Former anti-poverty campaigner repents of 'Politics of Envy'

It's what you've always wanted, even though you've never dreamt of it

Three months ago Janine Stonleigh was a committed political campaigner, having spent most of her adult life fighting for better services and greater support for poorer members of society. Today she hangs her head in shame at the role she was playing in the world. "I was deluding myself," she explains. "I thought that I was promoting a world in which resources are shared so that we all have a good quality of life. Now I realise that was just an unwitting pawn of the Politics of Envy."

Three months ago Janine Stoneleigh gave up campaiging for good. "I gave up the 'save our library campaign'," she says proudly, "I gave up the 'Keep granny warm' campaign to raise the winter fuel allowance. I gave up the 'Cook a meal for a single-parent-family' scheme I was participating in and promoting to give poorer kids a good start in life. I gave up the 'Free electric wheelchairs to free the disabled' campaign. I gave it all up."

 Janine finally saw the error of her ways when asked to take on one campaign too many. "Up until this point I was convinced I was just trying to help people," she explains. "I was sure that everyone would win from a more equal society. I even had the statistics to back it up. But what brought the whole house of cards down was someone asking me to help campaign for a 2% rise on the top two tax bands and an increase in capital gains tax above £500,000."

She suddenly saw all her 'anti-poverty' campaigns for what they were - a demand for handouts from the rich. "And I saw that it was just because we were all jealous. We wanted to be just like them. Oh I'd never actually thought it before, and no one I know from the old campaigns admits to it, but it's obvious isn't it? It's the Politics of Envy."

But it was worse than just wanting what the rich had. "I realised that if I carried on the way I was, we'd all end up bringing everyone down to the lowest level. Can you imagine it? We'd have city bankers living in council estates in Charlton. Yes, that's what would happen if we increased taxes on them. It's just not right. I can't believe I ever wanted that."

Within days of her Damascene conversion Janine had given up all her groups - all except the 'Save our local park' campaign that is. "It won't cost anything," she says. "It's already there. So that's fine. It's just anything that costs anything I can't get involved in. It's outrageous really, thinking that the we can 'set right' what the free market has decreed - just an excuse to try and get what we don't deserve. Yes, we all want our own castle but most of us don't want to work for it."

Without her campaigning Janine now has time to focus more on her job. "I'm actually working my way up the career ladder," she said. "My salary is already 10% higher than it was. It's not that I need more, but now I'm ambitious. I look at all those people above me earning more than me and I think 'I want that too'.

It seems that giving up the Politics of Envy has its benefits.

CEO 'totally deserves' 50% pay rise, says wife

The desk, sometime altar

Philip Black, CEO of a top retail consortium, has earned a 50% pay rise this year,  following ten years of similar annual pay rises, bringing his salary to £715,000, or £6.5 million including bonuses.

Other CEOs have praised his accomplishment, saying that Mr Black is one of the 'hardest working CEOs around', and his wife has said that he 'totally deserves it - he works like a navvy, poor thing'.

Philip Black first hit the 50% annual increase mark in 2000, as a reward for increasing the value of his company's shares by outsourcing half of the company's operations to India, where the salaries are a tenth of what they are in Europe.

The following year he received a 47% increase in his salary. While the increase in the value of shares was somewhat smaller than the previous year, the pay award came in recognition of his dedication to the job, as demonstrated by his availability to directors and clients at all hours of the day and night. "A middle manager is available only twelve hours a day," explained the renumeration committee, "So it is only fair that Mr Black, who is available 24 hours, be paid twenty times what they are paid."

In 2002 the company experienced a drop in share value but this was attributed to poor market conditions and Philip Black received a 49% pay rise as reward for moving his bed into his office so that he need not go home every night. This demonstrated a commitment unmatched except in the IT department, where top techies also habitually sleep in the office in order to increase their productivity and earn their £40,000 a year.

In 2003 Philip Black did 50% more work than in any previous year and forty times as much work as a low level manager in the company, or thirty times as many hours as one of his security guards. He was rewarded accordingly.

2004 was a dark year for Philip Black. His pay rise was only 31%, a mere 27 points above inflation. "Christmas that year was hard," he says, remembering the bad times. "I could barely look my wife in the eyes." But his wife stood by him. "Actually it was sweet," she said. "He was moping round the house like a lost puppy."

But 2005 turned things around for Mr Black, with a 54% pay rise. "There was no particular reason for that one," admitted a member of the renumeration committee. "Except that other CEOs were getting that too. In fact just to be safe we put it at 5% above what other CEOs were getting. I heard a lot of other companies were doing the same."

In 2006 Philip Black did not increase his personal productivity but the share price rose dramatically due to favourable market conditions. He received a 51% pay rise in recognition.

2007 was the year Philip Black became seriously dedicated to the job. "I remember thinking I'd better start justifying these pay rises," said Mr Black. "And since I was already working 18 hours a day and effectively on call for the rest of it, I began investigating the possibility of a time machine to make more hours in the day." But the time machine didn't work and Mr Black resorted to fitting a colostomy bag to himself so that he no longer needed to take toilet breaks. Everyone agreed that his 54% pay increase that year was richly deserved.

In 2008 Mr Black recognised that, while he had sacrificed his family life for his job, this was also true of many of his employees on £30,000 a year, many of whom he had asked to take a pay cut that year to help the company through the recession. It seemed he had to go further - fifty times further with bonuses taken into account - in order to justify his salary. Being unable to go any further by normal means, he hit on the idea of sacrificing not just his family life but his family. He killed his children on a makeshift altar in his office, burnt them and threw their charred corpses from a helicopter into the sea. "I still only got 49% that year though," he muses. "Funny how things work out isn't it?"

In 2009 Mr Black persuaded the company to provide a Lear jet for his private use. This shaved hours off his travelling time and earned him a 47% pay rise, taking his salary to 80 times that of an average employee in his company. "No one else showed such dedication in getting their travelling time down," said a friend. "The pay rise was inevitable really. It helped that they were worried he'd leave for another company of course. Because almost certainly no worthy replacement could have been found for a mere £530,000 a year plus a cap of £4 million on bonuses."

The 2010 pay rise of 51% is more of a puzzle, even to his wife. "It's true that last year he was doing 80 times as much as his average employee last year and 130 times as much as a toilet cleaner," she said, "but with the unemployment rate rising they all started working harder in fear of losing their jobs, so they kept pace with the him this year - for once." The surprise 51% pay rise was gratefully received by Mr Black. He awarded a 3% pay rise to most of his employees, 1% below inflation, and gave a rousing speech at the company annual conference exhorting his workers to 'give that little bit extra' to get the company through to the end of the recession.

Mr Black's pay rise for 2011 is as yet undecided. The renumeration committee is said to be considering a rise of around 50%, on the basis that 'he will almost definitely deserve it'.


For more on CEOs, see yesterday's link: aboutlordbrowne.com 

A site all about that interesting fellow Lord Browne

triflingoffence does not usually promote other websites but for this one an exception can be made - it is a site all about Lord Browne, who wrote the Browne Review of education and is a government efficiency advisor. He's a lovely chap and the politicians just can't get enough of him. Which is odd, considering his history...

http://aboutlordbrowne.com/

Cameron denies it will always be winter but never Christmas

A cold wind blows from the Palace of Westminster

In the wake of widespread disruption to the country caused by a combination of snow and angry demonstrators, David Cameron, Prime Minister and very rich man, has been forced to deny that he has done a deal with The Witch of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe fame to introduce a permanent freeze, and to cut Christmas this year and for the forseeable future.

"These are lies put out by Labour, and the Trotskyists, and the anarchists, and the public sector workers, and the low-income workers, and the unemployed, and the sick people, and the disabled people - basically, everyone who hates us because of what we stand for," explained Cameron to assembled journalists. "They can't stand it that we are winning and they want an excuse to riot, so they put out all this nonsense about me cutting Christmas and being on the side of darkness and winter and death. It's nonsense. I'm a very compassionate man. I've helped old ladies across roads. I have to listen to them moan about how I'm taking their pensions away, but I do it anyway, because that's the kind of guy I am."

But many people have drawn the connection between the unusually harsh, snowy start of winter and the policies of the coalition government. "It's just too much of a coincidence," said John Terence of Nottingham. "A bunch of cunts get into power, suddenly there's snow everywhere. I'm worried, and I think he might have cut Christmas. He'd cut anything, that bastard, and it won't affect him, because you can bet he'll just go off on holiday to somewhere that still has Christmas. Well it's all very well for him, but I can't afford to go away and I need an excuse to drink the good whisky."

Hannah Ringley, a nine-year-old from Newport, uses more moderate language but is equally concerned. "I don't think Christmas will ever come," she said, a glum expression on her face. "It's so cold outside that I just sit inside and watch television. But all I see is that David Cameron man. He's always smiling but it looks fake and I think he might be lying. I think he might have killed Christmas without telling anyone. I bet he's killed Santa too."

Meanwhile media commentators have been debating whether, if David Cameron has indeed done a deal with the Witch to prevent the arrival of Christmas, he may in fact have good reasons for doing so. "There could be sound economic reasons for introducing the permanent freeze but preventing the approach of Christams," said Quentin Potts, a person with a column. "If for instance he is trying to drive down the deficit by ensuring everyone has to spend lots on fuel and also keeps buying presents for a Christmas that never comes, he could be doing just the right thing."

Penelope Tunney, another person who gets to talk in the national media agreed. "It might on the face of it look bad if he has done a deal with the evil Witch, but I'm sure he would be acting in the national interest, and he has the backing of the British people because they voted for him. Some of them. And he's always struck me as a very reasonable person whenever we've had dinner together. Yes, if he's done a deal with the Witch then he's got a democratic mandate to do that and I'm sure he'll be proved right in the end. We're all in this together, remember? I'm sure he has good reasons. Just turn the heating up to full. If you can afford it."

But Paul Simpson, a seven-year-old from Berkshire, is taking a different line. "If David Cameron is thinking about cutting Christmas," he said as he strapped his silver plastic sword to his waist, "Then that means he's a bad guy and I'm going to fight him. And if the evil Witch is in parlyment then we have to fight parlyment too or she will stay there forever and we will all be cold forever. I don't want winter to last forever. I want summer back again."

Word 'fairness' found buried near A10 layby

The body was found here

The word 'fairness' was today discovered by police buried in a shallow grave off the busy A10 between London and Cambridge. A police spokesman announced the discovery in a sombre news conference, explaining to gathered journalists that it was 'one of the most inhumane and callous crimes' he had ever investigated.

Examination of the body reveals that the death of the word was neither slow nor painless. "We think this word was kidnapped some time ago," said the police spokesman, "By persons unknown - and it was more than one person we are sure. It was then held in captivity for months. There are signs of extreme ill-treatment and torture during that time. Forensic examinations show that the word was repeatedly raped by multiple people. We think it may also have been subjected to being dragged along on a rope behind a fast-moving vehicle, which may have been what killed it. It was finally dumped in this layby when its captors were tired of their sport."

The senior police officer wept as he spoke, and many of the assembled journalists could barely contain their horror at the treatment meted out to the word 'fairness'. Many of them afterwards spoke of the difficulty they would have in covering the story 'objectively'. One journalist who saw the body has taken himself off the story. "The body of 'fairness' is battered and malnourished and its face is...horror," he wrote in an email to his editor. "Such was the degradation it was exposed to that death probably came as sweet relief." He went on to say he could not cover the story "because if I even suspect who did this I will want them hung by the neck until dead, tomorrow, without trial."

The police have launched a massive investigation in an attempt to find the killers, but they are working with few clues and say that people have been reluctant to come forward. "People are scared," said the police spokesman. "They're thinking: if they would do that to an innocent word then god knows what they would do to someone who tried to bring them to book. But I urge you to come forward and not live in fear."

Meanwhile the only lead the police have to go on is 'an address in Westminster'. But they say that lead gives them little hope. "Whoever these people are, they are very clever, cold and calculating, and they are good at covering their tracks." said the spokesman. "We don't have much hope of catching them but we have to try, for the sake of 'fairness' and of justice."

Reports reach the Council of Elrond that Cameron has the One Ring

Today news was brought to the Council of Elrond in Rivendell by Gloin of the Dwarves that David Cameron, Conservative Leader and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is now in possession of the One Ring, and that the Ringwraiths have been seen abroad once more in the areas South and North of the River Thames.

The One Ring was forged by Thatcher in the fires of Mount Mordor and habitually perverts the minds and hearts of those who own it, weighing heavily even upon its wearer and turning those who lust after power into monsters. Thus, upon hearing the news, Gandalf, a wizard of no fixed abode, dropped his head upon the council table in despair. "Alas! It as I feared!" he groaned. "All is lost!"

"We of the elves are also not surprised by this news," said Elrond, the initiator of the council. "We knew that Cameron had some dark power to take so much away from so many people and yet go unopposed."

"And yet live!" roared Gimli, another dwarf present at the council. "My axe is sharp and my will is strong. I'll bring you his head in bag before the week is out!"

Then spoke Aragorn son of Arathorn, with a deep note of sadness in his voice. "No my brave friend," he said. "It will not be so easy. He is well-guarded behind anti-terrorist police gunmen."

"And alas," said Boromir, a human present at the council. "Our list of allies grows ever shorter. I bring news that Labour, though still claiming to oppose the Tories, have been playing us false. They too stand with Cameron and his Ringwraiths, those bankers so perverted by the dark powers of the Ring that they are no longer human. Their project to steal everything from everybody in the world draws closer to its conclusion."

"There is no hope so long as Cameron keeps his finger in Thatcher's Ring," said Gandalf, and he leaned heavily upon his staff and shook his head.

"Then we must take it and destroy it!" cried Legolas, a Silvan elf of the Woodland realm, whose distinctly unelf-like character often passes unnoticed among fans. "Let us set forth right now!"

"And yet who could bear such a burden?" said Elrond. "Not you Legolas. Not me. Not Gandalf. Once it were in our possession we would all be sullied by Thatcher's Ring and the lust for power that comes with it."

It seemed at this moment that all hope was lost, but there were also at the Council of Elrond a pair of hobbits, small and humble creatures with hairy feet. One of these, Frodo by name, a meek but courageous creature, stood up and said, "I will take the Ring from Cameron."

A great silence settled upon the circle, and those gathered there bowed their heads in acknowledgement of the sacrifice. Then said Aragorn son of Arathorn, "Here, take my flak jacket. It's the least I can do."

And Elrond spoke to the other hobbit, one Samwise Gamgee, and said, "You take my Blackberry Sam. You'll need to stay connected."

And Gimli passed Frodo his helmet and said, "I suggest you wear this. It's too big for you so it will cover your eyes and your ears - that way you won't know what hideous things the papers and tv are saying about you."

"And take this," said Boromir. "A sudoku book to lighten the long hours in the police cells."

And so the hobbits took their gifts, with fear and trepidation in their hearts but no lack of courage, and set forth upon their quest.

DHL wins contract to transport new graduates to jobs

A graduate-sized box, wrapped as a giant gift to the employer

The government has announced today that DHL has won the lucrative contract to deliver graduates, newly qualified and boxed, to their employers. Insiders say that the German company beat off stiff competition from Fedex, TNT and Parcelforce because at similar prices to the other bidders they also offered to install conveyor belts from the platforms of graduation halls across the country out to temporary loading bays. The new graduates will walk up to the platform to receive their qualification, which in most cases will be a facsimile, and then step straight onto the conveyor belt to be dropped into an appropriately size box, which will have airholes and a small stock of liquids and snacks for the journey.

This process, which DHL describes as 'the most efficient delivery of graduates to jobs anywhere in the world', is part of a wider government plan to allocate graduates to wherever they will be most economically active and offer best value for money. The government says that their reduction in corporation tax over the next few years will also represent an increase in value for money, since employers will get 'well-packaged industry-oriented graduates at a lower cost to themselves.'

However Serco, the company tasked with allocating students to their new roles, has admitted to some difficulties in placing certain students. "Obviously the scientists and lawyers and so on can go straight to their designated roles in industry," explained a spokesman. "Social science students will mostly be placed in HR or marketing roles. The arts students we struggled with for a while but then we discovered this whole sector called 'the creative industries' so we're pretty sure we can offload them."

But it is with philosophy students that Serco has had the most trouble. Eventually they located a small, somewhat barren island off the coast of Scotland in need of labourers to till the rocky, unyielding soil. "It's very isolated there and there's not much to do besides philosophise," explained Serco. "So what with philosophy graduates being otherwise economically inactive we figured it was a good match." One philosophy student, asked to comment on the plan, cryptically referred to it as a 'valid metaphor'.

Meanwhile DHL say that they have been working on streamlining the delivery processes even more since submitting their bid. "We asked some economics students to help us, and it turns out that if you don't put airholes in the boxes, and you don't give the package - sorry, person - any food or drink, you can actually save a lot of money. It does mean that about one in every six hundred dies of asphyxiation, and about one in every two thousand dies of thirst, but even factoring in the revenue losses it still works out cheaper for us."

However in an ironic twist it will only be economics graduates transported in this low-cost manner. "We discovered that it breaches human rights or something," said a DHL spokesman, "But then we looked into it further and realised that human rights don't cover economists. Since the triumph of the Chicago School within the discipline it turns out they aren't human any more - they have all been transmogrified into robotic drones for a fundamentalist ideology. So that will save us some money."

DHL has also won the contract to find new homes for lecturers and professors who are likely to undermine ratings in the new 'Research Excellence Framework'. Again they have had trouble finding somewhere to transport those with an inability to adjust to the new culture of 'excellence' and 'value' within universities. Eventually a home was found for them in Timbuktu, Mali. "We know it sounds like the punchline to a cheap joke," said a spokesman. "But it turns out Timbuktu had this ancient and - dare I say it - old-fashioned university, where knowledge and learning were valued as good things in themselves. We thought they'd feel at home there." The transport of inefficient faculty members will begin sometime in 2011.

The government has said it is pleased that universities are now going to have more contact with such a successful company as DHL, and already many university presidents, provosts, deans and rectors see the company as an example to universities. "We long for the day when we too can be as efficient as DHL," said Sir Keith O'Nions, Rector of Imperial College. "In fact I'm a little jealous of their motto and I've wondered if they'd mind us using it: Excellence. Simply Delivered. So you see we're effectively in the same business. I think this will be a great partnership."

We Are All Windows Now

A diverse and vibrant community worthy of the protection of the state

In the wake of the minor facebook viral success of my National Day of Mourning declared for windows of Millbank Tower (I say minor - this blog is usually just read by my friends so it has boosted traffic way above the norm. Hello to all the lovely people I don't know and please do sign up to the feed or Twitter updates) I am pleased to see that people have begun to recognise the key part that windows play in our political life. Someone has even created a facebook page Become a Window (G'wan, say you 'like' it).

Upon reading this it struck me that we have reached an important moment in the history of British politics: the moment when the British people, tired of being treated as mere statistics and objects by their 'superiors', can finally get their revenge by becoming objects. While on the face of it this plan appears counter-intuitive, even crazy, it is actually the best thing to happen in British politics since Thatcher died (Editor's note: she's not quite dead yet, despite haunting us all - please amend for final post). The beauty of it is that, by becoming windows (or other object of your choice) we will in one fell swoop qualify ourselves for (a) the protection of the courts (b) the protection of the police and (c) the blind affections of journalists.

As windows then we will no longer be abused by the police and their arbitrary powers, we will be able to assert our right to a life of ease and leisure sitting within a supportive frame, and above all our voice will be heard within public political discussion. On these building blocks I am fairly sure we can reconstruct politics in Britain from the ground up. From the mindless oppression of the windows of Millbank Tower then it appears that some good has come, their shattering sacrifice has not been in vain - all that is required is that each of us stand up and say 'I am a window too!'

National Day of Mourning declared for windows of Millbank Tower

An extremist lets everyone down

In the aftermath of the student riots, and as the nation surveys in horror the wreckage of Millbank Tower, Westminster, the Prime Minister today announced that there was to be a National Day of Mourning for the lower windows of Millbank Tower. He spoke in Parliament with quiet dignity and a solemn demeanor to announce the Day of Mourning, saying that "Every shard of glass from those windows cut me to my very soul."

"We are all horrified at the loss of these windows and the vicious, mindless aggression that caused it, and this day will help people going through the different stages of grief," he went on to say. "In particular my heart goes out to the nation's journalists, who seem utterly inconsolable. It touches my heart that those who have been so stoical in the face of the cuts we have made, cuts that will result in mental health problems, family breakups, homelessness, stress, and even death, have yet dug deep within their hearts to express pain, disappointment and grief at the loss of those fine windows, once polished proudly every day by our minimum wage cleaning contractors."

The Prime Minister went on to pay tribute to Aaron Porter, president of the National Union of Students. "The temptation must have been so strong," he said, "To stand behind those he represents and their expression of dissatisfaction and rage. Instead he too felt deep compassion for those simple, innocent panes of glass. There goes a true man, thought I, when I saw him refuse the temptation to say that we deserved it."

At several points during the speech the Prime Minister almost gave way to his emotions, even brushing away a tear at one point as he spoke of the tenacity of journalists who "by their refusal to distinguish between violence against people and violence against property, are making a stand for the rights of windows everywhere."

The Prime Minister went on to thank all those who, while denouncing the violent demonstrators, had never once referred to his own cutbacks as violent, nor his waging of war in Afghanistan, nor his refusal to roll back the anti-terrorist laws that grant the police more power than ever before. "It is these fine distinctions in definition," he said, "And it is in the beautiful poetry of asymmetrical denunciation, that civilisation thrives. Me, I like civilisation. It's worked so well for me. So thank you."

The National Day of Mourning for Millbank's Windows will be this Tuesday, 16th of November. When asked after the speech whether people would get the day off work for the Day of Mourning the Prime Minister's spokesman quickly made it clear that this would not be the case. "We're trying to get people to work more, not less," he said. "Just mourn in your hearts, okay? And get on with your work. It's what the windows would have wanted."

Intrepid journalists do battle with facts in national media

The ever-tranquil British populace at play

Observers of the national media have in recent weeks noticed an interesting and heroic trend among journalists and commentators in the press, on television and even on the radio. The heroic efforts have been directed against a remorseless and tireless enemy: historical facts. The battlefield has been the question of whether British people are the sort of people who might take to the streets in violent opposition to abusive or incompetent leaders, and the plucky underdogs in the media seem surprisingly sure of their ground.

"It's very clear that the British aren't like the French," said one commentator indistinguishable from all the others. "We simply have no history of demonstrating like the French do. It's pretty much their first reaction to anything - to go out and protest. While British people just sort of sit at home and moan a bit. That's why the French had a revolution and we didn't."

At present the journalists and commentators appear to be winning the battle, but historical facts, needing neither food nor drink nor cocaine in order to keep going, have a habit of making a comeback when least expected. We await the outcome with baited breath

In the meantime, since triflingoffence aims to entertain as well as inform, we have, in a burst of altruism, devised a quiz for journalists who have repeated themselves so often they must be on the verge of killing themselves to end the boredom. The fun-filled task is to trace the source and historical context of the following quotes from history. The only tool necessary is Google which, judging from the quality of their output, most journalists are more than familiar with.

We see that things have now come to extremities, and we will prove the extremity. We will rend down the hedges, fill up ditches, and make a way for every man into the common pasture. Finally, we will lay all even with the ground, which they, no less wickedly than cruelly and covetously, have enclosed.

Still, enclosure is the kind of thing that people forget in a hurry, like Big Brother contestants.

One thing I must tell you more..... 

Break in pieces quickly the Band of particular Property, disown this oppressing Murder, Opression and Thievery of Buying and Selling of Land, owning of landlords and paying of Rents and give thy Free Consent to make the Earth a Common Treasury without grumbling.....that all may enjoy the benefit of their Creation.

The language of the two above gives away their age, but some of the themes tend to crop up repeatedly.

We are bowed down under a load of taxes; which, notwithstanding, fall greatly short of the wants of our rulers; our traders are trembling on the verge of bankruptcy; our workmen are starving; capital brings no profit and labour no remuneration; the home of the artificer is desolate, and the warehouse of the pawnbroker is full; the workhouse is crowded and the manufactory is deserted. We have looked upon every side, we have searched diligently in order to find out the causes of a distress so sore and so long continued. We can discover none, in nature, or in providence. Heaven has dealt graciously by the people; but the foolishness of our rulers has made the goodness of God of none effect.

It seems unfair to rely on such studied rhetorical flourishes, so over to someone who never indulged in such things.

It is a conflict which, if it is fought out to a conclusion can only end in the overthrow of parliamentary government or its decisive victory.

Ho hum. And finally, a first hand report.

Another rush from the crowd, running madly. Somebody grabbed me from behind. I spun around. "It’s alright, it's only me". A friend thank god. Hands held. "Don’t run, that’s what they want". I’m running because I don’t want to get trampled. We get out of the crowd for a breather, talking excitedly, then look down the road to see smoke billowing out, something’s on fire. The news spread quickly down to us, "What's burning?" "South Africa House", "South Africa House has gone up in flames". Sheer ecstasy. The joy on people's faces as this news spread.

Osborne: 'A multi-class society has failed - it's time to try integration'

Solidarity of the declasse

In a landmark speech to parliament yesterday the Chancellor George Osborne announced that he believes that the 'multi-class' experiment has failed. "The middle classes don't talk to the working classes because they're scared of them. The working classes don't talk to the middle classes because they think they've got a broomstick stuck up their arse. I don't know about your criteria for failure, but that meets mine."

The Chancellor's solution is a radical one: he is to abolish the middle classes and integrate them into one great 'melting pot' of workers, who will work longer hours, with less job security, for more years, and for less pensions than ever before. "I think worker's solidarity is a lovely thing," said Osborne. "And with the help of my policies there's going to be a whole lot more of it, because no one will be putting on airs and graces when they get their house repossesed."

Osborne also suggesting that the expanded working class be renamed the 'working and not working class', since this will also vastly increase the number of people in what some have dubbed his 'super-class'. "The Tory party is and always has been the party of 'inclusivity'," he explained. "And it seems unfair that a large percentage of the population of the country who could be working would be excluded simply because there isn't any work to be had except for bailiffs and soldiers."

However critics of the new class 'integration' claim that Osborne is being less than honest with his claim that 'we are all in this class together'. "I hate to have to point this out," said one commentator who didn't wish to be named for fear of being thought a raving Commie, "But there's one class still not integrated in this super-class - which I think is a lovely idea by the way - and that's the class beginning with 'U'. If Osborne isn't sure what it is or where to find it, I'll give him directions to the Cabinet meeting room and a mirror to place on the table."

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats responded to criticisms of the 'super-class': "Yes, there has been a lot of naysaying. We may have been naysayers ourself once upon a time. We have the capacity to change, and to say yea as well as nay, sometimes in the same week. There's nothing wrong with that, or with anything, if you ask us at the right time of day. Getting the right time of day is kind of tricky I admit, particularly since I couldn't tell you what right or wrong is any more, or the difference between yes and no, and, wait...what was I talking about? Yes, the elimination of the middle class. Thumbs up from us!"

Noel Edmunds to launch 'Instant Homes' scheme

Mental powers to house?

Noel Edmunds, more usually known for a string of inexplicable television programmes, is to spend the next stage of his career promoting a new way for young people, who will soon all be ineligible for council housing and also priced out of the housing market, to get their own homes.

"I call the new homes 'Instant Homes'," explains the celebrity presenter. "All it requires is will-power and positivity. What you do is, you shut your eyes and IMAGINE the house you want. You imagine just as hard as you can, you really focus on it, and before you know it, you're starting to feel warm and comfortable and you know where your fridge is. You bring your home into reality INSTANTLY with the power of your mind. That's it. Nothing more to it."

Many people have tried to solve the problems for young people caused by the housing bubble, in which property prices are held artificially high by a combination of property speculators, buy-to-let landlords and second homeowners. But never before has the mind of Noel Edmunds been turned on the issue and some see it as cause for renewed hope. The government has cautiously welcomed his intervention in a problem they have been unable to solve themselves. "But we are concerned that a sudden increase in the supply of housing could drive down prices," said a government insider. "Which would be great for young people, obviously, but terrible for people who already have houses. Well, not terrible, just inconvenient. But we don't want it to happen because it's the kind of thing that loses elections."

Edmunds has responded by saying that 'The government's obsession with money money money shows that they have lost sight of what is important in life'. Since returning from the grave Noel Edmunds has proclaimed his adherence to bafflingly implausible self-help philosophies and has promoted them via the medium of television. This time Noel Edmunds is to come directly to the homes of anyone who phones his 'I Want A House To Party In Too' hotline, to explain to them how they can get their own home that very day. The visits will then be filmed and broadcast as a documentary called 'Noel Edmunds saves the World'.

Some have pooh-poohed the whole idea of 'Instant Homes', saying they are unlikely to keep anyone warm for long, and that the government would be better off taking measures such as building more council housing, or taxing well-heeled amateur buy-to-letters out of the market, a move it was unwilling to take while Tony Blair, a well-heeled amateur buy-to-letter, was in power. Noel Edmunds has responded in turn by calling his critics 'Destructive purveyors of negative energy'. He said "While I provide homes for people, INSTANTLY, they just provide naysaying and 'economics'. I'm having none of it, and if you want to be able to have your own home this side of sixty, call my hotline NOW. Don't say nay, say yay!"

Psychiatrists across Britain urge end of denial, acceptance of need for a good length of 2"x4"

Scouts, Guides, Cubs, Brownies finally rise up to save Empire

One of many scouting rallies taking back the streets from yobs and wastrels

In fulfilment of the hopes and dreams of their founder, Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell, the Scouts, Guides and their affiliated groups have this week finally risen to the challenges of the era and taken on their rightful roles as saviours of the British Empire.

Baden-Powell's youth paramilitary organisations have until recently been known more for their skills at lighting fires, camping and smoking behind Akela's back than for an aggressive stance towards lesser peoples, but Baden-Powell, whose aim was to train the young to lead the Empire to ever greater heights, would surely be proud of them if he could see them now.

Scouts and Guides entered parliament a few days ago and threw out the 'lily-livered' Tory-Liberal coalition. They have since installed an aristocratic/scouting/military junta led by the Duke of Edinburgh. "I'm thrilled we can finally have a go at those savages," said the Duke as he prepared to lead his youthful new troops in a victory lap of central London. "They've had it coming for a while I can tell you. Better late than never, what?"

A spokesboy for the Scouts confirmed that "The time for political correctness is over. The time to thrash the brown-skinned johnnies until they beg for mercy is here." He then raised the Union Jack, saluted the flag and forced the assembled journalists to pledge allegiance to the Queen. The Queen has expressed 'delight' at the surprise turn of events, and looks forward to taking on the title of 'Empress' more usually associated with her ancestor Victoria. She is also said to be privately convinced that war abroad will do more to benefit the flagging British economy than any number of public sector cutbacks.

The army, all of whose senior commanders have now been replaced by competent Scout Sixers, is already preparing to re-enter many of the African colonies. Plans are also afoot to take back India, the jewel in the imperial crown, but such a labour-intensive undertaking takes preparation, says Girl Guide, Teresa Thompson. "We plan an aggressive recruitment drive, mostly on council estates. We'll whip the hoodies and chavs into shape and make them a prime colonial expeditionary force in no time using Baden-Powell's time-honoured principles as laid out in Scouting For Boys: clean living, knot-tying, tracking wild animals and curtailing your masturbatory activities. Really, he wrote about the evils of masturbation in Scouting For Boys. Little-known fact."

When asked how they intended to deal with the war in Afghanistan a spokesman for the new Scouting Junta said, "We'll get the blinking blazes out of there I should say, and pretty damn sharpish. Haven't you lot read any colonial history? If not, we'll be introducing a new 'History of the Empire' badge next week. It will be compulsory - this is an Empire, not a democracy. Now, when did you last polish your shoes, and where the hell is your woggle?"

What to think about...bankers

The beautiful product of beautiful minds

This is another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I take all my advice from glorified accountants.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT BANKERS

• Bankers are the cutting edge of a financial system based on risk and monopoly that has made certain people in the world very wealthy (check your bank account now to see if you are one of these people)
• They brought the world to the brink of economic collapse in a climate of deregulation, partly because they were skimming so much off the top for themselves that they just couldn't bring themselves to stop
• No one can excuse the risks they took or how much they pay themselves or their disregard for wider society
• Nothing has changed in the way they work or the system they work within, but the government fully intends to do something about it any day now
• Ooh look, a pigeon with a deformed beak!

And what not to think (results of mental programming errors):

• I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
• I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
• Focus! Remember what we were talking about! 

Cameron claims Thatcher was 'a bit of a pussy' on public sector cuts and fighting miners

A weakling

David Cameron today announced that he has always consider Margaret Thatcher 'a bit of an amateur, even a bit of a pussy' when it came to slashing government budgets and fighting miners.

"For one thing, she was so wet that she never got rid of the NHS," he pointed out. "I mean, that's got to be first on the hit list if you want to slash public spending, right? It's not like anyone needs it. We all have private health insurance these days. If you don't, get some fast is my advice."

When asked why he also considered Thatcher 'something of a wimp' when it came to fighting miners, Cameron said, "It wasn't her fault. The problem with Thatcher was that she was a woman." He then stood up from his seat, ripped off his shirt and began making fighting postures towards the camera. "She never got into the violence personally! So gentle and feminine, was Maggie! For jobs like this you need a man. Come on miners! I can take you! You should have seen me at school boxing club! You don't stand a chance!"

When it was pointed out to him that his threats were rendered somewhat hollow by the fact that there aren't any miners left, he calmed down, put his shirt back on and said, "That's as may be, but you just wait till I'm done with the NHS. It'll make Maggie look like some kind of pansy."

No. 10 forced to deny impending return to Dark Ages as Tory MPs re-fortify their castles

Typical Tory MP's house, with fortifications in need of updating

The Prime Minister has denied that Britain is on the verge of returning to the Dark Ages after news leaked out that Tory MPs are re-fortifying their castles en masse. Most of the castles have not been properly fortified for between three and eight hundred years, but for modern fortifications contractors business is booming.

"They tell us they expect a return to the 'The old ways', as they call medieval times, any day now," one contractor explained on condition of anonymity. "They expect that the withdrawal of government services will create a new class of poor, or 'serfs' as they sometimes call them, and that it will be necessary to keep them at bay with fortifications and heavy weaponry."

The Prime Minister has had to defend his MPs not only against the charge of selfishly fortifying themselves while leaving middle class areas unprotected, but also against the charge that a return to the Dark Ages is in fact the desired outcome of the Tory policies. "There's a lot of nostalgia for Medieval times among the aristocracy and their hangers-on," explained a well-know commentator on stuff. "There is speculation that the government is using the deficit as an excuse to do what the Tories always want to do: cut spending, lower taxes on the rich, increase the gap between rich and poor, and reinstate feudalism."

Tory MPs have individually and collectively denied the charges levelled at them. "It's outrageous that people slander us so," spluttered Oswald Inkleby-Speringforth of Borrenshire when cornered on his estate after a rousing chase. "If I want to have the boiling-oil portals above my gate re-opened that's my business. These accusations get thrown around as though there's something wrong with adding a bit of bullet-proof plating to modernise the battlements. The only nostalgia I have is for when journalists used to show a bit of bloody respect. Now get off my land before I test out my new trebuchet on your head."

Government to outsource care of comatose NHS patients to Wackenhut Corporation

In what has been hailed by consultants as a massive cost-saving measure, the care of comatose NHS patients, including those in a permanent vegetative state, is to be put out to tender to private companies. The government's current preferred bidder is the Wackenhut Corporation, which plans to keep comatose patients in prison cells.

A government spokesman confirmed that keeping patients in prisons would enable the NHS to save millions of pounds. “Our analysts say that what the Wackenhut Corporation does is a perfect fit for comatose patients,” explained a government spokesman. “Like prisoners, comatose patients don't move around much and don't need much space or big windows, and they also need a toilet close by. Wackenhut are offering to care for them at half the price of anyone else, and really, how can the patients possibly notice what kind of surroundings they are in? This will free up thousands of hospital beds and save the NHS money.”

Questions have been raised about the suitability of prison environments for visiting relatives but a spokesman for Wackenhut Corporation, which is changing its name to G4S Secure Solutions in the hope it will sound less violent, explained that the 'issue of ambience for the visitor' had already been addressed. “We've got prisoners making room decorations round the clock,” he explained. “Posters of ponies and rainbows and teddy bear mobiles and so on that we can use to decorate the cells, or 'Micro-Wards' as we are now calling them. These are exactly the kind of synergies we can offer that no one else can.”

The CEO of G4S Secure Solutions, as it will soon be known, gave a triumphant speech at the corporation's AGM a day after hearing that the corporation was the government's preferred bidder. “This is a forward-moving, out-of-the-box-thinking company of the future,” he said. “Who else would have realised that you could look after sick people so cheaply and get paid so much for it? Who else would have understood that a comatose prisoner – sorry, patient – would need no warders, and could be watched by the prison doctors we already employ? Who else would have realised that there was even more money to be made than we make from prisoners?” He later joked, “This is a license to print money, and we're bidding for that too next year.” The joke was greeted with a thunderous round of applause by shareholders.

Relatives of comatose patients expressed concern about the move but none of them could be printed due to the frequency and severity of expletives used. A government spokesman explained that their concerns had already been anticipated and addressed, though he declined to reveal how. Instead he presenting journalists with a graph of the efficiency savings to be made.

The comatose patients themselves were unavailable for comment.

Cameron carries blade, known as 'Slasher' Dave to friends

It has emerged today that David Cameron is know to friends and close colleagues as 'Slasher' Dave. The nickname is said to have been given to him many years ago but has not until now been known to the public. "It's the knife he always carries around," explained one source. "It's about five inches long and thin as a bird's claw. He tends to just whip it out when he's a bit bored and start slashing at stuff. You know, tables, wallpaper, paintings, papers, whatever's around really."

Rumours that 'Slasher' Dave has sometimes turned his blade on people were firmly quashed by friends. "It's harmless fun," said one of them. "Just a habit he picked up at school or something. Sometimes it's a bit inappropriate I suppose. He once started slashing at the flag draped over a soldier's coffin but fortunately it was before the service started and we managed to find a new flag in time." According to another friend Cameron "is a pretty mean knife artist - for reasons best known to himself he's hiding his light under a bushel."

David Cameron has refused to comment on the allegation he wields a knife or that he sits at his desk sharpening it lovingly for half an hour every morning while sipping his first champagne of the day. "This sort of question crosses the privacy boundary," said a Number 10 spokesman. "The contents of Slash... sorry, the Prime Minister's pockets are entirely his own business." When asked whether it was true that the Prime Minister's office curtains have had to be replaced eight times since his arrival the spokesman said, "I'm afraid I can't tell you if that's true. Since we outsourced curtain maintenance that data is not available to us."

Journalists have attempted to speak to office cleaning contractors for Number 10 but no one was willing to talk on the record. "That's more than my job's worth," said one cleaner on condition of anonymity, making a cutting motion across his throat as he spoke. When asked what the gesture meant he declined to explain, but did say that Cameron is sometimes gripped by terrible rages. "He goes into autopilot," he said. "Like some kind of aristocratic robot, and then all he can do is destroy things."

BP to help government cap Channel Tunnel in effort to keep out the bailiffs

The UK government have asked BP to help them cap the Channel Tunnel in order to prevent a flood of bailiffs gathering at Sandgatte from coming through the tunnel to sieze the nation's assets. The country has been declared officially bankrupt after repeated insinuations by the Prime Minister that there is no money to spend on anything ever again.

The government is said to be 'relieved' that one British company at least is able to do something useful. "BP's new-found expertise makes them a world leader in stopping shit coming out of holes," explained a government economist. "No one can say we don't reward innovation - in this case with a £350 million contract."

The effort to cap the tunnel comes as multinational owners of Britain's national debt close in to grab what they can before the whole country sinks into decrepit alcoholism brought on by lack of hope. "We heard the bailiffs are gathering at Sandgatte," said a government spokesman. "We decided we wouldn't just let them walk all over us. What price dignity?"

This is a question also occupying the mind of Denise Wright, a disabled pensioner from Luton who has seen her disability benefits and pension cut within the last few months. "I should bloody well hope they don't let the bailiffs in," she said. "They're not getting my television I can tell you that much. My Mark will be round with his friends any minute now. No cartel of insurance companies and pension funds is going to push me around. Where did all my tax money go anyway? I worked all my life and here I am at seventy-one and all that stands between me and the bailiffs is a thousand tons of concrete - and not high quality concrete either if I know anything about British builders."

The government has stressed that the whole country is in this together. "We will fight them on the beaches if necessary," said David Cameron in the House of Commons. He was later heard to joke, "Yes, particularly if they want to do it on Mykonos. I believe my family has a house there."

Meanwhile the bailiffs are said to be weighing up the value of the scrap metal BP plans to throw into the tunnel. "We're thinking this might work out well for us," said one bailiff who did not wished to be named. "We're worried the country may not have any other assets left to seize anyway. The government's probably saving us a whole lot of trouble by just giving us the metal."