Met Police 'infiltrated' by violent minority of hardcore thugs who hate protesters

We'll be bringing you the latest news from within the ranks of the police as the 'hardcore right wingers' among their number 'gear up' to hijack legitimate police action in order to suppress protests by people they consider to be layabout scum.

What to think about...The Liberal Democrats

Here is another in my triumphant series of educational posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and because I have also switched my brain off I can't help but agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS 

• The Liberal Democrats lied at election time, thus further undermining (aim ever higher!) confidence in politicians
• We know that all politicians lie but this time they have been called on it, which is a surprise to everyone, especially the mainstream media who have got used to not doing it themselves
• The Lib Dems positioned themselves as the most 'social' party at the last election and should not now betray those who voted for them, nor show such indecision if they want to be 'credible'
• They make unnatural bedfellows with the Conservatives and should not have gone into coalition with them if they can't wring any more concessions from them than a hostage could get from their armed kidnappers
• Nick Clegg is a two-faced lying careerist scumbag to rival the best that Westminster School and Cambridge have produced

And now, what not to think - thoughts such as might be entertained by 'problematic' or mentally imbalanced types who will probably end up wandering the streets begging for 5p 'for a coffee':

• The Liberal Democrats are an economically right-wing party who, along with the Conservatives and New Labour, believe that the rich should be left alone to do what they do best - make money for themselves
• The Browne Education Review, the plan - by a millionaire Labourite businessman who oversaw the greatest oil disasters of our time - to not only increase fees but to thoroughly 'marketise' education was commissioned by Labour and picked up by both the Conservatives and the Lib Dems
• The Lib Dem's 'love me please' social posturing has always been contradicted by their economic ideals - if you look at their record in local government it is clear how they always resolve the 'contradiction' 
• Nick Clegg heads a party of two-faced lying careerist scumbags (Note: subjective idea not to be trusted) who like every major party in the country want to dismantle the welfare state and reduce government spending (not so subjective - careful now!) on people - though interestingly not on private companies - and are therefore getting most of what they really want from the coalition
• Our 'democratic' political system forces politicians to lie - the crime is to get caught. The real danger here would be allowing yourself to think that a parliamentary system in which everyone lies might be presenting itself to us dishonestly, might not even exist for your benefit at all (see first point in this list for clues on the most grievous error to avoid here) 
• The Lib Dems don't need their minds changing on tuition fees, they need their minds changing with surgery, perhaps swapping them with Doberman brains, which are much more trustworthy

Gove: our return to Victorian school values 'a more than adequate preparation for the workhouse'

History class

As the coalition government steps up plans to force benefits claimants to work, making people do jobs for free that might have taken them off the dole queue if they were paid positions, the government is countering criticisms that their plans are 'inhumane' with their new education policy, which they say will make working for free 'more bearable'.

While some have said that the goverment's plans amount to forced labour, sometimes known as slavery, the government has robustly refuted those criticisms. "There is a difference between slavery and the workhouse," explains Michael Gove, Education Secretary. "The Victorians were very much against slavery you know. We value their values, and that is why we are bringing back both free labour and Victorian educational values, which were always a more than adequate preparation for the workhouse. There are, in fact, many similarities between a correctly disciplined school environment and a workhouse. Those Victorians knew what they were about."

The recent coalition White Paper on education outlines a reversion back to tougher exams, tougher discipline and traditional subjects. But Michael Gove has some reassuring words for those who see this as a step backwards. "This is a very modern proposal," he said. "We're a modern Conservative party doing modern things. That's why we have to modernise education as well as modernising benefits. We are modernising everything in fact, and to those cynics who suggest that when I say 'modernising' I mean 'taking away', well I think you should think about your position obstructing progress towards a modern Britain."

Whatever the critics say, the modernisation programme is moving forward and it seems will continue to do so until there is nothing left to modernise.

Scientists: Cameron's use of the words 'fair', 'fairer' or 'fairness' causing rupture in English language that 'may plunge us all into black hole'

More soon from the Large Hadron Collider Linguistics Team, dedicated to firing words into each other at high speed in the hope of finding one that politicians can't break

DHL wins contract to transport new graduates to jobs

A graduate-sized box, wrapped as a giant gift to the employer

The government has announced today that DHL has won the lucrative contract to deliver graduates, newly qualified and boxed, to their employers. Insiders say that the German company beat off stiff competition from Fedex, TNT and Parcelforce because at similar prices to the other bidders they also offered to install conveyor belts from the platforms of graduation halls across the country out to temporary loading bays. The new graduates will walk up to the platform to receive their qualification, which in most cases will be a facsimile, and then step straight onto the conveyor belt to be dropped into an appropriately size box, which will have airholes and a small stock of liquids and snacks for the journey.

This process, which DHL describes as 'the most efficient delivery of graduates to jobs anywhere in the world', is part of a wider government plan to allocate graduates to wherever they will be most economically active and offer best value for money. The government says that their reduction in corporation tax over the next few years will also represent an increase in value for money, since employers will get 'well-packaged industry-oriented graduates at a lower cost to themselves.'

However Serco, the company tasked with allocating students to their new roles, has admitted to some difficulties in placing certain students. "Obviously the scientists and lawyers and so on can go straight to their designated roles in industry," explained a spokesman. "Social science students will mostly be placed in HR or marketing roles. The arts students we struggled with for a while but then we discovered this whole sector called 'the creative industries' so we're pretty sure we can offload them."

But it is with philosophy students that Serco has had the most trouble. Eventually they located a small, somewhat barren island off the coast of Scotland in need of labourers to till the rocky, unyielding soil. "It's very isolated there and there's not much to do besides philosophise," explained Serco. "So what with philosophy graduates being otherwise economically inactive we figured it was a good match." One philosophy student, asked to comment on the plan, cryptically referred to it as a 'valid metaphor'.

Meanwhile DHL say that they have been working on streamlining the delivery processes even more since submitting their bid. "We asked some economics students to help us, and it turns out that if you don't put airholes in the boxes, and you don't give the package - sorry, person - any food or drink, you can actually save a lot of money. It does mean that about one in every six hundred dies of asphyxiation, and about one in every two thousand dies of thirst, but even factoring in the revenue losses it still works out cheaper for us."

However in an ironic twist it will only be economics graduates transported in this low-cost manner. "We discovered that it breaches human rights or something," said a DHL spokesman, "But then we looked into it further and realised that human rights don't cover economists. Since the triumph of the Chicago School within the discipline it turns out they aren't human any more - they have all been transmogrified into robotic drones for a fundamentalist ideology. So that will save us some money."

DHL has also won the contract to find new homes for lecturers and professors who are likely to undermine ratings in the new 'Research Excellence Framework'. Again they have had trouble finding somewhere to transport those with an inability to adjust to the new culture of 'excellence' and 'value' within universities. Eventually a home was found for them in Timbuktu, Mali. "We know it sounds like the punchline to a cheap joke," said a spokesman. "But it turns out Timbuktu had this ancient and - dare I say it - old-fashioned university, where knowledge and learning were valued as good things in themselves. We thought they'd feel at home there." The transport of inefficient faculty members will begin sometime in 2011.

The government has said it is pleased that universities are now going to have more contact with such a successful company as DHL, and already many university presidents, provosts, deans and rectors see the company as an example to universities. "We long for the day when we too can be as efficient as DHL," said Sir Keith O'Nions, Rector of Imperial College. "In fact I'm a little jealous of their motto and I've wondered if they'd mind us using it: Excellence. Simply Delivered. So you see we're effectively in the same business. I think this will be a great partnership."

Oxford and Cambridge to reintroduce personal butlers for all students

In anticipation of the lifting of tuition fee limits following a recommendation to the government by Lord Browne, Oxford and Cambridge are already setting in motion plans to provide butlers to all students as standard. Many are welcoming the return to the good old days, though some have asked where sufficient butlers can be found in these diminished post-Jeeves times.

Lord Browne, a recently knighted 'people's peer', was chosen to conduct an independent review in university funding for the government. As former Chief Executive of BP he understands the problems of students from poor families, having sometimes employed them to clean the toilets in BP headquarters.

Disillusioned 'Harry Potter Generation' leaving school without wizarding skills

Life didn't turn out like this and it sucks

As the generation who began reading the Harry Potter books as children approach school leaving age many have begun to feel a deep disillusionment with life. While it is normal for teenagers to feel discontented with what life has to offer, this is a disillusionment that separates them from all generations that have gone before. Whilst in their minds they knew the Harry Potter books were fiction, in their hearts many of the 'Harry Potter Generation' as they are known, believed that they too would one day be wrenched from their normal humdrum lives and flown to a wizarding school on a giant's motorbike.

Lucy Weil of Huddersfield is one such girl. "I've just finished sixth form, and I'm off to University and it's all meant to be exciting and everything, and I'm sure I'll love being away from home for the first time, but the fact is, I never expected to finish school like this. I was pretty sure I would at some point be selected as someone with special powers who would be worthy of a wizarding education. It's pretty disappointing."

Thomas Nunton, an eighteen-year-old from Ashford agrees. "As someone brought up in Ashford you always assume you're destined for something better," he said. "And yeah, I can move to London and become free labour for a record company or something, but it's not wizarding school is it? And it's too late for that now. So, you know, that casts a bit of a shadow over the rest of your life, you know?"

Pyschologists say it is common for children to confuse stories and real life. However the extent to which children secretly believed themselves to be Harry Potter has taken them by surprise. "We think it's a symptom of other things," said Sarah Malling, from the University of London's Psychology Department. "Chiefly that most children find normal education to be unspeakably tedious and - quite rightly - don't think much of their prospects in the current economic climate."

But most teenagers we spoke to disagreed with this hard-headed analysis of Potter Mania. "Bullshit," said Jon Nevis, 17, from Cardiff. "I just wanted to be able to blow the shit out of stuff with a wand by now. And instantaneously transport myself into my girlfriend's bedroom every night. Is that too much to ask of life?"

JK Rowling has responded to stories of the disillusionment of the Harry Potter Generation with a statement saying, "My publishing company will continue producing tangentially related books for those who don't want to let Harry Potter go for as long as it makes me pots of money. The franchise lives on and so can your dreams."

But her most ardent fans, now old enough to vote, may not be satisfied with books any longer and revolution is in the air. They want their wizarding skills and nothing else will do. Some say that disillusioned would-be wizards may even turn against the woman who raised their expectations and so cruelly led them on. "I'm not saying she's Voldemort or anything," says Thomas Nunton. "But I've begun to think she may be a Death Eater and you know what I'd do to Death Eaters." Then he sighed. "Or would do if I could do magic."