Sunday, 25 July 2010

Celebrity couple wed in Darfur

It has emerged today that professional elf Orlando Bloom and catwalk model Miranda Kerr were married in Darfur, Sudan, last week. "We are doing this as a symbol of our solidarity with those caught in conflict," said a press statement issued from the helicopter that took the glamorous couple to the village where the wedding took place. The couple also hoped that the strange wedding location would raise the profile of the currently sidelined war. "The Darfur conflict is still going on," said Bloom. "It just slipped out of the news because of oil spills, the World Cup and so on. I guess I wanted to put it back on the map." After a moment's pause he added "It's in Africa. Kind of a bit north and a bit east."

As a UN Goodwill Ambassador this is not the first time Orlando Bloom has made an effort for the poor and helpless of the world. But never before has he risked his life for a worthy cause. "We selected a village in the heart of the conflict zone for the wedding," he explains. "And yes, we did have a hundred armed guards hired through a British mercenary company, but that village has been attacked three times in the last six months and over a hundred of its two hundred residents killed, so we were pretty on edge I can tell you."

The couple did not announce the location of the wedding beforehand, partly out of fear of being targeted by local militants and partly because of an exclusive deal with Hello magazine that required them to keep the location secret to prevent other photographers finding the wedding. Pictures of the wedding will appear in the magazine next week. Hello insiders claim that the dusty, desert-like location, the poverty of the villagers and the sheer number of weapons on display at the ceremony make the photoshoot "Our darkest work to date."


  1. Surely pictures of a marrage bettween an elf and a model is covered by the new extreme porn laws?

  2. Let's hope he introduced bows and arrows into these more primitive cultures..