! (Although, confusingly, I had previously heard that it was the fault of the mothers for being morally corrupt.) I think that the solution to this is to cap housing benefit so that they all have to live in a single room. If we are really lucky a resurgence in TB will finish them off, or if not, then the government can easily cull them to save the cattle.