Monday, 1 November 2010

Osborne: 'A multi-class society has failed - it's time to try integration'

Solidarity of the declasse
In a landmark speech to parliament yesterday the Chancellor George Osborne announced that he believes that the 'multi-class' experiment has failed. "The middle classes don't talk to the working classes because they're scared of them. The working classes don't talk to the middle classes because they think they've got a broomstick stuck up their arse. I don't know about your criteria for failure, but that meets mine."

The Chancellor's solution is a radical one: he is to abolish the middle classes and integrate them into one great 'melting pot' of workers, who will work longer hours, with less job security, for more years, and for less pensions than ever before. "I think worker's solidarity is a lovely thing," said Osborne. "And with the help of my policies there's going to be a whole lot more of it, because no one will be putting on airs and graces when they get their house repossesed."

Osborne also suggesting that the expanded working class be renamed the 'working and not working class', since this will also vastly increase the number of people in what some have dubbed his 'super-class'. "The Tory party is and always has been the party of 'inclusivity'," he explained. "And it seems unfair that a large percentage of the population of the country who could be working would be excluded simply because there isn't any work to be had except for bailiffs and soldiers."

However critics of the new class 'integration' claim that Osborne is being less than honest with his claim that 'we are all in this class together'. "I hate to have to point this out," said one commentator who didn't wish to be named for fear of being thought a raving Commie, "But there's one class still not integrated in this super-class - which I think is a lovely idea by the way - and that's the class beginning with 'U'. If Osborne isn't sure what it is or where to find it, I'll give him directions to the Cabinet meeting room and a mirror to place on the table."

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats responded to criticisms of the 'super-class': "Yes, there has been a lot of naysaying. We may have been naysayers ourself once upon a time. We have the capacity to change, and to say yea as well as nay, sometimes in the same week. There's nothing wrong with that, or with anything, if you ask us at the right time of day. Getting the right time of day is kind of tricky I admit, particularly since I couldn't tell you what right or wrong is any more, or the difference between yes and no, and, wait...what was I talking about? Yes, the elimination of the middle class. Thumbs up from us!"


  1. I left this in open in my browser and went away, then when I came back I started casually reading it without really thinking about what it was.

    I found myself thinking, "this is unusually honest for a Tory minister, I might need to check the sources...." then I realised what was going on ;-)