Government to outsource care of comatose NHS patients to Wackenhut Corporation

In what has been hailed by consultants as a massive cost-saving measure, the care of comatose NHS patients, including those in a permanent vegetative state, is to be put out to tender to private companies. The government's current preferred bidder is the Wackenhut Corporation, which plans to keep comatose patients in prison cells.

A government spokesman confirmed that keeping patients in prisons would enable the NHS to save millions of pounds. “Our analysts say that what the Wackenhut Corporation does is a perfect fit for comatose patients,” explained a government spokesman. “Like prisoners, comatose patients don't move around much and don't need much space or big windows, and they also need a toilet close by. Wackenhut are offering to care for them at half the price of anyone else, and really, how can the patients possibly notice what kind of surroundings they are in? This will free up thousands of hospital beds and save the NHS money.”

Questions have been raised about the suitability of prison environments for visiting relatives but a spokesman for Wackenhut Corporation, which is changing its name to G4S Secure Solutions in the hope it will sound less violent, explained that the 'issue of ambience for the visitor' had already been addressed. “We've got prisoners making room decorations round the clock,” he explained. “Posters of ponies and rainbows and teddy bear mobiles and so on that we can use to decorate the cells, or 'Micro-Wards' as we are now calling them. These are exactly the kind of synergies we can offer that no one else can.”

The CEO of G4S Secure Solutions, as it will soon be known, gave a triumphant speech at the corporation's AGM a day after hearing that the corporation was the government's preferred bidder. “This is a forward-moving, out-of-the-box-thinking company of the future,” he said. “Who else would have realised that you could look after sick people so cheaply and get paid so much for it? Who else would have understood that a comatose prisoner – sorry, patient – would need no warders, and could be watched by the prison doctors we already employ? Who else would have realised that there was even more money to be made than we make from prisoners?” He later joked, “This is a license to print money, and we're bidding for that too next year.” The joke was greeted with a thunderous round of applause by shareholders.

Relatives of comatose patients expressed concern about the move but none of them could be printed due to the frequency and severity of expletives used. A government spokesman explained that their concerns had already been anticipated and addressed, though he declined to reveal how. Instead he presenting journalists with a graph of the efficiency savings to be made.

The comatose patients themselves were unavailable for comment.

Cameron carries blade, known as 'Slasher' Dave to friends

It has emerged today that David Cameron is know to friends and close colleagues as 'Slasher' Dave. The nickname is said to have been given to him many years ago but has not until now been known to the public. "It's the knife he always carries around," explained one source. "It's about five inches long and thin as a bird's claw. He tends to just whip it out when he's a bit bored and start slashing at stuff. You know, tables, wallpaper, paintings, papers, whatever's around really."

Rumours that 'Slasher' Dave has sometimes turned his blade on people were firmly quashed by friends. "It's harmless fun," said one of them. "Just a habit he picked up at school or something. Sometimes it's a bit inappropriate I suppose. He once started slashing at the flag draped over a soldier's coffin but fortunately it was before the service started and we managed to find a new flag in time." According to another friend Cameron "is a pretty mean knife artist - for reasons best known to himself he's hiding his light under a bushel."

David Cameron has refused to comment on the allegation he wields a knife or that he sits at his desk sharpening it lovingly for half an hour every morning while sipping his first champagne of the day. "This sort of question crosses the privacy boundary," said a Number 10 spokesman. "The contents of Slash... sorry, the Prime Minister's pockets are entirely his own business." When asked whether it was true that the Prime Minister's office curtains have had to be replaced eight times since his arrival the spokesman said, "I'm afraid I can't tell you if that's true. Since we outsourced curtain maintenance that data is not available to us."

Journalists have attempted to speak to office cleaning contractors for Number 10 but no one was willing to talk on the record. "That's more than my job's worth," said one cleaner on condition of anonymity, making a cutting motion across his throat as he spoke. When asked what the gesture meant he declined to explain, but did say that Cameron is sometimes gripped by terrible rages. "He goes into autopilot," he said. "Like some kind of aristocratic robot, and then all he can do is destroy things."

Man develops 'skills-based points system' for entry to his family, pregnant wife's objections overruled

More soon.

My boss is a shit too, say 10 million Brits facing another endless Friday

More or less everyone in the country who has a boss has this morning agreed that their boss is a shit, and that pretty much every boss they have ever had is a shit.

"It's amazing," said Nancy Gingham from Orpington, "Every time I get a new boss he's worse than the last. Just when you think it's not possible, you get one who's even more of an egomaniacal fuckwitted shithead." She added, "If you look at my boss's boss, and the boss above him, and above him, well, my goodness, at that level you're into a realm of shitiness almost transcendent in its purity."

"There doesn't seem to be much you can do about it," said Thomas Jamieson, an ardent individualist from Coventry. "The worst human beings get promoted. They're stupid, they're incompetent, they're unsympathetic, and they're all shits. And you have to do what they say, for eight hours a day. That's the deal."

All ten million people with shit bosses were nonetheless on their way to work this morning.

Nation now confusing Big Brother and Afghan War, say weary pollsters

War in Afghanistan

Big Brother

After 10 years of Big Brother and 9 years of war in Afghanistan, a confused nation has this week attempted to vote the Taliban out of Afghanistan for good. In what was supposed to be a simple opinion poll on the progress or lack of progress in the war against militant groups in Afghanistan, the public is said to have rung up the 'We are winning' phone number in their thousands and screamed down the phone that the Taliban should get the hell out.

"They really seemed to think their opinions would result in an eviction of the Taliban," said one phone operator, interviewed while drinking heavily in a pub after his shift. "The similarities between the war and Big Brother don't seem obvious at first, but after a few pints I realised they both provide vicarious drama to people with no actual involvement in them. And the Afghan War has been going on nearly as long as Big Brother, which itself has been going on for...." The phone operator's eyes glazed over and he picked up his pint to finish it in one gulp.

According to a press release by the polling company, "The war Britain has been fighting for almost a decade is in fact characterised, in terms of British public opinion, by an inability to distinguish it from popular reality shows. Two years ago when we did a poll on who the scariest terrorist in the world was, 20% of people rang in to say that Osama Bin Laden had a sexy voice and to ask when the single was coming out."

Neither the Big Brother production team nor Simon Cowell were available for interview, but Cowell was said to be 'receptive' to the idea of releasing a single by Osama Bin Laden.

Cat in bin causes more outrage than Iraq War

More soon. Or not.

BP to help government cap Channel Tunnel in effort to keep out the bailiffs

The UK government have asked BP to help them cap the Channel Tunnel in order to prevent a flood of bailiffs gathering at Sandgatte from coming through the tunnel to sieze the nation's assets. The country has been declared officially bankrupt after repeated insinuations by the Prime Minister that there is no money to spend on anything ever again.

The government is said to be 'relieved' that one British company at least is able to do something useful. "BP's new-found expertise makes them a world leader in stopping shit coming out of holes," explained a government economist. "No one can say we don't reward innovation - in this case with a £350 million contract."

The effort to cap the tunnel comes as multinational owners of Britain's national debt close in to grab what they can before the whole country sinks into decrepit alcoholism brought on by lack of hope. "We heard the bailiffs are gathering at Sandgatte," said a government spokesman. "We decided we wouldn't just let them walk all over us. What price dignity?"

This is a question also occupying the mind of Denise Wright, a disabled pensioner from Luton who has seen her disability benefits and pension cut within the last few months. "I should bloody well hope they don't let the bailiffs in," she said. "They're not getting my television I can tell you that much. My Mark will be round with his friends any minute now. No cartel of insurance companies and pension funds is going to push me around. Where did all my tax money go anyway? I worked all my life and here I am at seventy-one and all that stands between me and the bailiffs is a thousand tons of concrete - and not high quality concrete either if I know anything about British builders."

The government has stressed that the whole country is in this together. "We will fight them on the beaches if necessary," said David Cameron in the House of Commons. He was later heard to joke, "Yes, particularly if they want to do it on Mykonos. I believe my family has a house there."

Meanwhile the bailiffs are said to be weighing up the value of the scrap metal BP plans to throw into the tunnel. "We're thinking this might work out well for us," said one bailiff who did not wished to be named. "We're worried the country may not have any other assets left to seize anyway. The government's probably saving us a whole lot of trouble by just giving us the metal."

Daily Express envious of France's Roma population, wants mass expulsion policies too

More soon.

Police call in Ghostbusters after fears of poltergeist violence

Puppets for poltergeists?

After a spate of violent attacks on suspects or prisoners while in the vicinity of police officers and police cells, none of which can be attributed to any officer - according to the police involved, and the CPS, and the Association of Chief Police Officers - police forces across the country have begun to suspect poltergeist activity at work.

"In the end it was the only conclusion we could reach," said Superintendent Faithful of the Metropolitan Police. "Suspects sustained strange injuries while in our custody or nearby our officers. Certainly violence was done. In some cases people died. But this violence was not done by us. It's very upsetting when people suggest that. There are never any prosecutions because police officers just don't do that sort of thing, see? But injuries don't come from nowhere, so we think it might be ghosts. Well, we knew who to call to sort that out."

The Ghostbusters will be working for undisclosed sums in police stations and on police patrols up and down the country. "We don't want to reveal too much about our methods," Dr Peter Venkman of the Ghostbusters explained to journalists earlier today. "But after consorting with the spirit of my dead Uncle Mateus, who himself suffered mysterious violence in the vicinity of police officers, we think we've got some leads on this. We think a functioning video camera will be our main tool. The rest of it is all about getting the recording away from the area of poltergeist activity to a place of safety."

As yet no evidence of poltergeist activity has been forthcoming.

Blair's memoirs 'mostly about a repressed Catholic sex life' say early reviews

More soon.

US Military 'Will not withdraw from Afghanistan before climax'

Genesis 38:9 And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
Genesis 38:10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.

Cameron finds horrific picture of Tony Blair in No. 10 attic, calls in artist

Cameron: wants to keep his beguiling looks

The Prime Minister David Cameron has reportedly found a painting in the attic of Number 10 Downing Street that portrays the state of Tony Blair's soul. "Even I was shocked," he confided to a close confidant. "He isn't even a man any more, not in that painting. There's nothing left of him but a bloody demonic maw gaping open to receive money and prizes. I mean, I knew being Prime Minister could leave people looking a bit ropey but this thing is utterly repulsive."

Sources say the horrified Prime Minister barely made it down the steep stairway from the attic before collapsing in his office and making himself a gin and tonic with very little tonic. Ten minutes later he ordered his assistant to contact the artist who painted the picture of Blair to ask the cost of sitting for a portrait himself. "Let's face it," one aide later said, "If you're going to take on an office that will utterly corrupt what wasn't a particularly pretty soul in the first place, it's best not to let people know it's happening to you. I mean, you'd all get the painting too, right?"

'He's physically aroused by public service cutbacks', Samantha Cameron reveals, too late

More soon.

The Subtle Adventures of Dagobert Oliphant, Diplomat and International Statesman

Upon ending a meeting one day in the UN, Oliphant accidentally wandered into a debating chamber as a vote on sanctions against Iran was about to take place. He stood there for a few minutes watching, then turned to a delegate from Paraguay next to him (Now unbeknownst to him, a microphone in front of the delegate was switched on and his words were about to be broadcast around the room, tinny but undeniable) and what he said was:

"Isn't it a little inconsistent that the US would get so concerned about the the 'nuclear threat' from Iran while supporting the nuclear-armed military dictatorship in Pakistan where there are far more genuine extremists who might at some point stage a coup and gain control of the weapons? One would almost think that both sides are simply ramping up the rhetoric to distract from domestic problems and that if they are genuinely prepared for war it is only because their domestic problems are utterly insoluble."

As he said these words and the microphone betrayed them to the room, an icy chill took hold among the gathered diplomats of all nations. Frost developed on Oliphant's beard (for Oliphant has a beard) and small icicles grew from the noses of the delegates. The stones beneath their feet grew colder and colder and finally crumbled to dust, the concrete beneath cracked, and the entire auditorium began to subside gently into the room below. Sparks flew across the room as electrical fittings broke apart and neon tubes exploded. The low rumble of disintegrating building material was almost drowned out by the screams of the delegates as they slid inexorably down into the billowing cloud of dust and chaos.

Oliphant, who was still stood near the door, backed judiciously away from what was now merely a crumbling edge of floor and, with a tactful cough, he left the room.

One in 5 Britons will be ethnic Daily Express readers by 2050

A typical Daily Express reader

In a study that has struck fear into the hearts of thinking people everywhere, scientists at the Royal Society have proved that by 2050 the UK will be awash with floods of ethnic Daily Express readers.

The demographic time bomb in These Green And Pleasant Lands Of Ours (TM Daily Express) has taken analysts by surprise. "We thought education would help," explained Tom Bamber of the Institute for Everything. "We're not sure whether we've been proved wrong or whether this just goes to show that our education system is shite. Either way we're all pretty terrified. It seems we're about to be engulfed by a tidal wave of bigots who just won't stop breeding."

When asked what the government could do about the menace growing within, one scientist suggested that immigration might be the answer. "Since the Daily Express is so habitually offensive towards immigrants we figure that immigrants probably don't buy it very much, in the same way they don't line up to be slapped in the face and called 'boy'. So we're recommending as much immigration as possible."

In an attempt to soothe troubled waters, a government spokesman explained that as well as being a drain on the sanity of the nation, Daily Express readers also contribute to the economy. "We think they may be keeping the garden gnome industry afloat," he explained. "We couldn't do without them. And frankly, who else would have them?"

The Editor of the Daily Express was not available for comment. Fleet Street rumours claimed he was busy rolling around in a big pile of money laughing and shouting, "I can't believe we can get away with calling people 'ethnics'".

'Radical' coalition government shows true colours, raises hammer and sickle over No. 10

More revolutionary news soon.

Foreign medics killed in Afghanistan ' A sacrifice to Huitzilopochtli' claims Cameron

In a surprise move during a press conference about the deaths of the foreign medics in Afghanistan today, David Cameron donned an ancient Aztec mask and, speaking in a husky voice with a strange accent, explained that the deaths of the aid workers were 'a worthy offering to Huitzilopochtli', the Aztec god of the sun and war.

When asked if this meant he had orchestrated their deaths at the hands of the Taliban, he began to speak rapidly in Nahuatl, the language of the Aztecs, before stopping himself, resuming his usual toned-down Eton accent and saying, "No, of course I didn't. I've been far to busy here. But many hands do the work of Huitzilopochtli."

When challenged by one journalist on the appropriateness of adopting Aztec attire at a press conference, Cameron ordered two guards, also in traditional Aztec dress, to have her removed from the room. Her husband has been unable to contact her by phone and her fate is unknown, though the police are investigating bloodstains on the steps of Nelson's Column. The press conference ended with the raising of a flag bearing a radiant sun, and Cameron ordering the assembled journalists to chant 'All hail Huitzilopochtli, bringer of death' until he had left the room.

Pakistan to dub floods an 'Act of terror by Mother Nature' and refer to clouds as 'Nature's sleeper cells' in hopes of more US aid

More soon.

Costing the government money to be made a crime by 2015

As part of his crusade to reduce the burden on the taxpayer and lower the national debt David Cameron has today announced plans to make costing the government money a punishable crime within this parliament. "Just because people pay taxes, they think they can have taxes spent on them," he said. "It's just not on, and there's nothing like a policeman with a baton to make people realise that."

The planned bill will make it a crime to be young, old, sick, unemployed, pregnant or giving up smoking. "The harshest penalties will clearly be reserved for young unemployed mothers who are pregnant again and trying to stop smoking," explained the Prime Minister. "We'll probably maroon them on a small island without gas and air so they can really feel the pain of their mistakes. But really we've got to be harsh on all these people. I mean, Labour wanted to spend money on schools! It was a crazy, irresponsible idea."

When asked whether CEOs in the arms industry will also be criminalised the Prime Minister explained that they did not fall within the remit of the bill. "You've got to understand that there is such a thing as good government spending," he said. "There are all sorts of things we politicians need to spend money on. Like weapons. But spending on people is bad government spending, because they don't deserve it. If they did deserve it, why would they need help?"

The impact of the new law will be far-reaching. It is estimated that an extra 50,000 police officers will be needed nationally to enforce the law. Recruitment among people with thick necks has already begun. An extensive privatised prison-building program is also envisaged to cope with the increased number of criminals. "The building of the prisons alone will create thousands of insecure short-term jobs," explained the Prime Minister. "And the running of the prisons will create tens of thousands of permanent jobs for people with inadequate educations."

A leaked memo from the Treasury estimates that the number of jobs created if the proposal become reality will roughly equal the number of jobs being lost as a result of public sector cutbacks. "We wish the Treasury would stop leaking like a sieve," said a Conservative spokesman. "It's not reassuring in the place where we keep the money. But this just shows we really do understand how to fix Britain's economy without endangering jobs. Very soon we won't need a public sector at all apart from the prison system."

Americans not yet over their anger at mountains

Incapacity benefits to be cut back to a suppurating scarred stump

More soon. Or less.

Sponsored Don't Be A Cunt Week screwed up by Osborne every year, say Chancellor's old schoolmates

More larks and hijinks to follow.

Government sets targets for your further retardation as a human being

In what they describe as 'a natural move forward' from the policies of the previous government and the one before that, the coalition government have for the first time set measurable targets for your further retardation as a meaningful person and rounded human being.

The policy is a continuation of the 'measurable outcomes' tendency within the public sector which aims to ape the private sector in providing goals that can be monitored as a measure of success. The government has ambitious plans to expand the idea to measure your personal level of retardation.

The Prime Minister's spokesman explains: "This announcement is a result of the realisation by the Prime Minister David Cameron that all the other goals and targets set by previous governments, while implying that everyone involved in the public sector was a great sucking void of principles without values or self-motivation, and while successfully becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy in many cases, stripping all idea of public service out of the public sector and infantilising everyone involved in creating what we at Coalition High Command laughingly call 'the public good', that all these previous goals and targets were in fact a very roundabout way of achieving our goal of making everyone as empty and morally retarded as ourselves."

The idea behind the policy is that it is always best to set the most direct target possible in pursuit of a given goal. "We think we've got it right this time," said the Prime Minister's spokesman. "The retardation of your development as a human being will now supersede all other government targets. And we're taking it out into the wider world. This will eventually apply to everyone. Your pub conversations need to be brought into line with this target just as much as your child's education or the work of a nurse or Local Authority administrator."

When pressed on the measurability of the target the spokesman explained that it will be monitored using a 'basket or small bucket of measures', all of which will have a weighted impact on your Personal Vacancy Scale (PVS). "Ideally we want people to, for example, see a complete moral equivalence between an unfair decision by the judges on Britain's Got Talent and the government starting a war in a country that doesn't threaten us in any way." He hastened to point out that this is only an indicator. "The target is, when asked what your target is, you would ideally say it is to fulfil your targets. It is, you might say, a meta-target, the target to end all targets."

In the first year the target will be to move all public sector workers up the Personal Vacancy Scale by four percentage points, with the target doubling in each subsequent year and applying to everyone in the country before the next election. When asked whether the new target might have an effect on staff morale, the spokesman explained that the new target would do away with morale entirely. "Morale is not a measurable outcome," he explained. "Nor is motivation, nor compassion, nor ideals. They simply don't register on your PVS, except possibly as negative marks. Do you see where we're going with this? We really are a radical government and we are fixing this country good and proper, like we promised when we were elected. With this new target you will soon stop asking questions like that as you progress towards being as devoid of ideals and substance as we are."