A festive apology

The Defendant would like to apologise for the interruption to your favourite satirical news service over the Christmas and New Year period. Politics stops during the festive season anyway, except in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan where they don't have Christmas because they are a bunch of savages. The delivery of bombs continues of course but Santa refuses to take them on his sleigh, preferring to remain neutral. Santa refutes all accusations that he is a coward, claiming instead to be Swiss.

Cameron denies it will always be winter but never Christmas

A cold wind blows from the Palace of Westminster

In the wake of widespread disruption to the country caused by a combination of snow and angry demonstrators, David Cameron, Prime Minister and very rich man, has been forced to deny that he has done a deal with The Witch of The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe fame to introduce a permanent freeze, and to cut Christmas this year and for the forseeable future.

"These are lies put out by Labour, and the Trotskyists, and the anarchists, and the public sector workers, and the low-income workers, and the unemployed, and the sick people, and the disabled people - basically, everyone who hates us because of what we stand for," explained Cameron to assembled journalists. "They can't stand it that we are winning and they want an excuse to riot, so they put out all this nonsense about me cutting Christmas and being on the side of darkness and winter and death. It's nonsense. I'm a very compassionate man. I've helped old ladies across roads. I have to listen to them moan about how I'm taking their pensions away, but I do it anyway, because that's the kind of guy I am."

But many people have drawn the connection between the unusually harsh, snowy start of winter and the policies of the coalition government. "It's just too much of a coincidence," said John Terence of Nottingham. "A bunch of cunts get into power, suddenly there's snow everywhere. I'm worried, and I think he might have cut Christmas. He'd cut anything, that bastard, and it won't affect him, because you can bet he'll just go off on holiday to somewhere that still has Christmas. Well it's all very well for him, but I can't afford to go away and I need an excuse to drink the good whisky."

Hannah Ringley, a nine-year-old from Newport, uses more moderate language but is equally concerned. "I don't think Christmas will ever come," she said, a glum expression on her face. "It's so cold outside that I just sit inside and watch television. But all I see is that David Cameron man. He's always smiling but it looks fake and I think he might be lying. I think he might have killed Christmas without telling anyone. I bet he's killed Santa too."

Meanwhile media commentators have been debating whether, if David Cameron has indeed done a deal with the Witch to prevent the arrival of Christmas, he may in fact have good reasons for doing so. "There could be sound economic reasons for introducing the permanent freeze but preventing the approach of Christams," said Quentin Potts, a person with a column. "If for instance he is trying to drive down the deficit by ensuring everyone has to spend lots on fuel and also keeps buying presents for a Christmas that never comes, he could be doing just the right thing."

Penelope Tunney, another person who gets to talk in the national media agreed. "It might on the face of it look bad if he has done a deal with the evil Witch, but I'm sure he would be acting in the national interest, and he has the backing of the British people because they voted for him. Some of them. And he's always struck me as a very reasonable person whenever we've had dinner together. Yes, if he's done a deal with the Witch then he's got a democratic mandate to do that and I'm sure he'll be proved right in the end. We're all in this together, remember? I'm sure he has good reasons. Just turn the heating up to full. If you can afford it."

But Paul Simpson, a seven-year-old from Berkshire, is taking a different line. "If David Cameron is thinking about cutting Christmas," he said as he strapped his silver plastic sword to his waist, "Then that means he's a bad guy and I'm going to fight him. And if the evil Witch is in parlyment then we have to fight parlyment too or she will stay there forever and we will all be cold forever. I don't want winter to last forever. I want summer back again."

Government devolves national food security responsibility to gardening grannies, cuts pensions, also tools fund for disabled gardeners: 'The market will do the rest', says Osborne

More news soon on the government's magic formula for solving every problem.

What to think about...violent protests

I'm not saying do it, but look at the pleasure on that man's face 

 WHAT TO THINK ABOUT VIOLENT PROTESTS 

• Violent protests are criminal protests and therefore bad
• They are usually caused by anarchist agitators or hoodie gangsters, who aren't human anyway and so shouldn't be at the protest at all
• They undermine the credibility of the protest in the media, though they are also the only thing that gets protest into the meda
• They frighten people, particularly  members of the royal family or people who haven't actually been threatened but who otherwise wouldn't have anything to say to journalists
• Violence against bus stops or buildings is as grave a moral error as violence against grannies and therefore the protest is violent even if no one has been hurt 
• Hurting the police for doing their jobs is like hurting a paid informer in stalinist Russia for...wait, no, this logic has gone wrong...
• Anyway, we are definitely agreed that the police really should put a stop to this violence on the streets and should do so by...being violent on the streets

And what not to think (thoughts such as might occur in a crazed delirium, whilst not in control of one's faculties, or whilst feeling faint with hunger in a police kettle):

• Mass detention as collective punishment for protest - with less rights than you would have in a prison cell - is a violent act using the resources of the state against people who disagree with it 
• An increase in police violence on the streets generally leads to an increase in violence on the streets 
• Violent protests happen when people have had enough of being abused by people in power. It has always been so - in the face of this fact your judgement or mine look like a child screaming at the sun for shining too brightly
• Politics is about who has control. If a protest is controlled by the authorities it is merely symbolic, bothers no one, and has as much impact as a fun run 
• A bus stop or building feels no pain  
• If we for a moment suspend judgement on  the 'thugs' and 'hooligans' and 'leftist extremists' we might notice that people could have perfectly sane, rational reasons to want to fight their way through police to reach parliament or to batter down the doors of government buildings

Police take moral high ground by force, many flock to join them

Police impress their morality upon protesters

The police are reported to be in complete control of the moral high ground today after yesterday beating the shit out of anyone on the streets attempting to claim it for themselves. Politicians are reported to be flocking to the police-protected area of high ground, eager to point out that the protesters who were angry at the politicians have no moral high ground left.

The police attainment of the moral high ground was hard-fought, involving the detention of several thousand people without charge for some hours, and indiscriminate beatings of anyone who got in their way. Commentators have praised the police efforts but some have suggested that not enough blood was shed, and that policing should be firmer in the future in order to give the moral high ground greater security.

An anonymous protester, asked to comment on the police attainment of the moral high ground at first refused to comment, but when pressed said, "If you think about it, the police were protecting the politicians from their angry citizenry, and the police moral high ground - if we ignore breaches of fundamental rights and so on, which we seem to be - the police position, as I say, is is only actually a moral high ground if those they are defending are on the moral high ground themselves."

Met Police 'infiltrated' by violent minority of hardcore thugs who hate protesters

We'll be bringing you the latest news from within the ranks of the police as the 'hardcore right wingers' among their number 'gear up' to hijack legitimate police action in order to suppress protests by people they consider to be layabout scum.

What to think about...The Liberal Democrats

Here is another in my triumphant series of educational posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and because I have also switched my brain off I can't help but agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS 

• The Liberal Democrats lied at election time, thus further undermining (aim ever higher!) confidence in politicians
• We know that all politicians lie but this time they have been called on it, which is a surprise to everyone, especially the mainstream media who have got used to not doing it themselves
• The Lib Dems positioned themselves as the most 'social' party at the last election and should not now betray those who voted for them, nor show such indecision if they want to be 'credible'
• They make unnatural bedfellows with the Conservatives and should not have gone into coalition with them if they can't wring any more concessions from them than a hostage could get from their armed kidnappers
• Nick Clegg is a two-faced lying careerist scumbag to rival the best that Westminster School and Cambridge have produced

And now, what not to think - thoughts such as might be entertained by 'problematic' or mentally imbalanced types who will probably end up wandering the streets begging for 5p 'for a coffee':

• The Liberal Democrats are an economically right-wing party who, along with the Conservatives and New Labour, believe that the rich should be left alone to do what they do best - make money for themselves
• The Browne Education Review, the plan - by a millionaire Labourite businessman who oversaw the greatest oil disasters of our time - to not only increase fees but to thoroughly 'marketise' education was commissioned by Labour and picked up by both the Conservatives and the Lib Dems
• The Lib Dem's 'love me please' social posturing has always been contradicted by their economic ideals - if you look at their record in local government it is clear how they always resolve the 'contradiction' 
• Nick Clegg heads a party of two-faced lying careerist scumbags (Note: subjective idea not to be trusted) who like every major party in the country want to dismantle the welfare state and reduce government spending (not so subjective - careful now!) on people - though interestingly not on private companies - and are therefore getting most of what they really want from the coalition
• Our 'democratic' political system forces politicians to lie - the crime is to get caught. The real danger here would be allowing yourself to think that a parliamentary system in which everyone lies might be presenting itself to us dishonestly, might not even exist for your benefit at all (see first point in this list for clues on the most grievous error to avoid here) 
• The Lib Dems don't need their minds changing on tuition fees, they need their minds changing with surgery, perhaps swapping them with Doberman brains, which are much more trustworthy

Word 'fairness' found buried near A10 layby

The body was found here

The word 'fairness' was today discovered by police buried in a shallow grave off the busy A10 between London and Cambridge. A police spokesman announced the discovery in a sombre news conference, explaining to gathered journalists that it was 'one of the most inhumane and callous crimes' he had ever investigated.

Examination of the body reveals that the death of the word was neither slow nor painless. "We think this word was kidnapped some time ago," said the police spokesman, "By persons unknown - and it was more than one person we are sure. It was then held in captivity for months. There are signs of extreme ill-treatment and torture during that time. Forensic examinations show that the word was repeatedly raped by multiple people. We think it may also have been subjected to being dragged along on a rope behind a fast-moving vehicle, which may have been what killed it. It was finally dumped in this layby when its captors were tired of their sport."

The senior police officer wept as he spoke, and many of the assembled journalists could barely contain their horror at the treatment meted out to the word 'fairness'. Many of them afterwards spoke of the difficulty they would have in covering the story 'objectively'. One journalist who saw the body has taken himself off the story. "The body of 'fairness' is battered and malnourished and its face is...horror," he wrote in an email to his editor. "Such was the degradation it was exposed to that death probably came as sweet relief." He went on to say he could not cover the story "because if I even suspect who did this I will want them hung by the neck until dead, tomorrow, without trial."

The police have launched a massive investigation in an attempt to find the killers, but they are working with few clues and say that people have been reluctant to come forward. "People are scared," said the police spokesman. "They're thinking: if they would do that to an innocent word then god knows what they would do to someone who tried to bring them to book. But I urge you to come forward and not live in fear."

Meanwhile the only lead the police have to go on is 'an address in Westminster'. But they say that lead gives them little hope. "Whoever these people are, they are very clever, cold and calculating, and they are good at covering their tracks." said the spokesman. "We don't have much hope of catching them but we have to try, for the sake of 'fairness' and of justice."

Police unwittingly 'providing a structured learning environment' to young protesters

Police escort a class away from the Palace

While police forces up and down the country attempt to control the anger being displayed on the streets, it seems they may have been providing the youth of Britain with the education the politicians are attempting to deny them. While the police have used kettling and other forceful tactics to intimidate protesters and prevent them from taking to the streets again, psychologists have pointed out that young people associate the feeling of being trapped against their will surrounded by lots of other young people with learning.

Few have wanted to speculate about what it is the young people might be learning in their new 'schools', but it does not appear to be the fear of the police that the police are so keen to instill. Worried parents around the country have begun to wonder if such actions by the police may even undermine their children's trust in authority. The police, careful to stay only within their alloted role, deny that they are providing free education to the nation's youth with their baton charges, detentions without charge, mass arrrests and mounted police charges. All they are doing is enforcing the law, they say, and all the teenagers need to learn is their place.

Reports reach the Council of Elrond that Cameron has the One Ring

Today news was brought to the Council of Elrond in Rivendell by Gloin of the Dwarves that David Cameron, Conservative Leader and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, is now in possession of the One Ring, and that the Ringwraiths have been seen abroad once more in the areas South and North of the River Thames.

The One Ring was forged by Thatcher in the fires of Mount Mordor and habitually perverts the minds and hearts of those who own it, weighing heavily even upon its wearer and turning those who lust after power into monsters. Thus, upon hearing the news, Gandalf, a wizard of no fixed abode, dropped his head upon the council table in despair. "Alas! It as I feared!" he groaned. "All is lost!"

"We of the elves are also not surprised by this news," said Elrond, the initiator of the council. "We knew that Cameron had some dark power to take so much away from so many people and yet go unopposed."

"And yet live!" roared Gimli, another dwarf present at the council. "My axe is sharp and my will is strong. I'll bring you his head in bag before the week is out!"

Then spoke Aragorn son of Arathorn, with a deep note of sadness in his voice. "No my brave friend," he said. "It will not be so easy. He is well-guarded behind anti-terrorist police gunmen."

"And alas," said Boromir, a human present at the council. "Our list of allies grows ever shorter. I bring news that Labour, though still claiming to oppose the Tories, have been playing us false. They too stand with Cameron and his Ringwraiths, those bankers so perverted by the dark powers of the Ring that they are no longer human. Their project to steal everything from everybody in the world draws closer to its conclusion."

"There is no hope so long as Cameron keeps his finger in Thatcher's Ring," said Gandalf, and he leaned heavily upon his staff and shook his head.

"Then we must take it and destroy it!" cried Legolas, a Silvan elf of the Woodland realm, whose distinctly unelf-like character often passes unnoticed among fans. "Let us set forth right now!"

"And yet who could bear such a burden?" said Elrond. "Not you Legolas. Not me. Not Gandalf. Once it were in our possession we would all be sullied by Thatcher's Ring and the lust for power that comes with it."

It seemed at this moment that all hope was lost, but there were also at the Council of Elrond a pair of hobbits, small and humble creatures with hairy feet. One of these, Frodo by name, a meek but courageous creature, stood up and said, "I will take the Ring from Cameron."

A great silence settled upon the circle, and those gathered there bowed their heads in acknowledgement of the sacrifice. Then said Aragorn son of Arathorn, "Here, take my flak jacket. It's the least I can do."

And Elrond spoke to the other hobbit, one Samwise Gamgee, and said, "You take my Blackberry Sam. You'll need to stay connected."

And Gimli passed Frodo his helmet and said, "I suggest you wear this. It's too big for you so it will cover your eyes and your ears - that way you won't know what hideous things the papers and tv are saying about you."

"And take this," said Boromir. "A sudoku book to lighten the long hours in the police cells."

And so the hobbits took their gifts, with fear and trepidation in their hearts but no lack of courage, and set forth upon their quest.

Gove: our return to Victorian school values 'a more than adequate preparation for the workhouse'

History class

As the coalition government steps up plans to force benefits claimants to work, making people do jobs for free that might have taken them off the dole queue if they were paid positions, the government is countering criticisms that their plans are 'inhumane' with their new education policy, which they say will make working for free 'more bearable'.

While some have said that the goverment's plans amount to forced labour, sometimes known as slavery, the government has robustly refuted those criticisms. "There is a difference between slavery and the workhouse," explains Michael Gove, Education Secretary. "The Victorians were very much against slavery you know. We value their values, and that is why we are bringing back both free labour and Victorian educational values, which were always a more than adequate preparation for the workhouse. There are, in fact, many similarities between a correctly disciplined school environment and a workhouse. Those Victorians knew what they were about."

The recent coalition White Paper on education outlines a reversion back to tougher exams, tougher discipline and traditional subjects. But Michael Gove has some reassuring words for those who see this as a step backwards. "This is a very modern proposal," he said. "We're a modern Conservative party doing modern things. That's why we have to modernise education as well as modernising benefits. We are modernising everything in fact, and to those cynics who suggest that when I say 'modernising' I mean 'taking away', well I think you should think about your position obstructing progress towards a modern Britain."

Whatever the critics say, the modernisation programme is moving forward and it seems will continue to do so until there is nothing left to modernise.

Scientists: Cameron's use of the words 'fair', 'fairer' or 'fairness' causing rupture in English language that 'may plunge us all into black hole'

More soon from the Large Hadron Collider Linguistics Team, dedicated to firing words into each other at high speed in the hope of finding one that politicians can't break

What to think about...outsourcing public services

MRSA: join the dots

For the grim start of winter a grim (and not very funny) topic in my educational series of posts "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I have to agree because I've had a few drinks and I want to have sex with them all.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT OUTSOURCING

• The public sector is inefficient
• The private sector is efficient
• The private sector can thus do everything better and cheaper than the public sector
• Except running railways, it turned out, after people died, but the general thrust of the argument is true
• We just have to make sure that the companies maintain standards, since there isn't any competition except every 10 or 15 years when the contract goes out to tender, but generally companies are nice and lovely so this is easy
•  The profit motive is thus good, not bad, and has a magical effect on service provision, such as might be conjured by a good-hearted boy wizard with a scar on his forehead, though it's funny when you think about it how few heart-warming childrens tales of government outsourcing there are in the bookshops

And what not to think (I apologise for the number of bullet points here but this area is full of potentially treacherous traps for the undisciplined thinker, causing many foolish people to think that outsourcing is little more than officially organised corruption): 

• Private companies are often very inefficient too and actually make profits because of monopoly positions, or taking advantage of people who don't know enough or, or lying, or frankly, stealing stuff
• The one thing that sometimes increases efficiency among lumbering private companies is genuine competition, coincidentally the one thing it is usually impossible to have in public service provision
•  As a point of fact (so pesky avoiding these when seeking to think correctly - quash without ruth) companies habitually bid cheap to get a contract then work in lots of pricey extras or hold the government to ransom for extra money mid-term on the grounds of unforseeable expenses
• 'Efficiency savings' often come from squeezing workers till they bleed, thus undermining the quality of life not just of the workers but of the entire country since everyone suffers from the increased wealth gap
• It turns out that when you give companies a regular public subsidy they behave as complacently as the worst public sector bodies, while skimming profit off the top - result! Or rather, 'results', as they say in the management consultancy trade (we give thanks for all your help in outsourcing, ye blessed consultants).
• The cost of monitoring the contractors to stop them efficiently cutting corners is rarely included in the analysis of costs (This also has a factual basis but thankfully is easier to crush because it is boring)
•  The authorities usually go for the companies that put in the cheapest bid, not having heard the adage about peanuts, monkeys and the minimum wage receptionist at a government office who went beserk at the stress of his shift patterns and killed everyone walking through the door with a shotgun. 
• Which hasn't happened yet, but I keep peanuts in my pocket to placate receptionists just in case.
• So it turns out private companies often don't do a better job, and they often don't do it cheaper, and when they do, it turns out to be a bad thing for everyone (Careful now! These incorrect thoughts can accumulate into bitter and counter-productive notions such as this - be alert!)
• Measuring efficiency means measuring the end result, but if how we get there is just as important - if the process needs to be, for example, transparent, consistent, or accountable, or if it can do unmeasurable good along the way because it is embedded in wider society rather than a 'streamlined' company process, then perhaps efficiency isn't the only thing we should be aiming for. This bullet point alone potentially undermines the entire array of correct thinking, rendering the points above superfluous: please take care to dispose of it properly, do not expose to naked flames. 

Mr Plod joins facebook, makes new friends, arrests them

Mr Plod the policeman, who has always spent most of his time with other members of the Plod clan, this week joined facebook in an attempt to modernise himself. "It's expanding my horizons," explained Mr Plod. "For example, I never used to see liberals as humans, but now I see their actual faces and it challenges my preconceptions." Mr Plod has also been joining groups by the hundred, and has 'liked' literally thousands of pages, including the fan page of Boris Johnson, for whom he has always had a slightly guilty admiration, knowing him to have committed criminal indiscretions in his youth but beguiled by his jocular approach to politics.

But colleagues have been complaining that Mr Plod has been spending too much time on facebook and not enough time on the beat. "He spent the entirety of yesterday morning on there," said one colleague. "Apparently he was going round the profiles of 'known protesters' and simply posting the words 'Political extremist' on their profile. It seemed to give him a lot of pleasure but it's not what he's meant to be doing."

When challenged on the amount of time he spends on facebook however Mr Plod explained that he was involved in 'important intelligence gathering' and had set up a number of fake pages in order to attract extremists and other violent characters. "I set up one page called 'I want to punch David Cameron in the face' and it has already attracted 3000 fans," he explained. "I've set up another called 'I have feelings of rage towards those in authority' which I think will be very useful. If you think about it we could probably weed out all the bad people in society just with facebook."

Mr Plod went on to say that he was also about to massively boost his arrest count by arresting nearly everyone on facebook, including all of his new friends, for "sending an offensive or indecent message" contrary to the Communications Act of 2003. "I know it's going to end the fun I've been having on facebook," Mr Plod says wistfully, "And I know a lot of people think the Communications Act 2003 is the kind of law a dictatorial junta would pass. But if I am to apply the law universally instead of just selectively against people I don't like - which would be very wrong - then I'm afraid that everyone is guilty."

Mr Plod will begin his campaign of arrests tomorrow. He plans to use the Isle of Wight as a holding cell until more permanent accommodation can be built.

Police appoint new Witchfinder General

Paul Staines, also known as Guido Fawkes, has today been appointed Witchfinder General for the Metropolitan Police. He is the first person to hold the office of Witchfinder General for 350 years. Paul Staines is a 'Libertarian' and in a former life organised raves but his deep and abiding love of windows has turned him into a force for good on the side of The Law. He now plans to dedicate his life to the protection of the established order and the burning of people who break different laws from him or with magical powers.

Government pays unknown amount of money to Guantanamo 'torture victims' for unknown reasons and due to unknowable 'intelligence concerns' in order to speed up enquiry into itself to see if it knows whether it knows what it was doing to have to make unknown payments for unknown reasons to said alleged 'torture victims' and so establish once and for all its known innocence through an enquiry process known for getting the bottom of everything knowable

This post was jointly sponsored by the Sinister Clown Overlord Manifesto for Greater Absurdity in Politics and the Campaign for Longer Headlines.

It's not torture if someone else does if for you anyway

DHL wins contract to transport new graduates to jobs

A graduate-sized box, wrapped as a giant gift to the employer

The government has announced today that DHL has won the lucrative contract to deliver graduates, newly qualified and boxed, to their employers. Insiders say that the German company beat off stiff competition from Fedex, TNT and Parcelforce because at similar prices to the other bidders they also offered to install conveyor belts from the platforms of graduation halls across the country out to temporary loading bays. The new graduates will walk up to the platform to receive their qualification, which in most cases will be a facsimile, and then step straight onto the conveyor belt to be dropped into an appropriately size box, which will have airholes and a small stock of liquids and snacks for the journey.

This process, which DHL describes as 'the most efficient delivery of graduates to jobs anywhere in the world', is part of a wider government plan to allocate graduates to wherever they will be most economically active and offer best value for money. The government says that their reduction in corporation tax over the next few years will also represent an increase in value for money, since employers will get 'well-packaged industry-oriented graduates at a lower cost to themselves.'

However Serco, the company tasked with allocating students to their new roles, has admitted to some difficulties in placing certain students. "Obviously the scientists and lawyers and so on can go straight to their designated roles in industry," explained a spokesman. "Social science students will mostly be placed in HR or marketing roles. The arts students we struggled with for a while but then we discovered this whole sector called 'the creative industries' so we're pretty sure we can offload them."

But it is with philosophy students that Serco has had the most trouble. Eventually they located a small, somewhat barren island off the coast of Scotland in need of labourers to till the rocky, unyielding soil. "It's very isolated there and there's not much to do besides philosophise," explained Serco. "So what with philosophy graduates being otherwise economically inactive we figured it was a good match." One philosophy student, asked to comment on the plan, cryptically referred to it as a 'valid metaphor'.

Meanwhile DHL say that they have been working on streamlining the delivery processes even more since submitting their bid. "We asked some economics students to help us, and it turns out that if you don't put airholes in the boxes, and you don't give the package - sorry, person - any food or drink, you can actually save a lot of money. It does mean that about one in every six hundred dies of asphyxiation, and about one in every two thousand dies of thirst, but even factoring in the revenue losses it still works out cheaper for us."

However in an ironic twist it will only be economics graduates transported in this low-cost manner. "We discovered that it breaches human rights or something," said a DHL spokesman, "But then we looked into it further and realised that human rights don't cover economists. Since the triumph of the Chicago School within the discipline it turns out they aren't human any more - they have all been transmogrified into robotic drones for a fundamentalist ideology. So that will save us some money."

DHL has also won the contract to find new homes for lecturers and professors who are likely to undermine ratings in the new 'Research Excellence Framework'. Again they have had trouble finding somewhere to transport those with an inability to adjust to the new culture of 'excellence' and 'value' within universities. Eventually a home was found for them in Timbuktu, Mali. "We know it sounds like the punchline to a cheap joke," said a spokesman. "But it turns out Timbuktu had this ancient and - dare I say it - old-fashioned university, where knowledge and learning were valued as good things in themselves. We thought they'd feel at home there." The transport of inefficient faculty members will begin sometime in 2011.

The government has said it is pleased that universities are now going to have more contact with such a successful company as DHL, and already many university presidents, provosts, deans and rectors see the company as an example to universities. "We long for the day when we too can be as efficient as DHL," said Sir Keith O'Nions, Rector of Imperial College. "In fact I'm a little jealous of their motto and I've wondered if they'd mind us using it: Excellence. Simply Delivered. So you see we're effectively in the same business. I think this will be a great partnership."

We Are All Windows Now

A diverse and vibrant community worthy of the protection of the state

In the wake of the minor facebook viral success of my National Day of Mourning declared for windows of Millbank Tower (I say minor - this blog is usually just read by my friends so it has boosted traffic way above the norm. Hello to all the lovely people I don't know and please do sign up to the feed or Twitter updates) I am pleased to see that people have begun to recognise the key part that windows play in our political life. Someone has even created a facebook page Become a Window (G'wan, say you 'like' it).

Upon reading this it struck me that we have reached an important moment in the history of British politics: the moment when the British people, tired of being treated as mere statistics and objects by their 'superiors', can finally get their revenge by becoming objects. While on the face of it this plan appears counter-intuitive, even crazy, it is actually the best thing to happen in British politics since Thatcher died (Editor's note: she's not quite dead yet, despite haunting us all - please amend for final post). The beauty of it is that, by becoming windows (or other object of your choice) we will in one fell swoop qualify ourselves for (a) the protection of the courts (b) the protection of the police and (c) the blind affections of journalists.

As windows then we will no longer be abused by the police and their arbitrary powers, we will be able to assert our right to a life of ease and leisure sitting within a supportive frame, and above all our voice will be heard within public political discussion. On these building blocks I am fairly sure we can reconstruct politics in Britain from the ground up. From the mindless oppression of the windows of Millbank Tower then it appears that some good has come, their shattering sacrifice has not been in vain - all that is required is that each of us stand up and say 'I am a window too!'

National Day of Mourning declared for windows of Millbank Tower

An extremist lets everyone down

In the aftermath of the student riots, and as the nation surveys in horror the wreckage of Millbank Tower, Westminster, the Prime Minister today announced that there was to be a National Day of Mourning for the lower windows of Millbank Tower. He spoke in Parliament with quiet dignity and a solemn demeanor to announce the Day of Mourning, saying that "Every shard of glass from those windows cut me to my very soul."

"We are all horrified at the loss of these windows and the vicious, mindless aggression that caused it, and this day will help people going through the different stages of grief," he went on to say. "In particular my heart goes out to the nation's journalists, who seem utterly inconsolable. It touches my heart that those who have been so stoical in the face of the cuts we have made, cuts that will result in mental health problems, family breakups, homelessness, stress, and even death, have yet dug deep within their hearts to express pain, disappointment and grief at the loss of those fine windows, once polished proudly every day by our minimum wage cleaning contractors."

The Prime Minister went on to pay tribute to Aaron Porter, president of the National Union of Students. "The temptation must have been so strong," he said, "To stand behind those he represents and their expression of dissatisfaction and rage. Instead he too felt deep compassion for those simple, innocent panes of glass. There goes a true man, thought I, when I saw him refuse the temptation to say that we deserved it."

At several points during the speech the Prime Minister almost gave way to his emotions, even brushing away a tear at one point as he spoke of the tenacity of journalists who "by their refusal to distinguish between violence against people and violence against property, are making a stand for the rights of windows everywhere."

The Prime Minister went on to thank all those who, while denouncing the violent demonstrators, had never once referred to his own cutbacks as violent, nor his waging of war in Afghanistan, nor his refusal to roll back the anti-terrorist laws that grant the police more power than ever before. "It is these fine distinctions in definition," he said, "And it is in the beautiful poetry of asymmetrical denunciation, that civilisation thrives. Me, I like civilisation. It's worked so well for me. So thank you."

The National Day of Mourning for Millbank's Windows will be this Tuesday, 16th of November. When asked after the speech whether people would get the day off work for the Day of Mourning the Prime Minister's spokesman quickly made it clear that this would not be the case. "We're trying to get people to work more, not less," he said. "Just mourn in your hearts, okay? And get on with your work. It's what the windows would have wanted."

What to think about...The Olympics

Once you've seen it as Lisa giving Bart a blow job you never see anything else 

Behold! Another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer people clear of obvious mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and having seen one recently explain the causes of the Oxfordshire Rising of 1596 I'm inclined to agree.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THE OLYMPICS 

• The Olympics provides entertainment to millions of people, like X-factor
• It creates peace between nations, like the UN, but by fast running and leaping and throwing rather than by talking and wearing blue helmets
• World Peace for £7bn is a right bargain, particularly compared to the UN
• The area it will be in will benefit from investment, even if it is investment in stadiums rather than, say, houses, or schools, or hospitals, and in fact throws people out of their homes for said stadiums
• Children will be inspired to pursue excellence in sport, as they are encouraged to pursue excellence in all things, particularly if they go to academies, and fuck you little Josh if you just aren't excellent at anything

And now, unsporting thoughts such as might be harboured by losers and other inexcellent types:

•  The world is hardly struggling to create light entertainment and it can be done a lot cheaper than by holding the Olympics. If you released an over-excited guinea-pig on the dancefloor during a Strictly Come Dancing episode it would entertain everyone as much as a gold medal in the javelin. Cost of a guinea-pig: £5. Cost of a caffeine pill to feed to the guinea-pig: 20p. Total cost: £5.20.
• If you object to drug-fuelled family entertainment that's the Olympics out the window isn't it? Though of course if no one gets caught we can all pretend it isn't happening.
• As far as I can see the people who really benefit from this huge expenditure of public money are property developers, building contractors, advertisers, providers of outsourced services, management consultants, politicians who get to strut around looking important, and media commentators who have so little to say that they are desperate for a chance to fake excitement about a man running a hundred metres.

Intrepid journalists do battle with facts in national media

The ever-tranquil British populace at play

Observers of the national media have in recent weeks noticed an interesting and heroic trend among journalists and commentators in the press, on television and even on the radio. The heroic efforts have been directed against a remorseless and tireless enemy: historical facts. The battlefield has been the question of whether British people are the sort of people who might take to the streets in violent opposition to abusive or incompetent leaders, and the plucky underdogs in the media seem surprisingly sure of their ground.

"It's very clear that the British aren't like the French," said one commentator indistinguishable from all the others. "We simply have no history of demonstrating like the French do. It's pretty much their first reaction to anything - to go out and protest. While British people just sort of sit at home and moan a bit. That's why the French had a revolution and we didn't."

At present the journalists and commentators appear to be winning the battle, but historical facts, needing neither food nor drink nor cocaine in order to keep going, have a habit of making a comeback when least expected. We await the outcome with baited breath

In the meantime, since triflingoffence aims to entertain as well as inform, we have, in a burst of altruism, devised a quiz for journalists who have repeated themselves so often they must be on the verge of killing themselves to end the boredom. The fun-filled task is to trace the source and historical context of the following quotes from history. The only tool necessary is Google which, judging from the quality of their output, most journalists are more than familiar with.

We see that things have now come to extremities, and we will prove the extremity. We will rend down the hedges, fill up ditches, and make a way for every man into the common pasture. Finally, we will lay all even with the ground, which they, no less wickedly than cruelly and covetously, have enclosed.

Still, enclosure is the kind of thing that people forget in a hurry, like Big Brother contestants.

One thing I must tell you more..... 

Break in pieces quickly the Band of particular Property, disown this oppressing Murder, Opression and Thievery of Buying and Selling of Land, owning of landlords and paying of Rents and give thy Free Consent to make the Earth a Common Treasury without grumbling.....that all may enjoy the benefit of their Creation.

The language of the two above gives away their age, but some of the themes tend to crop up repeatedly.

We are bowed down under a load of taxes; which, notwithstanding, fall greatly short of the wants of our rulers; our traders are trembling on the verge of bankruptcy; our workmen are starving; capital brings no profit and labour no remuneration; the home of the artificer is desolate, and the warehouse of the pawnbroker is full; the workhouse is crowded and the manufactory is deserted. We have looked upon every side, we have searched diligently in order to find out the causes of a distress so sore and so long continued. We can discover none, in nature, or in providence. Heaven has dealt graciously by the people; but the foolishness of our rulers has made the goodness of God of none effect.

It seems unfair to rely on such studied rhetorical flourishes, so over to someone who never indulged in such things.

It is a conflict which, if it is fought out to a conclusion can only end in the overthrow of parliamentary government or its decisive victory.

Ho hum. And finally, a first hand report.

Another rush from the crowd, running madly. Somebody grabbed me from behind. I spun around. "It’s alright, it's only me". A friend thank god. Hands held. "Don’t run, that’s what they want". I’m running because I don’t want to get trampled. We get out of the crowd for a breather, talking excitedly, then look down the road to see smoke billowing out, something’s on fire. The news spread quickly down to us, "What's burning?" "South Africa House", "South Africa House has gone up in flames". Sheer ecstasy. The joy on people's faces as this news spread.

Osborne: 'A multi-class society has failed - it's time to try integration'

Solidarity of the declasse

In a landmark speech to parliament yesterday the Chancellor George Osborne announced that he believes that the 'multi-class' experiment has failed. "The middle classes don't talk to the working classes because they're scared of them. The working classes don't talk to the middle classes because they think they've got a broomstick stuck up their arse. I don't know about your criteria for failure, but that meets mine."

The Chancellor's solution is a radical one: he is to abolish the middle classes and integrate them into one great 'melting pot' of workers, who will work longer hours, with less job security, for more years, and for less pensions than ever before. "I think worker's solidarity is a lovely thing," said Osborne. "And with the help of my policies there's going to be a whole lot more of it, because no one will be putting on airs and graces when they get their house repossesed."

Osborne also suggesting that the expanded working class be renamed the 'working and not working class', since this will also vastly increase the number of people in what some have dubbed his 'super-class'. "The Tory party is and always has been the party of 'inclusivity'," he explained. "And it seems unfair that a large percentage of the population of the country who could be working would be excluded simply because there isn't any work to be had except for bailiffs and soldiers."

However critics of the new class 'integration' claim that Osborne is being less than honest with his claim that 'we are all in this class together'. "I hate to have to point this out," said one commentator who didn't wish to be named for fear of being thought a raving Commie, "But there's one class still not integrated in this super-class - which I think is a lovely idea by the way - and that's the class beginning with 'U'. If Osborne isn't sure what it is or where to find it, I'll give him directions to the Cabinet meeting room and a mirror to place on the table."

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats responded to criticisms of the 'super-class': "Yes, there has been a lot of naysaying. We may have been naysayers ourself once upon a time. We have the capacity to change, and to say yea as well as nay, sometimes in the same week. There's nothing wrong with that, or with anything, if you ask us at the right time of day. Getting the right time of day is kind of tricky I admit, particularly since I couldn't tell you what right or wrong is any more, or the difference between yes and no, and, wait...what was I talking about? Yes, the elimination of the middle class. Thumbs up from us!"

Journalist 'disappointed' by Cameron's lack of commitment to social justice. Also disappointed by failure of convicted paedophile to provide nurturing, supportive environment for her children

See the national press for details.

What to think about...Fairtrade

Cadburys are lovely

 Welcome to another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." Their purpose is to summarise correct thinking and help steer you clear of mental pitfalls. They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, and if you say something often enough it becomes true.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT FAIRTRADE 

• Fairtrade goods allow us to choose products that ensure the workers get a fairer price, and this is good, obviously - I mean, who could argue with that? A monster maybe.
• People want to be good - they just need to be given a chance to consume in the right way
• It's not charity, and it's not a cut-throat market attitude. It's a third way, and as reasonable people we all know that Third Ways are the answer
• Even if we don't know a lot about the condition of the labourers we never meet, or the conditions of the immigrant labourers in the Tesco warehouse that weren't included on the label, at least Fairtrade is doing something.  
• A smiling face of a coffee picker on the side of your packet of coffee makes you feel slightly less complicit in the general reliance of your civilisation on poor labourers. They are smiling because you bought their coffee, and this makes you happy

And what not to think (unfortunate mental aberrations that may arise) :

• If the goods are not signficantly more expensive than non-Fairtrade goods, the workers can't really be getting that much extra money - £2.25 a day instead of £2 is still dirt poor. And if the goods are significantly more expensive, they become a niche product for well-heeled people, because most people, by both necessity and training, do shop according to price. 
• If ethics can be consumed then it is just another product, in which case I'm gonna get some from my local dealer every day and do it intravenously, cos I love that ethical rush

Noel Edmunds to launch 'Instant Homes' scheme

Mental powers to house?

Noel Edmunds, more usually known for a string of inexplicable television programmes, is to spend the next stage of his career promoting a new way for young people, who will soon all be ineligible for council housing and also priced out of the housing market, to get their own homes.

"I call the new homes 'Instant Homes'," explains the celebrity presenter. "All it requires is will-power and positivity. What you do is, you shut your eyes and IMAGINE the house you want. You imagine just as hard as you can, you really focus on it, and before you know it, you're starting to feel warm and comfortable and you know where your fridge is. You bring your home into reality INSTANTLY with the power of your mind. That's it. Nothing more to it."

Many people have tried to solve the problems for young people caused by the housing bubble, in which property prices are held artificially high by a combination of property speculators, buy-to-let landlords and second homeowners. But never before has the mind of Noel Edmunds been turned on the issue and some see it as cause for renewed hope. The government has cautiously welcomed his intervention in a problem they have been unable to solve themselves. "But we are concerned that a sudden increase in the supply of housing could drive down prices," said a government insider. "Which would be great for young people, obviously, but terrible for people who already have houses. Well, not terrible, just inconvenient. But we don't want it to happen because it's the kind of thing that loses elections."

Edmunds has responded by saying that 'The government's obsession with money money money shows that they have lost sight of what is important in life'. Since returning from the grave Noel Edmunds has proclaimed his adherence to bafflingly implausible self-help philosophies and has promoted them via the medium of television. This time Noel Edmunds is to come directly to the homes of anyone who phones his 'I Want A House To Party In Too' hotline, to explain to them how they can get their own home that very day. The visits will then be filmed and broadcast as a documentary called 'Noel Edmunds saves the World'.

Some have pooh-poohed the whole idea of 'Instant Homes', saying they are unlikely to keep anyone warm for long, and that the government would be better off taking measures such as building more council housing, or taxing well-heeled amateur buy-to-letters out of the market, a move it was unwilling to take while Tony Blair, a well-heeled amateur buy-to-letter, was in power. Noel Edmunds has responded in turn by calling his critics 'Destructive purveyors of negative energy'. He said "While I provide homes for people, INSTANTLY, they just provide naysaying and 'economics'. I'm having none of it, and if you want to be able to have your own home this side of sixty, call my hotline NOW. Don't say nay, say yay!"

Psychiatrists across Britain urge end of denial, acceptance of need for a good length of 2"x4"

Cabinet Ministers discover the others caught syphilis from Rupert Murdoch too

Plenty to go around

After months of everyone in the cabinet hiding their condition from one other, each convinced that they alone were struggling with a shameful secret, there was great relief in cabinet meeting today when it emerged that every one of them caught syphilis after nights of passion with Rupert Murdoch during the election campaign.

According to uncorroborated reports it was Ken Clarke, in a fit of bad temper brought on by an itch in the unmentionables and an adverse reaction to antibiotics, who finally burst out in the middle of a cabinet meeting, "God damn that diseased Aussie!"

One civil servant who witnessed the extraordinary scenes in the cabinet room said, "That was it. Once Ken half admitted to it, Theresa May – who I had noticed had been looking worried all morning – said 'You too?' and that just opened the floodgates. It turned out everyone in the room had it. William Hague started crying when he realised he wasn't the only one. With relief you understand."

Cameron was said to have maintained a 'dignified silence' throughout the confessions, though he was seen surreptitiously making notes when Liam Fox spoke about his success treating symptoms using a medical kit he 'borrowed' from a soldier while visiting Afghanistan.

Syphilis is usually an easily treatable disease but the 'Murdoch strain', as doctors are already calling it, is showing resistance to everything that science has to offer. "It's the body's worst nightmare, and that includes Vince Cable's body," explained the doctor treating Vince Cable, who has allowed his doctor to waive confidentiality on the condition that his name be mentioned every other sentence. "It's horrible. Slowly but surely it takes over everything, even in someone as strong and virile as Vince Cable. In the end there will be nothing left but syphilis."

A spokesman for Rupert Murdoch said, "These baseless accusations are exactly the kind of thing we expect to hear from the bloated, overfunded BBC. Do they really have nothing better to do than investigate the sex lives of British politicians?" When it was pointed out that it was not the BBC making the accusations, and that it was more usually the Murdoch press investigating the sex lives of politicians, the spokesman said he would return with a better defence tomorrow. "Any journalist printing anything in the meantime," he said as he left the room, "Will have the entire armory of the Murdoch empire focused on destroying them. Or a night with Rupert. Whichever works out cheaper for him."

Government prepares windowless soundproofed holding pen for ageing reality tv stars

In search of dignity

Secret government plans to build a vast camera-free soundproofed holding pen by 2030 for today's reality tv stars have today been leaked to the press amidst accusations that the project will 'strip reality tv stars of their dignity'. Proponents of the scheme say that reality tv stars need to be protected from their own 'unnatural urges' to expose themselves to the mockery of the nation.

The holding pen is to be built in the remote Welsh countryside. It will be ringed with barbed wire, windowless, and built of the best soundproofed materials available. A government spokesman responding to criticisms explained that, "The whole idea is in fact to protect their dignity. By 2030 the stars of today will all be losing their looks or will have lost them. Their 'bubbly', 'sparkly' and 'vivacious' personalities will have burned out into a kind of low-level whine of obstreperous bitterness, and we thought the kindest thing we could do for them all would be to shut them away without cameras or access to newspaper columnists, where their increasingly desperate clamouring for attention will harm neither themselves nor others."

Some human rights campaigners have drawn comparisons with ancient practices of leaving the weak in society outside in the cold to die, but the government has provided assurances that the holding pen will be well heated and the 'contestants' well fed. "Of course we can't answer for what they'll do to each other," one civil servant said with a resigned shrug. "The sheer concentration of crass manipulativeness in one place will be so great we'll probably have to create a new word for it. There'll likely be a few murders. But that's their affair. At least no one will be able to see or hear them pawing at each other in a desperate bid to appear in the papers, and no cameras will be on hand to provide any sort of encouragement of drama-queenery. It's the best we can do for them."

Many media commentators have welcomed the move. "We don't mind the stupid people when they're attractive," said one. "But once they're ugly I think it's best to hide them away somewhere. As for the question of dignity, it barely seems relevant. These are reality tv stars we're talking about, not real people."

Several reality tv stars were asked for their opinion on their future home. However, since it quickly became clear that they only answered in what they thought would be the most popular or attention-garnering way, and that none of them could actually comprehend a future without tv cameras, their comments have not been included here as an act of mercy.

Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

Okay, some of you Radio 4 fans aren't going to like me for this, but I had this story on Newsbiscuit yesterday:
Radio 4 dumping toxic smugness into nation’s rivers

In my defence, I wrote the story as someone who listens to Radio 4, but lately due to the unfortunate necessity of car journeys I have been listening to it too much. And in high doses the smugness is fucking unbearable. The story was edited by newsbiscuit but thankfully they kept the last two lines - which is the part of the story I liked the most. I could write an entire essay on those two lines but it wouldn't be as funny so I don't.

Kurd-killing Saddam killed good Kurds, Kurd-killing Turks kill bad Kurds, explains US Army spokesman

Good kurds or bad kurds?

The US has today defended itself against accusations of hypocrisy for passing intelligence information to Turkey in order to help the Turkish army bomb Kurdish villages in Northern Iraq. President Bush had previously cited Saddam Hussein's murdering of Kurds as a prime motivation for invading the country.

A spokesman for the US Military explained the logic. "Saddam was a Kurd-killer, but he was a good Kurd-killer. The good Kurds didn't kill and so killing those Kurds was catastrophic. Turkey kills bad Kurds, and the bad Kurds kill, so Turkey killing Kurds is okay with us. The quality of Kurd-killing changes according to the quality of Kurds. Turkey killing Kurdish killers can't be critiqued."

When pressed on the issue of innocent civilian deaths, the spokesman went on to say, "Collateral Turkish Kurd-killing compromises killing quality but Kurdish killers must be killed by Turkish killers or bad Kurds will kill Turks. Everything clear?"

The spokesman was relieved of duties and taken to a lunatic asylum shortly afterwards

Man gives up fear of terrorism in disgust after failing to be targeted by al-Qaeda

Once again I've got a story on Newsbiscuit. I won the highly coveted (by about twenty people) Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month Award last month. I think I get a mug.
Man gives up fear of terrorism in disgust after failing to be targeted by al-Qaeda

Oxford and Cambridge to reintroduce personal butlers for all students

In anticipation of the lifting of tuition fee limits following a recommendation to the government by Lord Browne, Oxford and Cambridge are already setting in motion plans to provide butlers to all students as standard. Many are welcoming the return to the good old days, though some have asked where sufficient butlers can be found in these diminished post-Jeeves times.

Lord Browne, a recently knighted 'people's peer', was chosen to conduct an independent review in university funding for the government. As former Chief Executive of BP he understands the problems of students from poor families, having sometimes employed them to clean the toilets in BP headquarters.

Disillusioned 'Harry Potter Generation' leaving school without wizarding skills

Life didn't turn out like this and it sucks

As the generation who began reading the Harry Potter books as children approach school leaving age many have begun to feel a deep disillusionment with life. While it is normal for teenagers to feel discontented with what life has to offer, this is a disillusionment that separates them from all generations that have gone before. Whilst in their minds they knew the Harry Potter books were fiction, in their hearts many of the 'Harry Potter Generation' as they are known, believed that they too would one day be wrenched from their normal humdrum lives and flown to a wizarding school on a giant's motorbike.

Lucy Weil of Huddersfield is one such girl. "I've just finished sixth form, and I'm off to University and it's all meant to be exciting and everything, and I'm sure I'll love being away from home for the first time, but the fact is, I never expected to finish school like this. I was pretty sure I would at some point be selected as someone with special powers who would be worthy of a wizarding education. It's pretty disappointing."

Thomas Nunton, an eighteen-year-old from Ashford agrees. "As someone brought up in Ashford you always assume you're destined for something better," he said. "And yeah, I can move to London and become free labour for a record company or something, but it's not wizarding school is it? And it's too late for that now. So, you know, that casts a bit of a shadow over the rest of your life, you know?"

Pyschologists say it is common for children to confuse stories and real life. However the extent to which children secretly believed themselves to be Harry Potter has taken them by surprise. "We think it's a symptom of other things," said Sarah Malling, from the University of London's Psychology Department. "Chiefly that most children find normal education to be unspeakably tedious and - quite rightly - don't think much of their prospects in the current economic climate."

But most teenagers we spoke to disagreed with this hard-headed analysis of Potter Mania. "Bullshit," said Jon Nevis, 17, from Cardiff. "I just wanted to be able to blow the shit out of stuff with a wand by now. And instantaneously transport myself into my girlfriend's bedroom every night. Is that too much to ask of life?"

JK Rowling has responded to stories of the disillusionment of the Harry Potter Generation with a statement saying, "My publishing company will continue producing tangentially related books for those who don't want to let Harry Potter go for as long as it makes me pots of money. The franchise lives on and so can your dreams."

But her most ardent fans, now old enough to vote, may not be satisfied with books any longer and revolution is in the air. They want their wizarding skills and nothing else will do. Some say that disillusioned would-be wizards may even turn against the woman who raised their expectations and so cruelly led them on. "I'm not saying she's Voldemort or anything," says Thomas Nunton. "But I've begun to think she may be a Death Eater and you know what I'd do to Death Eaters." Then he sighed. "Or would do if I could do magic."

What to think about...Ed Miliband

Very closeted indeed

This is my highly educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points, even the ones that are.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT ED MILIBAND

• Ed Miliband is a closet raving leftist who got the support of the unions
• Because he owes his victory to the unions, he must distance himself from the unions so as to show that he owes them nothing
• The best way for him to do this would be to make sure that none of his policies are leftist - this worked well for Gordon Brown when he was briefly suspected of having socialist sympathies 
• Ed Miliband controversially thinks the Iraq War was wrong - even though he never said so while it was going on and has actively opposed all attempts to investigate it properly
• Just because he lives in a £1.6million house he got through some very businesslike financial dealings and is married to a lawyer who works for E.ON, the energy corporation fond of coal, nuclear power and massive lobbying of government, doesn't mean he isn't a raging commie

And what not to think (defiling thoughts that ill-befit your dignity):

• It's pretty interesting to watch the media propaganda machine crank itself up at the mere whiff of leftism in British politics, though presumably part of the reason is that they have to carry on pretending the politicans are different from each other
• The whiff of leftism is pretty much all that's left, and that makes Ed Miliband the final weak fart blowing in your face from a distant socialist past

Government plans to outsource Afghan War falter for lack of 'serious' bidders

Government plans to privatise the War in Afghanistan have got off to an inauspicious start, suffering from a lack of bidders the government regards as 'serious'. Only two bids have so far been submitted, one from the English Defence League, who the government characterised as 'Lacking both the manpower and the strategic planning capability.'

"Sure, we've had interest from some of the big corporations," said a government insider. "Halliburton were sniffing around for a bit, as you'd expect - I think they're drawn to the smell of blood. Serco looked into it too. Do you know what Serco does except sponge off fat government contracts? Me neither."

But the big corporations all withdrew their bids after discovering that the contract would be paid on results and that there was only one measurable output: Victory. "It was the black and white nature of it we couldn't make sense of," said a Halliburton source. "We could have dealt with being paid on a sliding scale according to degrees of victory - so you'd still be paid for a certain value of victory, like in the Iraq War - but in this case the 'output achieved' column just had two options: yes/no. We ran a mile."

The only other bid was from the Basingstoke Women's Institute. "We think they mistook it for knitting contract," said a civil servant. But the head of the Basingstoke WI, run to ground by journalists watering the geraniums in her back garden, said that the bid was not a mistake. "We decided that we couldn't fuck it up any more than the government, so why not? Yes, we swear now as well as strip for calendars - welcome to the 21st Century fuckwads. Now give us the war and we'll sort it out for you."

Governments sources admit that if the Basingstoke WI bid was serious they were likely to get 'preferred bidder' status. "I'd back them against the EDL any day of the week," said one civil servant. "Question is, should we back them against the Taliban? God knows we've tried everything else."

Scouts, Guides, Cubs, Brownies finally rise up to save Empire

One of many scouting rallies taking back the streets from yobs and wastrels

In fulfilment of the hopes and dreams of their founder, Robert Stephenson Smyth Baden-Powell, the Scouts, Guides and their affiliated groups have this week finally risen to the challenges of the era and taken on their rightful roles as saviours of the British Empire.

Baden-Powell's youth paramilitary organisations have until recently been known more for their skills at lighting fires, camping and smoking behind Akela's back than for an aggressive stance towards lesser peoples, but Baden-Powell, whose aim was to train the young to lead the Empire to ever greater heights, would surely be proud of them if he could see them now.

Scouts and Guides entered parliament a few days ago and threw out the 'lily-livered' Tory-Liberal coalition. They have since installed an aristocratic/scouting/military junta led by the Duke of Edinburgh. "I'm thrilled we can finally have a go at those savages," said the Duke as he prepared to lead his youthful new troops in a victory lap of central London. "They've had it coming for a while I can tell you. Better late than never, what?"

A spokesboy for the Scouts confirmed that "The time for political correctness is over. The time to thrash the brown-skinned johnnies until they beg for mercy is here." He then raised the Union Jack, saluted the flag and forced the assembled journalists to pledge allegiance to the Queen. The Queen has expressed 'delight' at the surprise turn of events, and looks forward to taking on the title of 'Empress' more usually associated with her ancestor Victoria. She is also said to be privately convinced that war abroad will do more to benefit the flagging British economy than any number of public sector cutbacks.

The army, all of whose senior commanders have now been replaced by competent Scout Sixers, is already preparing to re-enter many of the African colonies. Plans are also afoot to take back India, the jewel in the imperial crown, but such a labour-intensive undertaking takes preparation, says Girl Guide, Teresa Thompson. "We plan an aggressive recruitment drive, mostly on council estates. We'll whip the hoodies and chavs into shape and make them a prime colonial expeditionary force in no time using Baden-Powell's time-honoured principles as laid out in Scouting For Boys: clean living, knot-tying, tracking wild animals and curtailing your masturbatory activities. Really, he wrote about the evils of masturbation in Scouting For Boys. Little-known fact."

When asked how they intended to deal with the war in Afghanistan a spokesman for the new Scouting Junta said, "We'll get the blinking blazes out of there I should say, and pretty damn sharpish. Haven't you lot read any colonial history? If not, we'll be introducing a new 'History of the Empire' badge next week. It will be compulsory - this is an Empire, not a democracy. Now, when did you last polish your shoes, and where the hell is your woggle?"

Tony Blair now receiving letters from women who usually make advances to violent prisoners

Another story of mine on Newsbiscuit:



Tony Blair now receiving letters from women who usually make advances to violent prisoners


I'd like to make it clear that I get a pleasure from laying into Tony Blair that I don't get from anything else. He took an entire nation for a ride for ten years, during which he laid waste to another nation, and lied about everything that matters, and tooks us further down the path of Thatcherism than Thatcher did, and now he runs around the world making money off the back of it. He is scum. I could never tire of kicking him in the balls.

What to think about...bankers

The beautiful product of beautiful minds

This is another in my educational series of posts called "What to think about..." They are presented in a bullet-pointed style, because management consultants tell us that no subject in the world is too complex to summarise in bullet points and I take all my advice from glorified accountants.

WHAT TO THINK ABOUT BANKERS

• Bankers are the cutting edge of a financial system based on risk and monopoly that has made certain people in the world very wealthy (check your bank account now to see if you are one of these people)
• They brought the world to the brink of economic collapse in a climate of deregulation, partly because they were skimming so much off the top for themselves that they just couldn't bring themselves to stop
• No one can excuse the risks they took or how much they pay themselves or their disregard for wider society
• Nothing has changed in the way they work or the system they work within, but the government fully intends to do something about it any day now
• Ooh look, a pigeon with a deformed beak!

And what not to think (results of mental programming errors):

• I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
• I must not look at the pigeon with the deformed beak
• Focus! Remember what we were talking about!