Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Shittiness of Afghan War proves my 'more shittiness' policy right, says Obama

More soon.

Clegg and Cameron hold Parliament and nation spellbound with Commons performance

David Cameron and Nick Clegg today ripped off their clothes during Prime Minister's Question Time and fucked each other there and then in a desperate attempt to distract the country from a crippling deficit, tax cuts for corporations, tax increases on spending, and sweeping cuts in public expenditure rolling back decades of progress made in forcing the government to pay for things that the corporations they support have no interest in providing.

To loud cheers from both sides of the house the two party leaders began by fucking each other on the green carpet of the house, then went on to do it doggy style over their seats. In a surprise move that will continue to generate column inches for months to come, it was Clegg who took Cameron from behind. The expression of pleasure on Cameron's face as this took place prompted many calls of 'Hyah hyah' from the back benches. MPs awarded marks as they watched for Style, Passion, Stamina and Finishing.

The speaker was content to let the performance continue, though when Clegg picked up the mace and fetched Cameron a few whacks on the posterior he did cry “Steady on now!”. Some have pointed out that his tone conveyed enthusiasm for the sight rather than genuine disapproval.

The performance finished in a rousing fashion when Clegg withdrew from Cameron, turned him around and came in his face. The spectacle earned a standing ovation that lasted several minutes longer than that for any parliamentary speech of the last twenty years.

Meanwhile the BBC has revealed that the performance was the most watched and recorded Prime Minister's Questions ever. Viewing figures reportedly rose dramatically throughout the thirty minute pounding as friends texted and called each other to tune in. Several recordings of the event are already on youtube. The BBC is planning to initiate legal proceedings to protect future DVD sales.

Cameron was quoted afterwards as saying, “It was a good Question Time. I've been wanting people to see what me and Nick can really do ever since we got into power. And no one asked anything about the privatisation of the NHS.” The division after the session suggested that Clegg had got the best of the exchange but Cameron was also said to be 'content' with the outcome.

BP stops pretending to be green. CEO throws hands in the air and says 'Fuck it, there's not much point now is there?'

More soon.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Celebrity couple wed in Darfur

It has emerged today that professional elf Orlando Bloom and catwalk model Miranda Kerr were married in Darfur, Sudan, last week. "We are doing this as a symbol of our solidarity with those caught in conflict," said a press statement issued from the helicopter that took the glamorous couple to the village where the wedding took place. The couple also hoped that the strange wedding location would raise the profile of the currently sidelined war. "The Darfur conflict is still going on," said Bloom. "It just slipped out of the news because of oil spills, the World Cup and so on. I guess I wanted to put it back on the map." After a moment's pause he added "It's in Africa. Kind of a bit north and a bit east."

As a UN Goodwill Ambassador this is not the first time Orlando Bloom has made an effort for the poor and helpless of the world. But never before has he risked his life for a worthy cause. "We selected a village in the heart of the conflict zone for the wedding," he explains. "And yes, we did have a hundred armed guards hired through a British mercenary company, but that village has been attacked three times in the last six months and over a hundred of its two hundred residents killed, so we were pretty on edge I can tell you."

The couple did not announce the location of the wedding beforehand, partly out of fear of being targeted by local militants and partly because of an exclusive deal with Hello magazine that required them to keep the location secret to prevent other photographers finding the wedding. Pictures of the wedding will appear in the magazine next week. Hello insiders claim that the dusty, desert-like location, the poverty of the villagers and the sheer number of weapons on display at the ceremony make the photoshoot "Our darkest work to date."

Saturday, 24 July 2010

Government to introduce new office for monitoring bureaucracy

The Prime Minister has unveiled plans for a new government office to fight bureaucracy. It's targets will involve monitoring the targets and monitoring of other government departments. The new anti-bureaucracy body is likely to be named BureauBureau, pending a decision by the committee responsible. It will be staffed by five hundred civil servants.

Friday, 23 July 2010

Trots, Liberals, Fags, Hippies evicted from Parliament Square

Parliament Square, much more interesting for tourists now
The long-running pro-democracy protest camp in Parliament Square has now been brought to an end by the authorities. The square has been fenced off to ensure it remains free. "Look here," said Boris with a flick of his hair. "When tourists come to Parliament Square they don't want to see a bunch of mangy protesters taking part in an active democratic process. They want to see a pristine patch of green that no one ever uses. Isn't that so much more civilised?"

The 'historic' if tedious patch of grass in front the Houses of Parliament has been the site of a pro-democracy protest for some weeks and has also reportedly become a refuge for homeless people. The Mayor cited the lack of running water as one reason the protesters could not be allowed to stay. "Look here," said Boris with a flick of his hair. "When protesting for your sacred right to govern yourselves it's simply ludicrous to have no decent source of water to mix with your single malt. These people are barbarians."

A spokesman for the police explained, "This is a public space. The last thing we want to do is let the public use it. Some of them have been drinking for god's sake. It's almost like Reading High Street. The point of public spaces is that in theory everyone should be able to use them, but in practice absolutely nothing should happen there. Our authority depends on ensuring this is the case." He went on to call the eviction 'a triumph for democracy'.

The pro-democracy demonstrators, a rag-tag bunch of Trots, Liberals, Fags and Hippies, could not be found for comment, on account of no reporter wanting to leave the office to talk to such scum.

Wednesday, 21 July 2010

'I was speaking in my role as loveable street urchin' clarifies Clegg after Iraq war 'illegal' gaffe

More soon.

Ridley Scott to direct Siege of Gaza: The Movie

The siege of Gaza is to get the Hollywood treatment this autumn in a rare Tinseltown venture into possible controversy. The feature film is to be directed by Ridley Scott, with Russell Crowe in the star role as a Turkish campaigner. The fictionalised account of the siege of Gaza, tentatively named 'Siege of Gaza', is billed as a 'heartrending tragedy of our times'.

"We will not shy away from showing the heartrending reality of the siege from all sides," said Ridley Scott. "But this isn't a film about politics, it is a film about opposing philosophies of violence and peace, and the human struggle against adversity.” The film reportedly culminates in a long and tragic scene on the Mavi Marmara in which Russell Crowe will die.

When asked whether a Turkish actor might not have been more suitable for the lead role the director said, "But don't you get it? Russell Crowe dies! It will be tragic and people will care!” Later during an interview on the set he went on to say, “Listen, I know how to engage American audiences. This film will probably end the siege or something. Okay, let me put it this way: I'm not planning a sequel. That's partly because in the film the death of Russell Crowe will cause the siege to be lifted, but there are other reasons too. Come on now, are you not entertained?” He then raised his voice and roared, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!? I love doing that. It really annoys Russell." A passing sound engineer who had dropped his microphone in fear at the shout hurriedly said he was very entertained. “You'd better be,” came the reply from Scott. “It's costing 600 million dollars so a lot of people will be disappointed if you aren't.”

Saturday, 17 July 2010

David Cameron to send daughter Nancy to Afghanistan

The Prime Minister of Great Britain, David Cameron, is to send his six year old daughter to Afghanistan this summer in an attempt to revive the allies' flagging efforts to wrest control of the country from the Taliban and other armed groups. "It will be fine," said Mr Cameron, when questioned about his daughter's safety, "She goes to a state school anyway. If I was prepared to do that did you really think I'd draw the line at Afghanistan?"

Cameron's wife Samantha, of aristocratic stock, is said to be ecstatic about the news. "It runs in the family," she said. "My great great great grandfather fought in the First Anglo-Afghan War." She refused to be drawn on the manner of her great great great grandfather's death. "We must be patriotic in war," she said. "And my daughter is showing the rest of the country the way."

The Cameron family neither confirmed nor denied rumours that their daughter is receiving private tuition in the recognition and extraction of precious metals. "That's a private family matter," said the Prime Minister's spokesman. "Though there are some things the daughter of a very rich family should know that are not taught in state schools."

British soldiers are said to have offered Nancy Cameron their flak jacket for the duration of her stay in Afghanistan. "We don't really use it," they explained. "It got boring drawing lots for it every day so now it just sort of hangs there in the tent. Lets face it if Johnny Taliban is going to get you that day he's going to get you."

The Prime Minister praised the selflessness of the soldiers, promising them they would be home soon. "You can come home just as soon as Nancy does," he said. "And she's coming home just as soon as she's defeated the Taliban and found some of that lithium they've got lying about. That's a Conservative promise, and we keep our promises."