Thursday, 5 August 2010

Costing the government money to be made a crime by 2015

As part of his crusade to reduce the burden on the taxpayer and lower the national debt David Cameron has today announced plans to make costing the government money a punishable crime within this parliament. "Just because people pay taxes, they think they can have taxes spent on them," he said. "It's just not on, and there's nothing like a policeman with a baton to make people realise that."

The planned bill will make it a crime to be young, old, sick, unemployed, pregnant or giving up smoking. "The harshest penalties will clearly be reserved for young unemployed mothers who are pregnant again and trying to stop smoking," explained the Prime Minister. "We'll probably maroon them on a small island without gas and air so they can really feel the pain of their mistakes. But really we've got to be harsh on all these people. I mean, Labour wanted to spend money on schools! It was a crazy, irresponsible idea."

When asked whether CEOs in the arms industry will also be criminalised the Prime Minister explained that they did not fall within the remit of the bill. "You've got to understand that there is such a thing as good government spending," he said. "There are all sorts of things we politicians need to spend money on. Like weapons. But spending on people is bad government spending, because they don't deserve it. If they did deserve it, why would they need help?"

The impact of the new law will be far-reaching. It is estimated that an extra 50,000 police officers will be needed nationally to enforce the law. Recruitment among people with thick necks has already begun. An extensive privatised prison-building program is also envisaged to cope with the increased number of criminals. "The building of the prisons alone will create thousands of insecure short-term jobs," explained the Prime Minister. "And the running of the prisons will create tens of thousands of permanent jobs for people with inadequate educations."

A leaked memo from the Treasury estimates that the number of jobs created if the proposal become reality will roughly equal the number of jobs being lost as a result of public sector cutbacks. "We wish the Treasury would stop leaking like a sieve," said a Conservative spokesman. "It's not reassuring in the place where we keep the money. But this just shows we really do understand how to fix Britain's economy without endangering jobs. Very soon we won't need a public sector at all apart from the prison system."


  1. I think this is my favourite one yet! Though one of the most depressing at the same time...

  2. This policy seems a little over complicated. Why not just identify all of the areas of the country with an average income of say, less than 200% of the national median income, and simply pay the people inside to wall themselves in?

  3. Pay them? Are you mad? They will be 'volunteers'...