Wednesday, 22 June 2011

All parties unite to blame poor state of economy on elves

A typically large family of strutting parasites
This has been a week of unprecedented unity and understanding in British politics, according to Westminster watchers - some are even call it a beacon of hope for the future. The cause of this burst of optimism is the observation that amongst all their many differences, amidst all the usual squabbling and tit-for-tat blaming, all three major parties have at last found something they can all agree on: the dire state of the British economy is the fault of the elves.

A notoriously criminal and parasitic class of faerie folk, elves have been known to steal milk from doorsteps, turn it sour out of sheer spite, and even suck milk from the mouths of children of hard-working people. "I think we've all had just about enough of these little hooded imps stealing our milk," said Boris Johnson, interviewed dining at a restaurant. "They get everywhere and they breed like rabbits. The very thought of all those little elves shagging away like there's no tomorrow makes me sick. I think about it a lot I can tell you."

Some commentators suggest that the elves are too small to cause as much trouble as is attributed to them, but Ed Milliband, Labour Party Whipping Boy, said their size can be deceptive. "These sneaky, selfish elves are a drain on the hard-pressed hard-working taxpayer," he said. "In not working their alloted eight-hour day they also undermine our ability to be internationally competitive by offering enormous salaries to people who don't pay tax here."

In a surprising turn of events it seems that David Cameron agrees with him. "The problem with tolerating this endemic elf laziness is that it just isn't fair to the rest of us," he said. "If the elves don't pay taxes they shouldn't be hanging around on our doorsteps at all, let along drinking and smoking constantly with their ill-gotten gains." He declined to be drawn in who he meant by 'us' and 'our' but said that he had tasked a taskforce with the task of ridding the country of the elf menace.

According to Nick Clegg, credit for this display of unity belongs to himself and the Liberal Democrats. "Firstly I'd like to say that I would have loved to have been nicer to the elves," he said. "But the hard truth is that we have to deal with the milk deficit, and that means hard choices. It is our party that has pushed the Conservative Party towards the same position as the other parties, which is also the same position as the Daily Mail, which as the true voice of the people holds the only position possible. This is what coalition politics is all about."

The elves have not issued a statement in their own defence. Opinions are divided over whether this is due to their habitual laziness or to the fact that they do not have a press office. "In a way its their fault they get blamed for everything," said press expert, Marty Twite. "In this day and age everyone has to be more media-savvy. Why don't they have a press office? That's the question we need to be asking."

But whatever the elves think of all this - and no-one has asked them - it has been a heartening and positive week for politics-watchers in Britain. It seems that at last the parties are putting the old confrontational approach behind them, getting round the table and agreeing on a very important issue: that the economic woes of Britain are not their fault. As for those who like to say politicians live in a fantasy land, for once their cynical voices have been drowned out by a display of true unity.

The last word is Boris Johnson's, from that restaurant interview once again: "Look here," he said, staring at the statue of himself carved out of frozen milk on the table in front of him, "It is astonishing that we put up with this nonsense. It is unconscionable that in this country we allow the existence of such a feckless parasitic class, who take so much from us and give so little. Only an idiot would deny we need to do something about it."

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Man takes pity on Eric Pickles, gets pocket picked for trouble

Pitying him didn't pay
A man has made a complaint to police after an incident today in which he met Eric Pickles, Secretary of State for CLaG, and left the encounter with several items missing from his pockets.

"The problem was that I felt sorry for him," said David Spittals, a warm-hearted man from Chipping Ongar. "I thought people are always taking the piss out of him for being a 'fat kid' bully and generally being enormous and so on, and actually he must be really unhealthy. I mean he can't want to be that shape. So he has a problem with weight control, and I thought, he's human too, even if he is a politician."

But upon hugging Eric Pickles Mr Spittals noticed a tugging at his pockets. "I didn't think anything of it at the time," he says, "But I checked my pockets afterwards and my mobile phone and a biro had gone missing. And a piece of string. Imagine! When I had just tried to be nice to him. You take pity on someone and that's what you get for your trouble!"

Police say they are investigating the incident as part of a series of 'related incidents'. They refused to be drawn on whether they were all related to Eric Pickles or whether other members of the coalition government have also been involved.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Talk to Frank No More

Today Frank, the well-known drugs advisor to young people, was found dead at his home in Bishops Stortford. Reports say he was curled up on the floor clutching at his telephone receiver with one hand and a bottle of valium pills with the other. The likely cause of death is drug overdose. His age is unknown but from his advice it has always been assumed he is middle-aged.

Grieving family members have spoken to journalists expressing their shock that 'their' Frank could do something so stupid as take drugs. "It's unbelievable really," said one family member who did not wish to be named. "I mean, he was a drugs advisor. How could he do such a thing? After all the sound advice he's given to children and teenagers over the years. It's like finding out Jesus smoked crack or something."

Police are attempting to reconstruct Frank's final hours, asking members of the public to come forward if they can help explain why Frank went off the rails so badly. People who knew him have already been speaking to the press. "The problem with Frank," said one friend, "Was that he was always a bit curious. Nothing worse than curiosity is there?"

There is no evidence that Frank has been a regular drug user. Rather the police suspect a sudden binge as a result of an internal battle that has been going on for some time. "It seems that Frank was a conflicted man," said one police officer off the record. "He had been struggling with the contrast between his own advice, which portrays drugs mostly in terms of their side-effects, and the fact that many of the people he knew had done them, and most of those had had a bloody good time."

More evidence for this theory has been offered in the form of a cryptic text to a friend in his final hours. The text read simply: 'F**k it got to be worth a try'. The friend had no idea what the text was about and is now very distressed he didn't respond. "I was busy getting wasted at the time," he admits, "But if I'd known the text was about drugs I would have replied – you know, just to say 'Don't try them all at once' or something like that.

But it seems that 'try them all at once' is exactly what Frank did when he finally gave in to temptation. In his last hours Frank is said to have taken ecstasy, cocaine, smack, crack, valium, ketamine, a bottle of Jack Daniels, mephedrone, speed, 2cb, 2ci, 3-meo-dmt and several joints of lethal 'skunk' cannabis. His last call, ironically, was to his very own Talk to Frank hotline. The organisation, grieving the loss of its inspirational head, has put out the following statement:  

We received a call at 4.21am yesterday morning from an unknown caller. His speech was slurred and his sentences unclear. He appeared to be asking the advisor what drugs he should take next. We informed him that we could not provide him with that advice. Unfortunately, since our operaters are unfamiliar with real life drug use they did not know what to do next. The line then went dead. It now appears that this call was from Frank.

Frank's personal assistant spoke to journalists about his reaction to his boss's death. "However sad I feel about his death, it does mean I will be working even harder from now on. It proves that our campaign to stop people taking drugs all these years is right. Frank took drugs. Now Frank is dead. That's what drugs do."

Frank's funeral will be attended by the many politicians who have supported him over the years.

Also posted on YourBrainOnDrugs 

Monday, 21 February 2011

Cameron campaigns to end 'state monopoly' in provision of wads of cash to politicians

More soon from the heart of Toryland, the land where everything is very, very simple: if it makes Cameron and his friends richer, it is good.

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

UK crime map undermining confidence

An artists impression of the Westminster crime map
As a map of UK crime statistics was today released to the public, the map has been hit by controversy over the areas of Westminster and the City of London, causing consternation among those who had hitherto trusted the police, politicians and statistics.

One user of the map Hamish Talbot from Birmingham, recounts his experience: "I looked at the Westminster map first," he says. "But instead of seeing crime statistics, I just saw this great black splotch. I tried refreshing, but it was still black, just black, like a pit. Then I realised, it wasn't that the data was missing. There were so many crimes in the area they just blotted everything out. All the colours merged into this sort of darkness. I stared at it and stared at it, hoping something else would appear, but nothing. It was just black - black, black, black."

Users had a similar experience with the City of London. "I thought it was just an ink splotch on the googlemap," said William Fortescue. "I was just about to email google to tell them they had blotted out the crime statistics when I realised I was looking at the crime statistics.  It was horrible. I felt like I was teetering on the brink of some dark chasm."

The controversy deepened when the police claimed they had not entered the crime statistics for Westminster and the City. "There were a few vehicle crimes, a few drunk and disorderlies," said the police spokesman. "That aside there are no crimes happening in those places, as you would expect. They are full of respected politicians on the one hand, and respected bankers on the other. We can't think of any reason why any of them should be arrested."

"I don't trust the statistics," said Eleanor Gibbon from Basingstoke. "Up to now I'd always believed everything statistics told me, even the ones that contradicted each other. But I can't believe our politicians are actually criminals. I mean, I know they lie all the time. And steal. And start wars. But serious crime? Come on now, they wouldn't be the top politicians in the country if they were criminals would they?

But the crime statistics have not gone away. Speculation mounts that they may have been entered on the map by a guilt-ridden civil servant. "Some people are feeling bad about some of the stuff we're doing at the moment," admitted one insider. When pressed to be more specific the source said, "Look, take a look at the modernisation of the NHS for example. Well it's not 'modernisation' is it? It's dismantling the NHS, but we knew people would go apeshit if we called it that so we came up with 'modernisation'. It sounded so...modern. Then we cherry-picked some cancer statistics to show how crap the NHS is, even though in general it provides comparable health outcomes to other countries for a lower cost."

But some say more is going on. Even spinning the dismantling of the NHS would hardly blacken the entirety of Westminster. Another source was more forthcoming. "Look, take the dismantling of the NHS," he said. "It will still be branded as the NHS, but organisations not in the NHS will procure health services from private companies not in the NHS, using taxpayers money. It is a massive subsidy from the taxpayer to private health companies - who have been lobbying government to get this. And by lobbying we mean paying. Some might call it corruption. Not me, I hasten to add, but some people less cautious than me might use that word.

"Or let's look at what's going to happen to the bureaucracy of the NHS. Clearly the bureaucracy will remain, possibly be even worse, but it will be outsourced. So, taxpayers money going to private companies, who may or may not be friends with government ministers. It's not corruption exactly, it just looks very like corruption, in the same way that the O2 still looks like the Dome even though it isn't the Dome any more."

Police have been alerted to the possibility of a massive crimewave in the Westminster area. They have announced that they are looking for a rogue civil servant who may be leaking data.

Monday, 17 January 2011

Kids refuse to grow up, believe David Cameron

Look, I know what I'm doing - I'm bigger and better than you
Today a classroom of 9-year-old children addressed by David Cameron on the topic of his NHS reforms pointed out that no, they weren't going to grow up, not for a few years, not even because the Prime Minister wanted them to. Then one child put up his hand and said, "But we still know enough not to believe you sir."

Mr Cameron accused the child of 'playground politics', then went on to explain to the class that the removal of the NHS structure in favour of a pseudomarket mechanism was 'modernisation' and asked 'if not now, when?'

At that point another child put up his hand and said, "When you say 'modernisation' you seem to mean 'fucking it up', so how does 'never' sound to you dickwad?"

Before leaving the school Mr Cameron arranged for both children to have detentions, then took ten minutes out of his busy schedule of media appearances to sell their school to a consortium of businesses interested in 'tailoring education towards the call centre sector'.