Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Nation now confusing Big Brother and Afghan War, say weary pollsters

War in Afghanistan
Big Brother
After 10 years of Big Brother and 9 years of war in Afghanistan, a confused nation has this week attempted to vote the Taliban out of Afghanistan for good. In what was supposed to be a simple opinion poll on the progress or lack of progress in the war against militant groups in Afghanistan, the public is said to have rung up the 'We are winning' phone number in their thousands and screamed down the phone that the Taliban should get the hell out.

"They really seemed to think their opinions would result in an eviction of the Taliban," said one phone operator, interviewed while drinking heavily in a pub after his shift. "The similarities between the war and Big Brother don't seem obvious at first, but after a few pints I realised they both provide vicarious drama to people with no actual involvement in them. And the Afghan War has been going on nearly as long as Big Brother, which itself has been going on for...." The phone operator's eyes glazed over and he picked up his pint to finish it in one gulp.

According to a press release by the polling company, "The war Britain has been fighting for almost a decade is in fact characterised, in terms of British public opinion, by an inability to distinguish it from popular reality shows. Two years ago when we did a poll on who the scariest terrorist in the world was, 20% of people rang in to say that Osama Bin Laden had a sexy voice and to ask when the single was coming out."

Neither the Big Brother production team nor Simon Cowell were available for interview, but Cowell was said to be 'receptive' to the idea of releasing a single by Osama Bin Laden.


  1. I thought the Afghanistan war was being cancled due to falling ratings and the public's inability to distinguish between the contestants.

    Quite how anyone managed to spend £20bn on a leaky house full of TV cameras I don't understand.


  2. Do you pay for the Times online? Think of the children!

  3. No. I seem to have access anyway. Maybe it is my winning smile? *shrug*