Government pays unknown amount of money to Guantanamo 'torture victims' for unknown reasons and due to unknowable 'intelligence concerns' in order to speed up enquiry into itself to see if it knows whether it knows what it was doing to have to make unknown payments for unknown reasons to said alleged 'torture victims' and so establish once and for all its known innocence through an enquiry process known for getting the bottom of everything knowable

This post was jointly sponsored by the Sinister Clown Overlord Manifesto for Greater Absurdity in Politics and the Campaign for Longer Headlines.

It's not torture if someone else does if for you anyway

Kurd-killing Saddam killed good Kurds, Kurd-killing Turks kill bad Kurds, explains US Army spokesman

Good kurds or bad kurds?

The US has today defended itself against accusations of hypocrisy for passing intelligence information to Turkey in order to help the Turkish army bomb Kurdish villages in Northern Iraq. President Bush had previously cited Saddam Hussein's murdering of Kurds as a prime motivation for invading the country.

A spokesman for the US Military explained the logic. "Saddam was a Kurd-killer, but he was a good Kurd-killer. The good Kurds didn't kill and so killing those Kurds was catastrophic. Turkey kills bad Kurds, and the bad Kurds kill, so Turkey killing Kurds is okay with us. The quality of Kurd-killing changes according to the quality of Kurds. Turkey killing Kurdish killers can't be critiqued."

When pressed on the issue of innocent civilian deaths, the spokesman went on to say, "Collateral Turkish Kurd-killing compromises killing quality but Kurdish killers must be killed by Turkish killers or bad Kurds will kill Turks. Everything clear?"

The spokesman was relieved of duties and taken to a lunatic asylum shortly afterwards

Man gives up fear of terrorism in disgust after failing to be targeted by al-Qaeda

Once again I've got a story on Newsbiscuit. I won the highly coveted (by about twenty people) Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month Award last month. I think I get a mug.
Man gives up fear of terrorism in disgust after failing to be targeted by al-Qaeda

Commemorating nine years since the triumph of political extremists in the US, also 9/11 attacks

More later.

Pakistan to dub floods an 'Act of terror by Mother Nature' and refer to clouds as 'Nature's sleeper cells' in hopes of more US aid

More soon.