Sunday, 29 August 2010

Cameron carries blade, known as 'Slasher' Dave to friends

It has emerged today that David Cameron is know to friends and close colleagues as 'Slasher' Dave. The nickname is said to have been given to him many years ago but has not until now been known to the public. "It's the knife he always carries around," explained one source. "It's about five inches long and thin as a bird's claw. He tends to just whip it out when he's a bit bored and start slashing at stuff. You know, tables, wallpaper, paintings, papers, whatever's around really."

Rumours that 'Slasher' Dave has sometimes turned his blade on people were firmly quashed by friends. "It's harmless fun," said one of them. "Just a habit he picked up at school or something. Sometimes it's a bit inappropriate I suppose. He once started slashing at the flag draped over a soldier's coffin but fortunately it was before the service started and we managed to find a new flag in time." According to another friend Cameron "is a pretty mean knife artist - for reasons best known to himself he's hiding his light under a bushel."

David Cameron has refused to comment on the allegation he wields a knife or that he sits at his desk sharpening it lovingly for half an hour every morning while sipping his first champagne of the day. "This sort of question crosses the privacy boundary," said a Number 10 spokesman. "The contents of Slash... sorry, the Prime Minister's pockets are entirely his own business." When asked whether it was true that the Prime Minister's office curtains have had to be replaced eight times since his arrival the spokesman said, "I'm afraid I can't tell you if that's true. Since we outsourced curtain maintenance that data is not available to us."

Journalists have attempted to speak to office cleaning contractors for Number 10 but no one was willing to talk on the record. "That's more than my job's worth," said one cleaner on condition of anonymity, making a cutting motion across his throat as he spoke. When asked what the gesture meant he declined to explain, but did say that Cameron is sometimes gripped by terrible rages. "He goes into autopilot," he said. "Like some kind of aristocratic robot, and then all he can do is destroy things."

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