Thursday, 9 September 2010

Man decides to only oppose wars with memorable bad guys

The right Kadyrov?
David Lebworth, a committed liberal from Hammersmith, London, last night threw up his hands in disgust and declared that he was sick of opposing wars in countries where he could barely pronounce let alone remember the names of the bad guys. He will henceforth only oppose wars in countries like Uganda, where the bad guys have easy names. "'Joseph Kony' is fine, just fine," he said. "I mean he's not, he's an evil bastard, but I can pronounce him. So I'm against the Lord's Resistance Army."

Mr Lebworth, whose general anti-war sentiments remain unchanged, finally decided to become more selective about specific the wars he opposed upon reading that the leader of the Somali resistance group al-Shabab, properly known as Harakat al-Shabaab al-Mujahideen, is led by Sheikh Moktar Ali Zubeyr, also known as Ahmed Cabdi Godane. His immediate reaction upon reading this was to say "Oh for fucks sake!" and fling the paper on the floor of the pub where he was enjoying a quiet drink before bed.

"It just all got a bit much," he admitted the morning after reading the paper. "I'd only just got my head around which Kadyrov is which in the Chechen conflict - Ramzan is the authoritarian Russian-loving one in charge now by the way - and that was all fine, but suddenly this guy has two names, with three bits each, only some of which I know how to pronounce. Well, someone else will have to oppose the Somali war. I just can't do it any more."

Mr Lebworth's decision on which wars to oppose comes some weeks after he decided to only pursue women with job titles he understands.

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