Thursday, 12 August 2010

The Subtle Adventures of Dagobert Oliphant, Diplomat and International Statesman

Upon ending a meeting one day in the UN, Oliphant accidentally wandered into a debating chamber as a vote on sanctions against Iran was about to take place. He stood there for a few minutes watching, then turned to a delegate from Paraguay next to him (Now unbeknownst to him, a microphone in front of the delegate was switched on and his words were about to be broadcast around the room, tinny but undeniable) and what he said was:

"Isn't it a little inconsistent that the US would get so concerned about the the 'nuclear threat' from Iran while supporting the nuclear-armed military dictatorship in Pakistan where there are far more genuine extremists who might at some point stage a coup and gain control of the weapons? One would almost think that both sides are simply ramping up the rhetoric to distract from domestic problems and that if they are genuinely prepared for war it is only because their domestic problems are utterly insoluble."

As he said these words and the microphone betrayed them to the room, an icy chill took hold among the gathered diplomats of all nations. Frost developed on Oliphant's beard (for Oliphant has a beard) and small icicles grew from the noses of the delegates. The stones beneath their feet grew colder and colder and finally crumbled to dust, the concrete beneath cracked, and the entire auditorium began to subside gently into the room below. Sparks flew across the room as electrical fittings broke apart and neon tubes exploded. The low rumble of disintegrating building material was almost drowned out by the screams of the delegates as they slid inexorably down into the billowing cloud of dust and chaos.

Oliphant, who was still stood near the door, backed judiciously away from what was now merely a crumbling edge of floor and, with a tactful cough, he left the room.

No comments:

Post a Comment