BP to help government cap Channel Tunnel in effort to keep out the bailiffs

The UK government have asked BP to help them cap the Channel Tunnel in order to prevent a flood of bailiffs gathering at Sandgatte from coming through the tunnel to sieze the nation's assets. The country has been declared officially bankrupt after repeated insinuations by the Prime Minister that there is no money to spend on anything ever again.

The government is said to be 'relieved' that one British company at least is able to do something useful. "BP's new-found expertise makes them a world leader in stopping shit coming out of holes," explained a government economist. "No one can say we don't reward innovation - in this case with a £350 million contract."

The effort to cap the tunnel comes as multinational owners of Britain's national debt close in to grab what they can before the whole country sinks into decrepit alcoholism brought on by lack of hope. "We heard the bailiffs are gathering at Sandgatte," said a government spokesman. "We decided we wouldn't just let them walk all over us. What price dignity?"

This is a question also occupying the mind of Denise Wright, a disabled pensioner from Luton who has seen her disability benefits and pension cut within the last few months. "I should bloody well hope they don't let the bailiffs in," she said. "They're not getting my television I can tell you that much. My Mark will be round with his friends any minute now. No cartel of insurance companies and pension funds is going to push me around. Where did all my tax money go anyway? I worked all my life and here I am at seventy-one and all that stands between me and the bailiffs is a thousand tons of concrete - and not high quality concrete either if I know anything about British builders."

The government has stressed that the whole country is in this together. "We will fight them on the beaches if necessary," said David Cameron in the House of Commons. He was later heard to joke, "Yes, particularly if they want to do it on Mykonos. I believe my family has a house there."

Meanwhile the bailiffs are said to be weighing up the value of the scrap metal BP plans to throw into the tunnel. "We're thinking this might work out well for us," said one bailiff who did not wished to be named. "We're worried the country may not have any other assets left to seize anyway. The government's probably saving us a whole lot of trouble by just giving us the metal."